Are you all ready for another year of thirty-something actors pretending to be hundred-year old high school students? Because the shows is back! And shit’s getting real!
Which means, yes, it’s time for DRUNK VAMPIRE DIARIES LIVE CHAT as we watch the premiere.
ACTUAL CW PROMO IMAGE
(I AGREE WITH ESTHER. OBVIOUSLY)
We’re joined tonight by the lovely Jen, special guest drunk-chatter, Damon-appreciator, and teen vampire show enthusiast extraordinaire:
TENILLYPO: Yoga pants on, drink mixed. Let’s do this thing!
Okay, while we’re on the previouslies, what is everyone drinking? I’ve got a Foghorn.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Sorry, stone cold sober.
JEN: I have red wine. because it’s like blood.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: It is calories! I’d rather have the ice cream.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, so angsty!
TENILLYPO: Damon’s going to be all pissy, isn’t he? He would totally have let Matt die.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Of course! Yes, he would. Oooh! Damon is her sire!
TENILLYPO: Is that… sexy? Or just giving her Daddy issues?
TENILLYPO: I’m going to be so let down if they cop out and don’t make her a vampire…
JEN: OMG just let her be a vampire! I am ready for vampire Elena.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I wish she just fed and jumped into it.
JEN: Besides, then she can can mope between the boys for ALL ETERNITY.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: But that isn’t Elena, I suppose. That is Bella. Blech.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Hey, Damon, I love Matt!
TENILLYPO: Yeah, shut up about cute!Matt, Damon.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Seriously, Stefan? You will regret it? Elena’s humanity is more important than Matt’s life? Elena still exists.
JEN: I am going to spend this entire episode waiting for Elena to chomp someone on the neck.
TENILLYPO: She can start with Jeremy!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This totally isn’t happening. Damn them!
TENILLYPO: Geez, lay the guilt trip on a little more, Jere?
TENILLYPO: Oh, so Tyler WAS in on the deal! Thank god. Now I don’t have to hate Bonnie.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah. Good to know that Klaus is still a prick.
TENILLYPO: Hilarious that Tyler’s actor isn’t even attempting a British accent.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Klaus is going to rape Caroline, I just know it. This is going to be gross.
TENILLYPO: Yup. Oooh, the evil council is cracking down! I forgot about that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, me too.
TENILLYPO: Aw, Matt and Caroline…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I miss them.
TENILLYPO: LIZ! CAROLINE! COMMERCIALS!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Shut up, Stefan.
TENILLYPO: Hah! Bridge humor.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I can’t believe they are all still pretending like being a vampire is so awful.
JEN: Oh snap, Elena is going to need a daylight ring if she becomes a vamp!
TENILLYPO: Well, apparently they’re super easy to make. I don’t know why all vampires don’t have them.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, ridiculously easy to make.
TENILLYPO: Is this a sexy flashback?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This is her remembering her compulsion stuff, I think.
TENILLYPO: It is! HOLY CRAP. You’re right.
JEN: Man tear!
JEN: Oh, yay, Rebekah!
TENILLYPO: I hope she stops pretending to care about high school this year.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, Damon. So hi-larious.
TENILLYPO: Hunters! Crap!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Wait, what? Was that a dagger? Where did it come from?!?
TENILLYPO: Hah! Klaus having to deal with Tyler’s mom…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Heh: “Incessant woman.”
TENILLYPO: Aw, Klaus is going to rescue Caroline! Oh, she’s so happy…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I know. I am uncomfortable with this entire plot.
So Rebekah already knows about Klaus? Uh…okay?
TENILLYPO: I don’t think Rebekah knew until just then…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: She only saw him for a few seconds.
TENILLYPO: But he called her little sister, and she said something about it being impossible.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Jesus Christ, Damon.
TENILLYPO: Damon, don’t get snippy with Liz.
TENILLYPO: Okay, the pastor has a decent plan. This whole vampire extermination thing would sound good to me if I was in this show. And not sleeping with one of them.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Heh. Okay, they really need to fix this vampire thing or turn her. The vampire tripping is jarring.
JEN: Oh man, she should have gone for the pastor guy and taken him out while also becoming a vampire.
TENILLYPO: I do want to know where all these newly bad ass hunters have been this whole series.
JEN: I love that song! But this Caroline/Klaus is creepy.
JEN: Caroline is smart!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Wait, does Klaus think she knows?
TENILLYPO: No he was trying to tell her! Aw, Klaus. Kind of.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Okay, I’m glad that didn’t go too far. It is nice to watch a show that recognizes how gross that would be.
TENILLYPO: Yay for no rape! Okay, he’s kind of getting Klaus’ mannerisms here. But he really could at least *try* the accent.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I find it hilarious that that is what you are getting hooked up on here.
TENILLYPO: Wait, what? Bonnie’s going to “find” Elena in the underworld or whatever?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This makes no sense. And that says a lot for this show.
TENILLYPO: But Elena’s still alive! I mean, she’s conscious! Are they trying to say it’s her soul?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t really understand how that prevents her from having to become a vampire…
TENILLYPO: So, she’s, like, soulless now?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: She said it is on both sides because she is in transition.
TENILLYPO: Their cosmology just got weirder than usual.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: They are just making shit up as they go along.
TENILLYPO: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Where did Bonnie get all this new power? From doing the Klaus spell?
TENILLYPO: What? This isn’t the other side.
JEN: How is Elena supposed to go back with Bonnie? What? I don’t get this!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I DON’T KNOW.
JEN: How come the spirits don’t, like, unleash upon the actual bad guys?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t understand any of this.
TENILLYPO: God, I don’t want Bonnie and Jeremy to get back together
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Bonnie needs someone hot.
TENILLYPO: Damon! Clearly!
TENILLYPO: Maybe when I rewatch this episode, that whole spirits thing will make more sense…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t understand the point of all of this.
TENILLYPO: Seriously! Where has this commando dude been the last year? He must be incompetent not to have noticed all the shenanigans. Oh, good job, Stefan. That really helped.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: What? Why does Klaus want out of his body?
JEN: I hate Klaus so much. What is the point of his existence?
TENILLYPO: To be an asshole?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: To be the villain.
TENILLYPO: Hah. Where the hell is Damon?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: That is a good question. He’s been MIA for a while. Oh, god. blah blah blah. Elena and Stefan love each other. Puke.
TENILLYPO: Shut up, Stefan.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I miss evil!Stefan so, so much.
TENILLYPO: Oh, do not tell me Rebekah’s heart has been touched by all this. Puh-lease.
JEN: She’s a sensitive lady!
TENILLYPO: Hah. So Cute!Matt and Damon are the rescue committee?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Except Damon eats half of his committee?
TENILLYPO: He doesn’t like long meetings! This is ballsy. Couldn’t they just shoot him?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I think killing them with wooden bullets is pretty hard. They have to be a good shot. Isn’t it more painful?
TENILLYPO: But they can knock them out. Aaand… they just did.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This Bonnie stuff is effed.
TENILLYPO: Oh no, Grams! Why are the spirits such assholes? And where is Klaus now?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: All good questions.
JEN: Stefan even sucks at throwing dead people aside.
TENILLYPO: Mmmm… dirty floor blood.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, c’mon show! Dooooo iiiiitttt…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: That counts, right?
TENILLYPO: IT BETTER. Okay, maybe these commando guys are just all incompetent.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: WTF, Damon.
TENILLYPO: Oh, Damon. LEAVE CUTE!MATT ALONE.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: YESSSS. ELENA!
TENILLYPO: Oh, I’m so happy right now. ELENA GETS TO BE A BAD ASS TOO.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ooh, poor baby Matt. I love him.
TENILLYPO: Srsly. Quit whining! She’s not dead!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Shut the fuck up, Stefan.
TENILLYPO: STFU, STEFAN. Hah, jinx.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Like you deserve to be preaching about life.
TENILLYPO: Yeah, Mister “Slaughtered his way across the country.”
TENILLYPO: Awwww, Damon and Elena!
JEN: Eeeeee! I am going to have Tyrannosaurus arms! [Ed. note: the technical term for extreme excitement, causing one’s arms to flail wildly but ineffectually like a stubby lizard.]
JEN: You can’t be mad at a guy for wanting to save your life!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Well. I still don’t like the “I know what’s best for you” plot device. But I can never stay mad at Damon.
TENILLYPO: WHAT. How is Klaus back in his own body? Damn, that was fast.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I forgot about his blood stash.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: God, he is awful.
TENILLYPO: What brought that on? Jeez.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: She was getting rid of the only blood he had left to make stupid hybrids.
TENILLYPO: Yeah, but still.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Apparently that is an unforgivable offense?
TENILLYPO: Seemed extra harsh.
JEN: I want Rebekah and Stefan to get together they can be all emo together. Then Elena and Damon can get reals.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Okay, seriously, I’m still pissed that she forgave Stefan’s behavior from last season so easily.
TENILLYPO: I’ll never forgive him for killing Awesome Andie. NEVER!
JEN: Already with a new daylight ring? That was easy.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yep, they come in cracker jacks boxes there
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: barf, barf, barf. *gagging noises*
TENILLYPO: Um, is the council about to get blown up?
TENILLYPO: Guess so.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I was just thinking about how am I supposed to root against the people trying to live. Sounds a bit like religious zealots? I’m very confused.
TENILLYPO: Me too. But in a good way! Mostly! That spirits crap made no effing sense.
JEN: Agreed. I liked this episode, but it was very much doing its job to set up a season.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah. Although I could do without a lot of the Elena/Stefan schmoopy crap. I had read that they would be back to being a couple for the first part of the season at least. But blech.
JEN: Yeah, they lay it on thick and it is so lacking in chemistry.
TENILLYPO: Well, she “chose” him so I think we’ll have to deal with that. I suspect it will work that Stefan was human Elena’s choice but vamp Elena will find herself making more sense with Damon. Which works for me.