Previously on Vampire Diaries: Everyone on this show waxes poetic about how mysterious and supernatural this show and everyone in it is. Seriously, these are the cheesiest previouslies eva. Oh, and Elena became a vampire, Alaric died for realz (sob!) and we all lost our minds from disbelief.
The show opens on Elena in her bedroom, hearing every effing loud noise everywhere. Stefan explains to her that she had an accident. Damon’s there as well, to quip about her losing her human life to save Matt’s. Shut it, Damon. (This will not be the last time in this recap that I feel the need to defend Matt when Damon opens his mouth.)
They explain that Meredith gave Elena vampire blood — Damon’s blood to be exact. Dun! Apparently Elena hadn’t realized that she had died until that moment. Oops! She’s understandably freaked, while Stefan talks about Bonnie finding a way to keep her from having to turn and Damon rains on Stefan’s hope parade. Remember when Damon was the sweet one and Stefan was the jerkface? Oh, how I miss those days…
Anyway, they have a day to figure something out, so they are going to try. Nooooesss! Just embrace the vampirism already, Elena. I have been waiting for this all effing summer! Of course, Stefan and Damon immediately make it all about them, fighting about how Damon would have handled the situation differently, and what Elena wants and–Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Um, what was I saying?
As I wipe drool off my face (not the good kind!) we go back to Elena who is having a rough go of it. Everything is loud and bright and it seems like a bad acid trip.
Jeremy shows up, saying he wants to help Elena. But then he ends up just guilt tripping the hell out of her about not becoming a vampire. You are not helping, Jeremy!
Klaus (still possessing Tyler) shows up to threaten Bonnie for the millionth time. God, that is getting old. He wants her to put him back in his old body. Bonnie agrees to work on this, but is also trying to figure out a way to help Elena.
At the hospital, Pastor Young shows up and starts taking over in the name of the council. I guess Alaric tattling on them has finally gotten someone in town ready to fight vampires. Where the hell were these people for the last year or so?
Caroline and Matt are hiding out in a room in the hospital. Matt is losing it because he blames himself for Elena’s sorta-death and Caroline is falling apart because she thinks Tyler is for realz dead. Poor woobies!
Pastor Young shows up at Mayor Lockwood’s house and arrests her? Maybe? And then goes to Liz and strips her of her badge. I’m really not sure how they can just do this stuff or where all this muscle has been while Liz was trying to fight random vampire attacks, but okay. Sure. I’ll just go with it.
Liz tries to warn Caroline, but it isn’t in time. One of the many (many!?! where did these dudes come from?) henchmen grabs her and shoots her up with vervain.
Meanwhile, Elena is having sexy vampire cravings. She and Stefan continue to angst about Stefan saving Matt and letting her die.
Oh my god, guys. ELENA IS STILL THERE. IF MATT DIED HE WOULD BE GONE FOR GOOD. ELENA UNDEAD AND MATT ALIVE IS BETTER THAN MATT DEAD AND ELENA ALIVE. BESIDES, BEING A VAMPIRE IS CLEARLY GOING TO BE AWESOME FOR ELENA SO STFU.
Elena continues to experience transition side effects, which include: blurry vision, acid flashbacks. and laughing at her own horrible jokes. Stefan goes on about how devoted he is to her, and I want to barf.
Elena goes to her room and suddenly she is seeing herself with Damon. Ooooh! Compulsion flashbacks! I WAS WAITING FOR THIS. She watches as past!Damon gives past!Elena her necklace and tells her that he loves her. He talks about not deserving her and I want to comfort him. With my lady parts. Then he compels her with one single man tear. Okay, despite that, it was a really moving scene.
We then move onto Rebekah. I guess she’s still around. Damon shows up and it looks like he is going to finally kill her for forcing Elena off the bridge. Instead, someone shoots her and Damon with presumably wooden bullets. Next, more random muscle shows up at Elena’s house and captures her and Stefan. Okay, so all of these buff random dudes are now not only working for the council, but are also organized enough to capture pretty much all the vampires in town at once? Huh?
Tyler’s mom finally reaches Tyler/Klaus. There really isn’t a cute nickname for that combination. He makes a snarky comment that makes me forget for a moment I pretty much despise him. She reveals to him that the council captured Caroline. Kyler (see?) appears disturbed.
Cut to Caroline and Rebekah tied up in the back of a van. Suddenly it flips over. Tyler/Klaus trashes the van, releases Caroline and reveals to Rebekah that he is Klaus by calling her “little sister.”
Liz and Damon brainstorm on a plan to fight the council. They know Caroline escaped, but not how. Then Matt shows up and Damon pounces on him. CUT THE SHIT DAMON. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MATT. Meredith and Liz also try to get him to lay off.
Elena has been taken to the new improved council’s camp where the Pastor goes on about how he liked Elena. It’s clear he doesn’t know she is in transition. He makes it sound like they are using an emergency plan that Elena’s parents helped create. Uh, why didn’t Liz know about this? AND WHERE THE HELL HAS THIS DUDE BEEN IF HE WAS AROUND WHEN ELENA’S PARENTS WERE ALIVE?!? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.
Dude reveals his entire plan to Elena, including letting her know that he knows about the white oak stake and the fact that killing one original vampire kills all of his or her progeny. Elena’s vampire flashes freak her out and she tries to escape. Unfortunately, the sun blinds her and some henchman douche knocks her out.
The woods: Caroline is all over Tyler/Klaus like a wet, horny blanket. Fortunately, it seems like Klaus is trying to tell her that he isn’t Tyler. She figures it out pretty quickly and I am so effing relieved. I was really, really worried about where that could go.
(WARNING: This is where the show gets completely ridiculous. I know, I know. You are saying it is already ridiculous. I mean it. It goes off the rails. You have been warned.)
Bonnie is doing witchcraft while Jeremy paces. It seems like the spirits don’t want to help. So Bonnie proposes that she can go to the other side to get Elena because maybe her soul exists on both sides since she is in transition. Um… senseless says what? Oh, and to get her from the other side Bonnie has to kill herself. Fun!
The council-fighting brain trust remembers that the Pastor has a cattle ranch that is probably where they are keeping the vampires. Nice work, guys! At said ranch, Elena wakes up in the cages next to Stefan and Rebekah.
Bonnie does some creepy chanting and projects herself to the cattle ranch, which I guess is also somehow the other side? WTF is happening here? I don’t think the writers even know. She tries to bring Elena home, but thankfully Gram’s shows up before they have to try to explain how exactly that will happen, since Elena is there BODILY and Bonnie is there psychically. Grams warns Bonnie that she is playing with fire and sends her back to her body.
After Bonnie’s astral projection leaves, Elena tells Stefan she is dying without any blood to complete the transition. So he tries to coax one of the new meat head council members to their stalls. Instead he gets shot. Oops.
Klaus finds Bonnie again so that he can threaten her… again. This time he is threatening to kill Tyler’s body. Fun. I really hope she gets to seriously kick his ass this season.
Stefan is brooding about being shot and Elena is on the verge of death. They have a moment and… blech. Do they have to rub it in our faces that Elena picked Stefan? Guess so. (Have I mentioned that I HATE that they just conveniently forgot about Stefan’s murder spree and him emotionally and physically threatening Elena last season? Oh, I did? Get used to it.)
Matt and Damon show up at the Pastor’s cow ranch and he bites Matt to get their attention. Oh sure, Damon. Pretty convenient that you finally get to take a bite out of Matt. Leave him the eff alone! But the plan kinda works. The Pastor comes out, but he shoots Damon.
Bonnie tries to work her magic to move Klaus back to his body. Gram’s shows up again, saying she warned Bonnie off trying any more big magic for a while and now the spirits are REALLY pissed. The spirits then do… something… to Gram. I don’t really know what since she is already freaking dead. (I also don’t understand the spirits and the other side all too well, clearly.)
Rebekah is inexplicably moved by Stefan and Elena’s schmoopy love, and steers one of the beef cake men into Stefan’s path. He beats his head against the bars and flings him in Elena’s direction. Elena is just barely able to get a lick of blood off the floor to help her complete her transition. Yum!
More of the secret, all male initiative show up to poke at Damon’s “comatose” body, but it seems he was only faking and kicks their asses. Uh, what happened to the Pastor? We don’t have time to wonder because Damon decides that he also needs to kick Matt’s ass some more in the midst of fighting the commando dudes. Really? Really, Damon? Except he doesn’t get the chance because Awesome Elena the Vampire swoops in to save Matty! VAMPIRE ELENA, FTW!
Matt stumbles off and Stefan feeds him his own blood so he’ll heal. Poor baby Matt makes a speech about how it’s his fault that Elena is a vampire. Stefan gives him a speech about how he needs to prove he deserved being saved. SHUT THE HELL UP, STEFAN.
Elena tells Damon that she remembers everything she compelled him to forget. Damon goes on about how he would have saved her even if she told him not to. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t find his “I’d do what I think is best for you no matter what you say” schtick romantic. Thankfully, he admits that it is him being selfish. Yes, yes it is. Despite all of this, I still want vampire Elena to choose Damon. (What? He’s hot. Yes, I AM that shallow.)
Rebekah finds Klaus, who is now back in his body. Okay, so the spell worked? I seriously don’t get this ‘spirits and the other side’ crap. She’s pissed that he saved Caroline over her. He said he wasn’t worried about her because she can’t be killed. Rebekah responds to this by smashing his bags of Elena’s blood. Uh-oh. No more baby hybrids. Klaus does not react well to this. He disowns her as he throws her down to the ground. Harsh.
Elena and Stefan are hanging out on a roof. As you do. They talk about how the council knowing about them will change everything. They may have also talked a bit about their great love, but I blocked that out. He gives her a daylight ring that Bonnie just happened to have time to make the day before. So wait, she made it as soon as Elena died? How freaking easy are these things to make anyway?
Back at the Pastor’s cow camp, he pulls the gas line, gives all his followers palms, and lights them all on fire. I have… no idea what just happened.
Next week: VAMPIRE ELENA!!!