2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.
The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?
General Hospital 2012
CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.
JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?
PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!
MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.
LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me.
ANTHONY: Great news, Venus! We’re finally getting married! At gunpoint! On this yacht where I’m holding you captive!
MAXIE: And I’m helping! Because I’m pretty much the worst.
LUKE: I’m just here to watch. And laugh.
TRACY: You all suck. A lot.
MICHAEL: I need to join the mob in order to prove I’m a real man. Any mob will do! Any at all!
JOHNNY: Yeah, I’m sure you’ve got a lot to offer my organization, considering you’ve got zero experience and the emotional maturity and superior anger management skills of someone raised by Sonny. But I’m gonna have to go with no.
MICHAEL: But I wanna! MICHAEL SMASH!
CARLY: Johnny, I will do anything to keep Michael out of the mob. And by “anything,” I mean “you.”
JOHNNY: On second thought, maybe I could use some persuading…
CARLY: Say, Uncle Luke. I kind of promised I’d prostitute myself to Johnny to keep Michael out of the mob. Think you could dig up some blackmail material to get me out of it?
LUKE: Caroline, I’m always there to help family with money. Unless you’re Tracy.
MICHAEL: ARGH! No one will let me join the mob! No one will let me kill random dudes who might be the stripper beater! Life is so unfair!
SONNY: Men are just pigs, son. That’s why I got out of the stripping business. I didn’t like how it degraded women.
KAREN WEXLER: Don’t mind me. Just turning over in my grave over here.
LUKE: I’ve discovered Johnny’s secret! It’s so secret, even he doesn’t know it! That should make great blackmail material, right?
CARLY: Oh, that old thing? I don’t need it anymore. Turns out Johnny was just letting me think he’d sleep with me under duress because it was funny to watch me squirm. He’s such a gentleman.
LUKE: There must be some way I can profit from this info, even though revealing it now would only be meaningless, malicious cruelty…
SONNY: Someone say my name?
PATRICK: Elizabeth, I keep getting this nagging feeling there’s something going on with Robin. But that’s crazy, right?
ELIZABETH: Oh, for the love of God! You’re just lucky I am way worse at keeping other people’s secrets than my own.
ROBIN: Fine, I’m coming clean!
EVERYONE: EFFING FINALLY!
PATRICK: Awesome. Now, can we deal with this in a mature fashion as a family?
ROBIN: Oh, fine. If we have to.
LULU: Well, it’s noon. Wine time!
MUSIC: *is ominous*
LULU: That’s it. I’m tired of being judged by the soundtrack. Time to get a job.
MATT: My research continues to be mysterious and important.
MAXIE: Can’t talk now, honey. More important things to think about.
MATT: Yeah. I think maybe we should take a break.
MAXIE: This is clearly all Elizabeth’s fault!
JAX: Even though you both barely mourned me when you thought I was dead, I’m going to use this brief visit to give you some valuable advice. Michael: stop being insufferable to everyone, okay?
MICHAEL: Oh, fine. If I have to.
JAX: Kate, Sonny is still a douche. You should respect yourself more. Also, wanna buy a hotel?
CARLY: Wait, what?
KATE: It’s time I confess my terrible secret, Sonny.
SONNY: It’s not another another grown kid I never knew about, is it?
KATE: No, even worse. I’ve been seeing… a psychiatrist.
SONNY: Oh, God, no! Not–wait, that’s it?
TJ: Molly, is it kind of racist to have one of the only African American characters on this show be an illiterate criminal?
MOLLY: Don’t be silly. Also, you should call me Desdemona from now on.
TJ: You’re lucky I’m illiterate and therefore don’t understand that reference.
KELLY: Good news, Sam! Jason’s the father of your baby!
JASON: Even better news, Sam! This means your rape trauma is officially over!
SAM: Oh, obviously.
SONNY: Hey Johnny, you know how I basically bought Claudia from your dad as part of a business deal and then treated her like crap until she snapped and had to be put down like a dog? Well, it turns out she was also pimped out as a child bride to a different mobster, and you’re really her son! I think that’s just hilarious.
JOHNNY: First of all, that makes zero sense, given our respective ages. Second, what part of that story do you think makes you look good?
SONNY: That’s not what your dead mom said. When I was banging her.
JOHNNY: Hate. You. So. Much.
TJ: So, Molly–I mean Desdemona–I’m throwing you a surprise kegger at your mom’s house. Awesome, right?
MICHAEL: How about… no.
MOLLY: Michael, is that you? You seem so… not insufferable.
MICHAEL: Yeah, it’s this whole new thing I’m trying.
RON CARLIVATI: You’re welcome.
ANNA: I’m back! And I’m not a joke or a groupie or obsessed with my age!
RON CARLIVATI: You’re welcome.
PATRICK: Well, we finally worked through our troubles, found a protocol that works, and you’re no longer dying or lying to your family. Are you ready for happiness forever?
ROBIN: Sure thing! Just let me run back into this exploding lab to get the cure for Jason’s exploding brain, which, as the only competent researcher at this hospital, only I can fix. And then happiness forever!
PATRICK: Something is wrong! Robin, get out of there!
ROBIN: Sorry, I know that Jason has killed, like, a trillion people and I’m basically a saint, but still, I’m going to go back into the lab to get that damned cure!
AUDIENCE: NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!
PATRICK: ROBIN IS DEAD!
SAM: Oh my god, we can’t tell Jason because stress will kill him!
PATRICK: Way to keep things in perspective.
SAM: Patrick is literally the only doctor who can save Jason! I don’t know why they even bother hiring anyone else at this hospital, actually.
EVERY OTHER DOCTOR: Actually, we’re all quite competent–
PATRICK: Uh, hello? My effing wife just died here. Like, five minutes ago. Oh, and JASON IS A KILLER WHO DOESN’T DESERVE TO LIVE.
ELIZABETH: Robin would have wanted you to do it.
PATRICK: … *sigh* fine.
DANTE: I really can’t accept your blood money. Because that would be unethical on multiple levels.
SONNY: Then I’m donating to it charity it your name. And throwing a party in your honor. All for you, son. ALL FOR YOU.
JOHNNY: And I’m drunkenly crashing that party!
SONNY: This was supposed to be MY night, damnit!
DANTE: I have so many legitimate reasons to despise Sonny, the first of which is that he is a career criminal and I’m a cop sworn to uphold the law.
SONNY: Hey, Dante. Let me step in front of that bullet right there.
DANTE: OMG, you are the best daddy eva!
CARLY: All that talk about making me sleep with you to keep Michael out of the mob really turned me on.
JOHNNY: I know I had a thing with your much younger cousin when I first came to town and was completely in love with another woman a few months ago. But I have become just horrible enough of a person now to be totally into you.
AUDIENCE: Quick! We need a fork to poke out our eyes!
STARR: Well, Cole, we’ve finally worked through all our troubles, reunited our family, and now everything can be happy forever!
COLE: Absolutely! Let’s just get past this incredibly dangerous cliff road. And then happiness forever!
ANTHONY: Yeah, about that…
MICHAEL: Don’t worry, attractive stranger in my age bracket, I’ll save your family! Or… not.
RON CARLIVATI: You know what this show could use? Some more toddler death.
TODD & BLAIR: We’re here! And we’re instantly depressed!
EVERYONE: Welcome to Port Charles.
RON CARLIVATI: Now with more toddler death!
CASSANDRA: I lied! My real name is Irina Cassadine!
HELENA: Yes, it’s true. This is my daughter, who I’ve raised to be a secret assassin for the single purpose of seducing you to take revenge against Luke.
ETHAN: But… you’re, like, 800 years old. And she’s 25.
HELENA: Oh, fine. She’s really some nobody I kidnapped and brainwashed into thinking she’s my daughter.
WRITERS: No. But it would have made more sense than this.
KATE: It’s lucky I happened to keep this blood soaked wedding dress around for an occasion just such as this.
EWEN: Yep, this is absolutely normal behavior. No need to raise any alarms here. Are you free for therapy say, 7 days a week? I have a feeling I’m about to have an opening in my schedule soon anyway.
IRINA: I love you, Ethan!
HELENA: Gross. All right, I’m just gonna nip this in the bud before it gets even more tiresome.
RON CARLIVATI: You’re welcome.
HELENA: And now to kill you too, Ethan, which I could clearly have done at any time all on my own, without this ridiculously complex assassination plot!
HOLLY: But wait, Ethan’s not Luke’s son after all! He’s Robert’s!
WRITERS: No, not really. But that, too, would have been a much better story.
GHOST/HALLUCINATION ROBIN: Why didn’t you save me, daddy?
ROBERT: Oh, just eff everything. I can’t even deal with all my feels right now.
LUKE: If only you had something to live for. Like a granddaughter who needs you, or a son-in-law about to spiral into grief and depression, or an ex-wife you still care about who could use your support. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to give you my son instead. Better leave now, before the funeral starts, though.
ETHAN: Wait, what?
ANNA: Wait, what?
ELIZABETH: Well, this whole funeral has been devastating so far. Anna and Mac are just soul-destroying in their grief, and we’ve got pictures of Robin as a child playing in a constant loop. In fact, I don’t think there’s any way to make this any sadder.
PATRICK: I’ve been sitting around our bedroom, hallucinating my dead wife.
EMMA: When is Mommy coming home from heaven?
ELIZABETH: I stand corrected.
MAXIE: I’ve finally realized that I’m basically terrible and always make everything about me. If only there was some way to make up my selfishness to Robin!
SPINELLI: Well, you could be there for Emma, Mac, and Patrick in their time of need–
MAXIE: Nope, I’ve got it. I’ll just confess to a crime I didn’t commit, forcing everyone who loves me to put their own grief on hold to deal with my self-destructive melodrama, and in the process reopening a closed case that I know has the power to ruin my boyfriend’s life.
SPINELLI: Well, as long as you’ve learned your lesson about selfishness.
BLAIR: Blair Cramer Buchanan Manning Manning Holden Manning Manning Manning McBain Clarke here. I’m a fiery blond and reformed bad girl schemer with a heart of gold. I’ve got terrible luck with men who do me wrong, an ex-husband who’s recently came back from the dead, and three kids: one cute, one nice, and one an insufferable brat.
CARLY: Carly Benson Quartermaine Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Jacks. Somehow, I think we’re going to get along just fine.
STARR: I know it was Sonny who really killed my family! That crazed old man who ran me off the road and then refused to help told me so!
TODD: Proof enough for me!
SONNY: You can’t kill me! Don’t you know who I am?
TODD: It’s cute that you think I care.
AUDIENCE: We… love you.
McBAIN: Sonny Corinthos! I despise you with every fiber of my being-
AUDIENCE: Finally, a cop with the right priorities!
McBAIN: –because of your history with my retconned sister and not because you’re a career criminal and I’m a cop sworn to uphold the law!
AUDIENCE: Damn it.
McBAIN: Hello, attractive yet strangely familiar stranger.
SAM: Even though we’ve just met, I feel as if I should spill my entire life story and all my problems to you, due to this mysterious connection we share.
WRITERS: SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?
KONNIE: Listen, I really think we should have sex.
JOHNNY: What? Ew. No!
KONNIE: No, this plan is literally the only way to escape Sonny. He’d never just let me break up with him.
JOHNNY: Or you could just… kill him? Turn state’s evidence? Buy a new identity and leave town?
KONNIE: It’s cute that you think you can apply logic to this plot.
EWEN: Hey, Elizabeth. Remember when that mysterious stranger rescued you from drowning and then left you to freeze to death on the beach? That was me! My bad. I just thought it would be awkward to bring up when I was pretending to not be your doctor at the loony bin in order to creepily build a relationship of false trust with you.
ELIZABETH: That all seems reasonable. Let’s date!
KONNIE: No seriously, let’s have sex.
KONNIE: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE–
KATE: So, I’ve got an alternate personality who wants to ruin the life of the man I love? If only there was some way I could warn him!
EWEN: Well, you could just… tell him exactly what you just said to me?
KATE: It’s cute that you think you can apply logic to this plot.
PATRICK: Well, these are Robin’s ashes. I guess I really have to accept she’s gone.
ROBIN: Psych! I’m not really gone.
RON CARLIVATI: You’re welcome.
SAM: Even though Franco is dead and my baby isn’t his, for some reason, I feel compelled to go digging for more information that can only ruin all my future happiness.
HEATHER: Someone say life ruining? I can help with that. But you have to promise to send this letter for me.
SAM: Sure, sure.
HEATHER: No, really. It seems like nothing, but I will fuck you up forever if you mess this up.
SAM: Fine. Whatever.
HEATHER: No, REALLY. You will not believe the hell I will rain down on your life if you don’t deliver this letter.
SAM: I said I would, okay? Jeez.
HEATHER: Okay, are you ready for this? Effing Franco was a Quartermaine!
SAM: Oh, would you look at the time — gotta run.
HEATHER: A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.
SAM: I can’t tell Jason that effing Franco was his brother until I have good news about the baby.
HOSPITAL: Our bad. Franco’s the real father of your baby.
HEATHER: I warned you!
SAM: Damn it!
McBAIN: Shh… let’s just hug it out.
JASON: Sam keeps sharing all our personal and private business with McBain! Like how my brother raped her and now she’s carrying his child. That’s stuff no one but she and I should know! By the way, it sure is nice to have a friend like you to share these things with, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH: I’m just going to assume the irony of this entire conversation is lost on you, right?
MAGGIE: Hey, Steve, do you remember that time in Memphis when we did that terrible and cryptic thing that we should never talk about again and yet somehow always do?
STEVE: Yes. Yes, I do.
MAGGIE: Okay, cool. Just checking.
JOHNNY: Hey, Steve, remember that terrible and cryptic thing you did in Memphis that you should never talk about again yet constantly do?
STEVE: Yes–wait, is this a trick question?
JOHNNY: Nevermind. I’m blackmailing you so you’ll join in my organ stealing scheme.
OLIVIA: Wait, what? When did you become a completely immoral asshole?
JOHNNY: I know, it’s weird, right? I’m sure I used to be awesome.
MAGGIE: Don’t worry, I would never ever tell anyone about that terrible and cryptic thing Steve did in Memphis that we must never talk about yet always do.
HEATHER: That’s nice, dear. Have some ice tea.
RON CARLIVATI: You’re welcome.
KONNIE: Want to have sex now, Johnny?
KONNIE: Come on!
KONNIE: Pretty please?
JOHNNY: I’m beginning to suspect there might be something wrong with Kate. What to do, what to do… should I give a head’s up to her cousin, a woman I not long ago claimed to love? HAHAHA… just kidding. I haven’t even considered that option.
MIRROR KONNIE: Psst!
KATE: This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening–
KONNIE: But it is! And it’s campy as hell!
MIRROR KATE: Crap!
KONNIE: Step one of my master plan to destroy Sonny: throw him a birthday party! Step two: destroy the cake and disappear.
SONNY: No, not the cake! And it was German Chocolate, too!
KONNIE: Step three… Please, Johnny, please, please–
JOHNNY: Yeah, all right.
KONNIE: Wait, really?
AUDIENCE: Wait, really?
CARLY & SONNY: WAIT, REALLY?
JOHNNY: Unfortunately, yes. I’m the worst.
SAM: Jason, I really think we need to have a serious conversation about the fact that I’m carrying your brother’s rape baby.
JASON: Not until you give me a minute by minute accounting of everything you did and everyone you spoke to today. Priorities, Sam!
FELICIA: I’m back to support my daughter at her murder trial!
MAC: You know how you cheated on me repeatedly and then ran away with another man, leaving me to raise your children for you?
MAC: Well, I’m over it.
AUDIENCE: Eh, we’ll take it.
STARR: Clearly, if you want justice done in this town, you have to do it yourself.
SONNY: Well, that’s certainly true, but for real, I’m actually innocent this time.
MICHAEL: Look, Starr. Taking a life is a terrible burden. Also, if you kill my dad, the chances of us ever boning will be pretty much nil, and there are no other dudes in your age bracket on this show right now.
STARR: Good point.
MICHAEL: Starr waved a gun in my dad’s face and then let him go without hurting him at all. She’s got to go to prison for life!
JOHNNY: Wait, you can have people arrested for that now? Because Sonny has waved a gun in my face at least five times this year alone. And it’s only May.
TÉA: Don’t worry, attempted murder is still not against the law in Port Charles. They just needed an excuse to get me here.
JOHNNY: Carly, you have to let me explain — I didn’t sleep with Kate because I was attracted to her; I slept with a manifestation of her mental illness in order to ruin the father of your children. Doesn’t that make it better?
CARLY: I can’t believe I — of all people — am actually getting to be morally superior about cheating, but you are so gross right now, I can’t even.
KATE: Seriously, you can go fuck yourself, Johnny.
TODD: So, your boyfriend kind of sounds like a massive tool.
CARLY: You have no idea.
TODD: And your life is kind of a mess. But, hey! Literally everybody I know hates my guts. Want to be BFFs? That is, if my recently having gotten away with murder doesn’t bother you.
CARLY: It’s cute you think a little thing like that would ever bother me.
ALEXIS: Sonny, Kate is clearly not herself right now.
SONNY: I don’t believe it! It seems way more likely that she’s just secretly been into Johnny for months now.
EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER MET KATE: You’re an idiot.
LUKE: Good news, Spanky! I’ve suddenly remembered that I actually care about you. So I’m going to help you out with this whole married to a psychopath thing you’ve got going on.
TRACY: Just to be clear, that means we’re going to kill him, right?
JOHNNY: Not if I beat you to it!
MAC: Being police commissioner was fun and all, but it got kind of frustrating never putting a single criminal away other than my daughter. I think I’ll go tend bar instead.
ANNA: Oh, fine. Twist my arm.
PADILLA: Meanwhile, we still haven’t caught the dude beating up all the strippers. This is reaching new levels of incompetence, even for the PCPD.
RONNIE: *whistles nonchalantly*
LULU: Yeah, I can’t escape this feeling that the answer’s been standing right in front of us all this time–
RONNIE: Hey, look over there — is that Padilla’s husband?
LULU: Did you just wink at me?
McBAIN: Ronnie’s the one who’s been beating up strippers! And he’s kidnapped women we both care about — there’s no time to lose!
DANTE: Sure, let me just call the local hit man in for some back up.
DANTE: What? That’s just standard operating procedure at the PCPD.
McBAIN: I can see I’m needed around here.
JASON: I thought I told you to stay away from my wife.
McBAIN: Dude. I was saving her life.
JASON: JASON SMASH!
SAM: Seriously, can someone give me a ride to the hospital?
JASON: I would, but I’ve got to stay here and have a jealous snit for at least another hour.
WEATHER: Time for another life-ruining storm, suckas!
TÉA: I’m having my baby! There is absolutely no way I can get to a hospital in time. Todd, you have to birth my baby right here!
SAM: I’m having my baby! There is absolutely no way I can get to a hospital in time. John, you have to birth my baby right here!
McBAIN: No problem. And I’ll even take you to the hospital afterward, just let me go get my ass kicked first.
HEATHER: Don’t mind me. I’m just having my own Weekend at Bernie’s style hijinx over here. Right, Anthony?
COP: Sure, this looks normal to me.
TODD: Uh, what are you doing with a guy in a wheelbarrow?
HEATHER: We’re just out for a nice, moonlit stroll.
TODD: Sure, that sounds reasonable. Do you happen to know infant CPR?
HEATHER: Of course! All you need to do is take a dead baby, switch it with a live one, and viola! Healthy baby!
SAM: Let’s see. Wait at the warm hotel? Knock on doors to see if someone else can give me a lift? Or… wander out into the woods to see if John is at this abandoned cabin? No brainer! Okay, baby, let me lay you in this planter while I go check it out.
TÉA: My baby!
HEATHER: And that’s why you should always deliver my mail.
SAM: Where’s my baby?!
AUDIENCE: Another effing dead child?
RON CARLIVATI: GH now holds the record for more dead children in a two year period than any other soap opera! You’re welcome?
AUDIENCE: Just stop. We are begging you.
SAM: Why would John just leave me and the baby in the middle of the storm?
JASON: Yeah, about that…
SAM: You have got to be effing kidding me. I have been tip-toeing around your Franco man pain for months, despite the fact that I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS RAPED and now this? I think we’re done here.
JASON: Yeah, seems about time. Liz? You up to anything?
EWEN: Actually, she’s–
ELIZABETH: Nope! Nothing at all! Completely free!
LIASON & JASAM FANS: Time to cut a bitch! To the streets for a gang fight!
KRISTINA: Hey all, I’m back! And I’m 99% more obnoxious than before! My dad paid someone off to get me into Yale. Did you know that no one in the history of the world has ever used their money or influence to unfairly get someone into an Ivy League school? The kids all laughed at me! No one in the history of the world has suffered more than me!
SAM: No comment.
AUDIENCE: Ugh, Kristina couldn’t be any worse.
KRISTINA: Now I’m going to make a reality show about my mobster daddy and blackmail everyone in my life into being a part of it.
AUDIENCE: We stand corrected.
MAXIE: Ugh. So, it turns out prison is, like, super unpleasant! Who knew? I mean, they give you clown makeovers here. I can’t imagine anything worse.
MICHAEL: No comment.
MATT: Great. So if you’re finally ready to tell the truth about who killed Lisa Niles — which, again, was a completely closed case before you needlessly opened it back up with this bullshit — then we can both get back to our lives.
MAXIE: Um, well, one of us can?
MAXIE: Matt and I just got married, which, according to soap law, means we can magically get away with everything scot-free!
SPINELLI: Frankly, I am SHOCKED and APPALLED that you would ever associate with a murderer, which is a thing I would clearly never do on a daily basis. Maxie, I’d rather see you in prison than married to someone else. Why can’t you see that I have your best interests at heart in a way he never will?
AUDIENCE: You’re lucky Johnny’s still the actual worst right now, because this is a close second.
MATT: All of that is moot, because I’m turning myself in. Sure, the woman I accidentally killed was a complete psychopath and my family needs me now more than ever. But this really seems like the best plan.
AUDIENCE: Wait, what just happened?
KATE: I know this may be hard to accept, but my alternate personality confessed to killing your boyfriend and daughter. Can you ever forgive me?
STARR: Oh, why didn’t you say so? This kind of thing happens all the time in my hometown.
STARR: Bygones! But Sonny, can you ever forgive me for falsely accusing you?
SONNY: You’d think I could, because if I had a dime for every time I’ve falsely accused the wrong person, I’d be twice as rich as I already am for all that other crime I commit. But no, I can’t forgive you. Michael, you stay away from that girl. She’ll clearly be a bad influence.
TODD: Well, at least all that pesky baby swap business is over and done with now for good!
HEATHER: I’ve been considering a new career in journalism and blackmail.
LULU: I’m unfulfilled by my life of filing police reports and occasionally getting kidnapped.
JOHNNY: I’m unfulfilled by my life of crippling guilt and not stealing organs.
SPINELLI: I’m unfulfilled by my life of uselessly pining after and berating Maxie.
LULU: So… nightclub?
SPINELLI: Night–wait, I already have a job.
OLIVIA: If only someone would help me prove my kind of mother-in-law is a psychopath!
SAM: Mr. Manning, I’ve come to ask for a job–wait, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?
TODD: Oh, sorry. I thought you were Carly. It’s kind of this platonic friends thing we do. A job, you say?
SAM: Right, do you have anything entry level that would give me access to all your deepest darkest secrets? It’s only I’ve got so much time on my hands, what with my DEAD BABY and all.
TODD: Double crap.
KATE: Joe Scully Jr. raped me as a teenager and impregnated me with a baby I abandoned in a drawer!
McBAIN: Joe Scully Jr. killed my sister and let me think it was really Sonny all these years!
SONNY: What a strange coincidence that this character who’s never been mentioned before is suddenly relevant to so many plots! Someone should probably go bring him back to town.
JASON: On it.
SAM: Is it our mysterious connection that makes us so hot together, or just the fact that my husband has turned into such an enormous dick?
McBAIN: Don’t know. Don’t care. Let’s just make out. Hotly.
KATE: Johnny, I really appreciate how you tried so hard to not sleep with me without my consent except for that one, itty bitty time.
JOHNNY: Uh, is this a trick to lull me into a false sense of security so you can nail me for not only essentially raping you, but also falsely letting you believe you killed two people?
KATE: I wish.
TREY & STARR: We both need a place to live!
MAXIE: Take my apartment! Really, just take it. You don’t need to sign a lease. Hell, I’m not even going to pack or leave you keys.
STARR: But where will you live?
MAXIE: I sense a flaw in my plan.
PATRICK: I need something to do while I’m dealing with my grief over my dead wife. Drug addiction!
MAXIE: Uh, sure. It’s been at least six whole months since the last time we did an intervention.
LULU: Don’t worry, I’m basically an addiction counselor now with the number of family members I’ve had go to rehab. I can fix this in record time.
MAXIE & LULU: Patrick, don’t do drugs!
PATRICK: I’m cured!
LUKE: Slim, don’t you think it’s time we finally did something about our gross sexual tension?
ANNA: Do we have to? Oh, fine. I guess I need something to do until the real love of my life shows back up…
TRACY: Luke, you lied to and stole from me for years, cheated on me with hookers, divorced me for no reason, and then treated Anthony blackmailing me like a huge joke. But you’ve been pretty nice for the past week or so, and now I want you back.
LUKE: Boy, I sure wish there was some way I could avoid this awkward conversation! Just as an example, I’d rather be kidnapped and locked in a cabin for weeks–
HEATHER: Heather’s here for you, baby.
TODD: I know you killed my granddaughter!
JOHNNY: I know you stole Sam’s baby!
TODD: Crap, crap, crap!
OLIVIA: Heather, like all soap opera characters, I have no poker face or sense of preservation, so I’m just going to tell you all about my plans to have you locked up again while we’re completely alone together.
HEATHER: Thanks, that’s super helpful. And to show my appreciation, here: have some LSD!
DANTE: You okay, mom?
OLIVIA: CAN’T TALK. TRIPPING BALLS.
HEATHER: Well, my work here is done. Or, nearly done — hey, Anna, ready to have your mind blown?
ANNA: Oh my GOD, what is wrong with you?
HEATHER: Who could have predicted all those years of constant lying would come back to haunt me?
OLIVIA: Well, I’m psychic now.
STEVE: In my medical opinion, that’s valid.
LULU: And I’m pregnant! Just like you predicted! Crap!
LULU: False alarm. Double crap!
JOHNNY: Hey, Starr, want to assuage my crippling guilt by singing at my club? That totally makes up for me killing your kid, right?
STARR: Johnny’s so wonderful, and kind, and perfect, and a good friend…
TODD: If only I cared more about justice for my granddaughter’s killer than about saving my own ass! Damn. Who could have predicted swapping those babies would come back to haunt me?
BLAIR: Hi, Todd. I just came by to tell you I’m marrying another man. Because even though I will obviously always love you more than anyone, you make constant terrible life decisions.
TODD: This is clearly all John McBain’s fault.
McBAIN: Natalie put a restraining order on me because she caught me cheating on her. This is clearly all Todd’s fault!
SAM: I’m just going to assume the irony of this entire conversation is lost on you both, right?
SHAWN: So, I’ve had basically nothing to do all year.
ALEXIS: And I haven’t gotten laid in half a decade.
ALEXIS: Yes. Interesting.
SHAWN: You don’t, by any chance, play pool?
EWEN: Yes, it was I who faked Robin’s death! But only because Jerry made me, because I once killed his father after he stole the Dead Man’s Hand from my family!
JERRY: Yes, it was I who made Ewen fake Robin’s death. But only because Duke made me, because I needed the toxin to poison the town so I could get the ransom to pay for the cure to the poison the Balkan gave me!
DUKE: Yes, it was I who made Jerry make Ewen fake Robin’s death. But only because I’m not really Duke! Did I just blow your minds?
JOE JR.: And in an amazing coincidence, it was I who helped with the MetroCourt Heist and also distributed the toxin. Because apparently, there’s literally no one else in the world who can provide quality goons.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that one might be pushing it a bit.
JOE JR.: Hey, Trey. Or should I call you Joseph Scully III?
TREY: Yes, in a turn of events absolutely no one could have seen coming, you are my father, and I have no idea you’re a murdering rapist mobster wannabe.
JOE JR.: And all this Mob Princess business has been part of my master plan to get Sonny’s fortune! Either that, or just an amazingly fortuitous coincidence. It’s never been really clear.
DUKE: I think you mean my master plan.
JERRY: Hey, am I involved in this stage of the master plan at all?
JOE JR.: Again, not clear. But son, the important part is now you need to marry Kristina. For… reasons. That I can’t explain.
AUDIENCE: This is going to be stupid, isn’t it?
JERRY: I’ve poisoned everyone! But Alexis and Josslyn have been saved because they are literally the only people in town I care about. I mean, sure, I don’t care about them enough to save Alexis’ children or Joss’ mother. But it’s the thought that counts, right? And with Jax out of the way, my plan can only succeed!
ELIZABETH: Do you think it’s weird that my boyfriend once left me to die for reasons he still hasn’t clearly explained and then lied about it for months?
JASON: God, you have terrible taste in men. Yes, that is extremely weird. But not as weird as the fact that he’s Australian and claims not to know the Jacks family. All Australians know each other! It’s a very big, small country where everyone knows everyone. Kind of like this town.
JASON: Trust me. He’s evil.
ELIZABETH: We’ve established I have terrible romantic judgment so I’m just going to ignore that warning until he becomes visibly unstable and takes me hostage.
EWEN: Heeeeere’s Ewen!
JASON: Looks like Super Kung Fu Action Jason is riding to the rescue one last time!
EWEN: Patrick… must… tell you… this important… thing–
AUDIENCE: Yes, yes–
EWEN: It’s… about Robin… who… as you know… was your late wife–
EWEN: The… important thing… I have… to tell you… about… Robin… is–
AUDIENCE: SPIT IT OUT, MAN!
TODD & THE ONE PERCENTERS: We’re saving the town with our money!
McBAIN, SHAWN & DANTE: We’re saving the town with our awesome ninja kicks!
JASON: I’m sitting around this hospital room, contemplating 8th grade blood type genetics.
AUDIENCE: THIS. IS. AWESOME.
TRACY: Oh, Joseph. I know we just met, but there’s something I find irresistible about your chest hair and gold chains. And maybe the impression that you might have raped a woman once 20 years ago? No scratch that, must be getting you confused with the last man I fell for.
JOE JR.: Awkward. Here, have some of the cure. It will totes make up for every other way in which I am a terrible human being.
PATRICK: In addition to being the only competent surgeon on staff, I am now apparently the only competent research scientist, and I have engineered a single dose of the cure!
TRACY: Which I have stolen for daddy!
EDWARD: Which I have gifted to Emma.
JOHN INGLE: Is frail and dignified.
AUDIENCE: WE ARE CRYING ALL THE TEARS.
JERRY: Alexis, darling, I really think this time you and I can finally make it work. If you’ll just wait for the Stockholm Syndrome to set in…
ALEXIS: Sorry, Jerry, but the actor who plays you is way too popular to actually stick around long enough for that to happen.
JERRY: Ah, well. Guess it’s time for me to “die” again, then. Enjoy that bomb I left you!
SUPER KUNG FU ACTION JASON: A bomb, you say? Maybe I should–
McBAIN: No, it’s cool. I got this.
JASON: Damn it–I mean… yay?
TREY & KRISTINA: And while all that was going on, we’ve been getting married in Vegas, where they apparently don’t have news or the internet!
MICHAEL & STARR: Yup. Sure am glad absolutely nothing interesting happened back home just now!
ANNA & LUKE: And we’ve been getting Anna’s heart broken in Switzerland, where the internet is also nonexistent!
JAX: I have to leave again, because I’m not on this show anymore. But I will be in regular contact with my loved ones, and Joss and I will spend lots of time together off screen.
AUDIENCE: See, was that so hard?
LUCKY: Hey, can I get the non-deadbeat treatment next?
RON CARLIVATI: No, you’re still terrible.
HEATHER: Is it time for sweeps yet? Because I’m really tired of hanging out in this mental institution.
TÉA: And I really need a nanny!
HEATHER: O RLY?
ELLIE: Hi, I’m Ellie, a lab tech with a heart of gold. You can tell I’m smart and nerdy by the way I talk as if I have never interacted with a human being before.
SPINELLI: Marry me.
ELIZABETH: Hey, Jason, remember what a good friend I’ve been through your marital problems, and how you saved me one last time from a deranged kidnapper and we had that nice moment? Well, I’ve decided to go crazy and ruin all that.
JASON: That doesn’t really seem like you.
ELIZABETH: I know, right? But it’s cool, because after 48 hours of insanity, I’ll win the record for fastest soap confession ever and somehow my tears and dead baby angst will make it all surprisingly okay.
JASON, McBAIN & SPINELLI: We’ve figured out Sam’s baby is alive and Heather Webber’s kidnapped him. Clearly, that last person who should be told any of this is Sam.
STEVE: I can’t believe I’m the one who has to be the voice of reason here, but this is stupid. You obviously need to tell Sam.
JASON: Oh, fine. If I have to.
HEATHER: So, it turns out Steven Lars is kind of useless. But it’s cool — I’m just going to raise this new son instead! I’ll call him Steven Lars Two: Electric Boogaloo and we’ll have happiness forever! Just as soon as I finish this relaxing stroll on the dangerous hospital roof!
SAM: My baby!
TÉA: My baby!
TÉA: No, seriously. Give me my baby.
McBAIN: I can’t do that. But I also can’t tell you why. Because apparently, I am an ass. Todd?
TODD: Oh, I’m definitely an ass, too. Anna, you want to do the honors?
ANNA: Don’t look at me, I’m not touching this one with a ten foot pole.
TÉA: SOMEONE HAND ME MY GODDAMN BABY OR HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL.
BRITT: Hi, I’m Britt. I’m beautiful, but clearly nasty and not at all a serious possible love interest for Patrick. Hey, Dr. Drake: we are going on a date so I can take a bite out of that hot ass.
PATRICK: Uh, can I say no?
BRITT: No, bitch.
SABRINA: Hi, I’m Sabrina, a sweetly naive nursing student in dire need of a makeover.
PATRICK: I’m Patrick Drake, a gorgeous grieving widower.
SABRINA: You are hot!
PATRICK: Uh, what?
SABRINA: Um, nothing. I want you to dress up in a tux and role play regency fantasies with me.
PATRICK: Excuse me?
SABRINA: I didn’t say anything. I love you!
AUDIENCE: PLEASE STOP. CAN’T. TAKE. THE. EMBARRASSMENT.
LULU: My babymaker’s broken! And not in a way like Sam’s was that can be magically fixed at a convenient plot time!
DANTE: Okay, no worries. We’ll just adopt.
LULU: Funny story: turns out adoption agencies don’t like it when you lie about every single question they ask. Who could have predicted that would come back to haunt me?
DANTE: Nothing can ruin my preternatural calm. We’ll just use a different agency.
LULU: Nope. Every single agency in the world has now blacklisted us. Every. Single. One.
DANTE: What, seriously? That’s a thing?
DUKE: Hey, Anna. You know how you thought I was dead all these years? Surprise! Not so much.
ANNA: Wait, Duke already came back from the dead once before with a new face. How do I know he wasn’t real and you are?
LUKE: He’s not the real Duke!! Not that I have any proof. I just really don’t want him to be.
DUKE: Um, how about I actually do have the same face? Oh, fine. Well, conveniently, DNA didn’t exist in the 80s, but you could check my easily altered fingerprints on file.
ANNA: It’s you!
DUKE: It’s me! Let’s have sex. Right this second.
LUKE: ANNA MINE! LUKE SMASH!
KATE: Well, it’s been a long road, but I think I’m finally past my whole foray into batshit insanity. That’s a relief!
TREY: Hey, have you seen my family medallion anywhere?
KATE: Heeeeeere’s Konnie!
DUKE: *side eyes* Joe Jr., time to kill Kristina!
AUDIENCE: YES, KILL HER. Ahem, we mean, Duke wouldn’t do that!
TREY: What. The. Fuck.
JOE JR.: Sorry, son. This is the only way. You see, once I kill Kristina, you will inherit all of Sonny’s money!
DUKE: You’re probably thinking that makes no sense, but several months ago, I secretly blackmailed Bernie into transferring all of Sonny’s money into Kristina’s name. Brilliant, no?
AUDIENCE: Okay, but if you could do that, why didn’t you just have Bernie give you the money directly?
DUKE: It’s cute that you think you can apply logic to this story.
KONNIE: I, too, have a complicated and implausible marriage-based scheme afoot! But first: Bachelorette party!
MAGIC MILO: *gyrates*
KONNIE: Excellent. Now, on with the insanity and life-ruining. Sonny! I can’t marry you, because I’m already married to Johnny. And soap law apparently allows a husband to keep his mentally unstable wife out of a mental hospital even if she is clearly an immediate danger to everyone around her. Isn’t that great?
EMMA: I’m calling Mommy in heaven!
PATRICK & SABRINA: Man, you are the cutest girl in the entire world.
ROBIN: Okay, I’m tired of being held against my will. I’m an effing Scorpio! Time to kick ass and phone home.
AUDIENCE: Yes, yes–
EMMA: Hi, Mommy! I miss you! You want to talk to daddy?
PATRICK: Emma, I’m such an awesome, sensitive dad that even while I’m struggling to not drown in my own grief, I am still able to recognize my daughter is also having difficulty dealing with the loss of her mother and am doing my best to help her.
AUDIENCE: We love you, Jason Thompson!! But seriously, take the damn phone, man!
PHONE: *dial tone*
DUKE: Don’t worry, Robin, I’m here to save you!
ROBIN: Duke, you’re alive! Hey, remember that time we made food together when I was six years old?
ROBIN: You aren’t Duke!
DUKE MASK: THAT JUST HAPPENED!
FAISON: Fool, girl! You had to be all smart didn’t you? Now you will never see your family again!
FAISON: You tricked me! You’re in big trouble now, Mister!
REAL DUKE: But at least I’m actually alive!
AUDIENCE: HOLY EFFING HELL.
RON CARLIVATI: You’re welcome.
TREY: Okay, despite the fact that Konnie abandoned me and has treated me like dirt, I’ve decided to do the right thing. Then she can get well and maybe I can get to know my mother! Which would be nice, since my relationship with her is literally the only interesting thing about either of us.
ALEXIS: Your honor, this lady is batshit insane. Exhibit A: Her trashy clothes. Exhibit B: She willingly married Johnny Zacharra, who I think we can all agree is just the worst.
JUDGE: Well, that’s certainly true.
DIANE: Your honor, Konnie is in fact not crazy; she is the real personality and Kate is the alter! Ipso facto, she is actually well and cannot be committed to a mental health facility against her will.
KONNIE: Take that, bitches!
AUDIENCE: But… wouldn’t that also mean she could just be sent to prison for Cole and Hope’s murders instead, since she already admitted her guilt and only escaped charges because of her illness?
KONNIE: It’s cute that you think you can apply logic to this story.
SAM: Well, Jason, we’ve finally worked through all our troubles, reunited our family, and now everything can be happy forever!
JASON: Absolutely! Let me just run down the the super dangerous docks where everything bad always happens and then when I get back? Happiness forever!
SAM: I’ll just keep waiting right here. For as long as it takes.
SAM: AS LONG AS IT TAKES.
YOUNG & THE RESTLESS: Yeah, it’s gonna take a while. He’s ours now!
AUDIENCE: Have fun with that.
MONICA: Well, all my children are dead now. Or are they?
ALAN: And I’m still dead, but I’m back for an episode anyway.
RON CARLIVATI: Yup. You’re welcome.
ALEXIS: Are you okay, honey?
SAM: Why wouldn’t I be okay?
SAM: JASON IS TOTALLY FINE. WHY WOULD YOU THINK HE ISN’T?
ALEXIS: No reason!
McBAIN: Hey, Sam, are you okay?
SAM: SHUT UP YOUR STUPID FACE, YOU’RE NOT MY HUSBAND.
SAM: Okay, okay, just stay cool, McCall. Danny, have I ever told you the story of the dragon and the phoenix?
DANNY: OH, SWEET JESUS. YES. YES, YOU HAVE. Like, a million times. I get it. We all get it!
SAM: Fine, jeez. Overreact much?
AJ: Hi, son! Can I get a hug?
MICHAEL: Um, no? You’re a kidnapper, an attempted murderer, and a drunk. And you let me think I’d watched you be smothered to death for seven years!
AJ: Okay, true. But, on the other hand… your mom’s a lying liar who lies and Sonny’s a child-stealing thug.
MICHAEL: Tell me more!
SONNY: AJ, good to see you behind bars where you belong.
AJ: Are you trying to be ironic right now? I can never tell.
SONNY: Hey, I may be a violent life-long criminal, but at least I’ve never endangered a child.
AJ: Son, Sonny is a bully who uses violence and intimidation to get his way.
MICHAEL: It’s true that that description matches everything I’ve ever seen my father do, but I think I need to see one more example before I believe it.
SONNY: Oh, hey, son. Love to chat, but I’m kind of in the middle of this kidnapping right now…
KONNIE: I need some low grade evil to get the stench of coffee and Sonny feelings off of me. Anyone got a baby with some candy to steal around here?
MOLLY: I’m smart and precocious enough to have written a novel in secret! But stupid enough to not have made any back ups whatsoever!
KONNIE: Tell me more!
RON CARLIVATI: It’s time.
AUDIENCE: Do we have to?
RON CARLIVATI: Sadly, yes.
EDWARD: First we sing, and then we eat.
LILA: Come along, dear.
AUDIENCE: WE HAVE NO MORE TEARS. YOU’VE TAKEN THEM ALL.
DIANE: Nancy Lee Grahn was busy when we filmed this, so now I’m Edward’s attorney.
DIANE: Long story short: everyone got shares — even Skye, who’s not even a blood relative, and Maya, who I’m impressed the writers remembered existed, and AJ, who we all thought was dead! Yup, everyone except for Tracy. Tracy got relish.
AJ: Does this mean we can have some good, old fashioned ELQ shenanigans?
RON CARLIVATI: You bet your sweet Pickle-Lila it does.
MAXIE: I’ve tried everything I can think of to let Spinelli know I inexplicably love him again!
LULU: Have you tried not being married to someone else?
MAXIE: I knew there was something I was forgetting!
MAXIE: My existential crisis is over now, so I’ve decided to take my apartment back. Which I can do, because as you recall, we never even signed a lease.
TREY & STARR: Who could have predicted that would come back to haunt us?
MAXIE: Now I need a new roommate!
ELLIE: I’ll be your roommate!
MAXIE: Anyone else want to do it? Anyone at all? Bueller?
MAXIE: Okay, this time, I really have tried everything I can think of to show Spinelli how I feel.
LULU: Have you tried just telling him?
MAXIE: No, ew.
MAXIE: Oh, fine. If I have to. Spinelli, you’re my Mac!
SPINELLI: So… I’m the guy you cheat on and then abandon to raise your children for you until you come crawling back years later?
MAXIE: Yes, exactly! See, you just get me like no one else.
SPINELLI: Tempting… but no.
DANTE: All these strangers insist on treating the invasive medical procedure and nine months of their lives we’re paying them to give up like it’s a business transaction. Why can’t they just do it out of love for us?
LULU: I know, right? How rude.
MAXIE: I’ll do it out of love for you!
LULU: Anyone else want to do it? Anyone at all? Bueller?
SABRINA: I’m going to revive the Nurses’ Ball!
AUDIENCE: CAN’T TALK. TOO BUSY HAVING A JOYGASM.
LUCY COE: And I’m going to help!
RON CARLIVATI: YOU’RE EFFING WELCOME, BITCHES.
TODD: Hey look, the wedding of my ex-wife and a nobody CIA ex-agent is front page news!
SKYE & CARLY: WHAT.
SABRINA: Dr. Drake can never know that I’m desperately in love with him! That’s why I have to discuss my hopeless crush in public where we both work as often as possible!
PATRICK: What was that now?
SABRINA: Um, I’m in love with Steven Lars?
STEVE: Ew. Even I think you can do better.
LUKE: Well, it’s about time for my vacation–er, I mean, time to find out if this is the real Duke or not! To Turkish prison!
AUDIENCE: It’s about time.
ROBERT: Tag, I’m it! Luke told me the truth about my not-son and now I need to warn you about your not-ex-husband!
ANNA: Wow, you really have some nerve.
ROBERT: What? Just because the last time Luke told me something, it was a pile of lies that resulted in me leaving you to grieve the death of our daughter on your own doesn’t mean I’m not totally justified in believing Luke this time! Besides a psychic/drug addict agrees with us. What else do you need?
ANNA: I can’t hear you! LALALALALALA.
FAKE DUKE: Anna, I love you! I’m your husband! I want to be close to you again!
ANNA: That’s nice, but I’m just not ready.
FAKE DUKE: Anna, don’t you love me? I really want to have sex with you!
ANNA: Uh, laying it on a little thick here aren’t you?
FAKE DUKE: SEX, SEX, SEX!
ANNA: BACK THE EFF OFF!
FAKE DUKE: Can we just go to Switzerland together then?
ANNA: Okay, fine.
MICHAEL: You were right, AJ. I just caught Sonny doing something reprehensible, which for some reason shocked me, even though I’ve obviously met him before.
DIANE: AJ, the only way to keep you out of prison is for you give them an even bigger criminal. For example, someone they’ve been trying to get for years, but who always manages to miraculously escape punishment–
AJ: Ooh, ooh! I’ve got this–
AUDIENCE: Another Sonny trial? Save us, please.
AJ: –I know where Cesar Faison is!
RON CARLIVATI: Do I even need to say it?
AJ: Hey, Sonny, why don’t we bury the hatchet and both be Michael’s father? Oops, I mean, despite the fact that he is now a grown man with a mind of his own, I am totes going to take Michael from you just like you took him from me!
SONNY: HULK SMASH AJ’S HEAD!
MICHAEL: What. The. Fuck.
SONNY: Sorry, son, but he made me do it! You know I have absolutely no control over my emotions and can take no responsibility for my actions.
MICHAEL: Well, that’s certainly true. But I’m not sure that’s an excuse for —
AJ: No, Michael. He’s right. I did goad him into beating me up so you would see.
MICHAEL: I feel so betrayed!
AJ: Except he still beat the crap out of me just for running my mouth… which is pretty sociopathic when you think about it.
MICHAEL: Crap! That’s also true! I’m so confused!
ELIZABETH: Every man I’ve ever had the slightest interest in is either dead or flounced off to Europe to commune with fairies. If only there was someone new in town! Someone who could understand my endless string of terrible life choices!
MONICA: If only my son AJ — who is newly back in town and the closest genetic match possible for the dead love of your life — could find someone who understands his endless string of terrible life choices!
SONNY: Well, being nice to my mentally ill fiance didn’t uncrazy her brain. And neither did kidnapping and menacing her. Guess I’ll just seduce the rape trauma away!
KONNIE: Tell me more!
LUCY: Consider the Nurses’ Ball completely funded–
SABRINA: Yes! Oh, Ms. Coe, you’ve made me the happiest woman alive!
LUCY: –just not by me. Seeing as I’m completely broke at the moment.
FELIX: Seriously? That was just mean.
FAISON: Anna, my sweet! As you can see, Duke and I are two completely different people!
ROBERT: O RLY?
DUKE MASK: I’M MEEEEEEELTING!
ANNA: How is this my life?
AUDIENCE: This is the most amazing thing we’ve ever seen.
ROBIN: You’re in big trouble now, Dr. Olbrecht! My badass father will totally mess you up!
DR. CRAZY: Unless I use the power of craziness to unbelievably overpower him!
ROBERT: Anna… I must… tell you… something… that is… very important–
AUDIENCE: Yes, yes–
ROBERT: It’s… about Robin… who… as you know… was our late daughter–
ROBERT: The… important thing… I have… to tell you… about… Robin… is–
AUDIENCE: SPIT IT OUT, MAN!
ANNA: Did Robert just… die?
WRITERS: You know, it was really unclear.
DR. CRAZY: Faison is in prison, and his scheme has completely fallen apart. And yet, for some reason, I still refuse to let you go, Robin. If only there was someone evil enough to hold you indefinitely for no other reason than meaningless, malicious cruelty…
JERRY: Someone say my name?
JOHNNY: That’s it! I could live with the fact that I betrayed the woman I claimed to love, killed my own grandfather and then framed the father of my business partner — who I also once loved — for the crime, killed a toddler, raped a mentally ill woman and then convinced her to take the rap for that death while preventing her from receiving proper treatment. Not to mention letting Sam think her baby was dead and that whole organ stealing scheme…
KONNIE: Johnny, if we start listing all the ways you are the worst right now, we’ll be here all day. What’s your point?
JOHNNY: The torture of being married to you is unbearable. I think prison would actually be more relaxing.
KONNIE: Well, since you’re the only thing keeping me from being committed, obviously, the only solution now is for me to kill you. That will solve all my problems!
JOHNNY: Wait, what?
AUDIENCE: Wait, wha–oh, fuck it. We don’t really care.
MAXIE: I’m pregnant!
OLIVIA: I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my grandbaby will most likely be some kind of dog/man mutant hybrid that may or may not rise up to enslave the human race.
AUDIENCE: This is still happening? Good grief.
DANTE & LULU: OMG!
MAXIE: No, that can’t be right — I’m allergic to dogs!
MUSIC: *is ominous*
ELLIE: Okay, you all understand that none of this is an actual biological possibility, right?
CARLY: Say, it’s been a while since Téa, Blair, and Skye took off after Alcazar. Wonder whatever happened with that?
WRITERS: Keep wondering!
MICHAEL: Merry Christmas! Have I ever told you about the time I was raped in prison?
STARR: Anyone else just get inexplicably horny?
PATRICK: Hey, Sabrina, are you free on New Year’s Eve–
SABRINA: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Oh, Dr. Drake, you’ve made me the happiest woman alive!
PATRICK: –to babysit for me?
SABRINA: Damn it, I have got to stop falling for that!
TREY: Even though my one and only compelling story has yet to be resolved in the slightest, I am leaving town forever. Kristina, we have less chemistry than a pair of dead fish. Will you do me the honor of coming away with me?
AUDIENCE: No, not Kristina. However will we live without her?
KRISTINA: Hey, now. There’s no need to be sarcastic.
LUCY: Fear not, ducklings. The Nurses’ Ball funding is all set–
SABRINA: Oh no, not this time! I’m getting way better at not jumping to conclusions.
LUCY: –even though I’m still completely broke–
SABRINA: That’s it! Patrick, everything is ruined forever and your wife’s legacy will never be honored! I’m the worst of the worst! Lower than pond scum — lower than Johnny, even!
LUCY: –since I now have leverage on the Quartermaines and can force one of them to pay for everything.
SABRINA: Damn it! I mean: yay!
BRITT: Damn it! I mean–no, I do mean damn it. Because I am terrible.
RON CARLIVATI: Ready for your New Year’s Eve cliffhanger?
AUDIENCE: We can’t believe we’re saying this, but we’d actually be okay with Johnny dying at this point.
JOHNNY: Spoiler: it will probably not be me.
KRISTINA: Or me.
KONNIE: Or me.
TREY: No promises.
So here’s to 2012, the year that GH got back some of the magic that made us fall in love with it so many years ago — let us never speak of 2009, 2010 & 2011 again! And here’s hoping that the best is yet to come in 2013. (No seriously, we do really want it to be good. Honest!)
Happy New Year, everyone!