Okay, guys. I have to be honest here. I’ve been kind of dreading this recap this week. Partly because this past weekend I had a brush with the dreaded sickness that everyone seems to be catching, but mostly because this show doesn’t seem to understand me anymore. It totally keeps doing things that I think are the polar opposite of awesome. I mean, they are trying to give Klaus and Hayley their own show! Let me say that again, Klaus and Hayley. It sounds like a torture device developed explicitly for me.
(And I just found out that they will definitely have Elijah! ELIAAAJJJAH! No, wait. It is a torture device. There was no way in hell I would have subjected myself to this entire thing if they hadn’t brought him on. Nooooes!)
Anway, enough pissing and moaning. Here is this week’s recap (Now with even more pissing and moaning! Heh).
Previously on Vampire Diaries: The most depressing Christmas episode ever. Oh, and everyone on the effing show wants the vampire cure for purely selfish reasons and no one seems to really care if Elena gets her free will back, except for how it relates to themselves and their weak man feelings. Ahem.
We open on a memorial in the high school gym for Tyler’s mom. I would think they could have done this in a nicer venue, but maybe the town couldn’t hold a crowd this big anywhere else. Tyler is clearly broken up and decides to take off. During a moment of silence for Carol, Elena sees Rebekah. She seems to possibly think she is seeing things, but we all know that isn’t the case.
Elena finds April crying by her locker. She talks about her Dad dying and then tells Elena she knows she’s a vampire. Suddenly, Rebekah pops out of nowhere and snaps Elena’s neck. Uh, April, sweetie. I think you might want to take that as a sign that you are in way over your head.
Cut to Caroline calling Stefan to giving him crap about missing the school assembly. Stefan is too busy drinking and feeling sorry for himself, per usual. He boo hoos about Damon and Elena sleeping together. Caroline rightly tells him that Tyler lost his mom so he should get priority. She also reveals that people think she drank too much and drowned in the fountain. Uh, everyone knows about the vampires now, right? People accidentally die all the effing time around here but they all just assume she got drunk and drowned in a little pool of water? God, these people are epic morons.
‘Slow on the uptake’ Stefan asks Caroline if she thinks Klaus killed Carol. (Well, duh! And also, I kind of often forget that Tyler’s mom’s name is Carol and again I’m realizing how weird it is that his girlfriend’s and mom’s names are so similar. Anyhoo…) Caroline implies that she does. C’mon people! I would say 99% of the most horrendous things that happen in this town lately are due to Klaus. How are you even questioning this? Argh.
Anyway, we go to Elena who is waking up from her broken neck to April asking about Elena compelling her. She tries to take April and run, but of course Rebekah is hanging out around the corner. She compels Elena to stay put.
Up at Damon’s Camp for Vampire Hunting Boys, Damon is listening to a moony message from Elena telling him how much she lurves him and… puke. He seems to be eating it up, but I am not. Meanwhile, Jeremy and Matt are sparring and it is hot. Jeremy kicks Matt’s ass. They may be the only people on this show I actually like right now. How is it that I like Jeremy better than most everyone else. JEREMY??? Damon gives Jeremy crap about not improving enough, so Jere challenges him to a fight. And of course, it takes Damon about two seconds to best him. It’s kind of sad, but Matt has a strange looks of satisfaction on his face. Heh.
They are interrupted by the pizza delivery girl showing up. It sounds like she has been delivering to them every day they’ve been there. Sensei Damon cracks the whip and sends them on a run while he finishes listening to Elena’s pleading message and I again resist the urge to vomit.
The Sheriff meets with the new mayor to get him up to speed on the vampire situation. But guess what? The new mayor is actually Bonnie’s Dad! Uh, wha? So he’s been around all along? And I guess her Gram dying wasn’t enough to bring him back to town, but this is? Whatever, show. He reveals he knows all about the town’s supernatural issues and Bonnie’s witchy ways. Okay, seriously? I can’t believe that they want us to buy that he knew all about this stuff and just chose to leave her alone and sell pharmaceuticals. That is beyond ridiculous.
Rebekah calls Stefan to come to Elena’s aid. He heads to the school, trying to get Caroline’s help outsmarting Rebekah, but before he can text Caroline his super awesome plan, Rebekah shows up and says she already found her. Wow, they are plan morons. So Rebekah compels them all to play some truth or dare. (Oh good fucking lord, Rebekah. Enough with high school, already! There are so many better things in life to be preoccupied with! Just sayin’.) They all rehash the cure story in case any of us could have somehow forgot about the mythology they have burned into our brain the last few months.
Although this does remind me, weren’t they just going to go to get Silas and the cure? Why do they need to train Jeremy if Professor Creeps already knows where Silas is? Maybe I did need a refresher, except they didn’t even get to that! No, instead they start talking about Stefan and Elena’s epic break up. Rebekah needles for specifics and I am completely bored by this despite the fact that it is clearly torture for Stefan.
Back at The Hunter Camp for Moody Boys, Damon continues to berate Jeremy for his lack of military skills. The conversation turns to Elena, as it always does, and Damon tries to get info about how she really feels. Klaus shows up because I had started to enjoy this scene a bit too much. He goes on about how Jeremy isn’t killing enough vamps and blah, blah, blah. Klaus needs more hybrids because he killed all of his last ones. Boo frickin’ hoo. Damon pointlessly shoots Klaus for Carol. Uh, thanks? I guess it hurt him a teeny bit? I’m so bitter now that if Jeremy mustered all his strength and drove the white oak stake into Klaus I would probably cheer with glee and not even consider the fact that over half of the characters would die in the process. Did I mention I pretty much hate Klaus?
Back at the Breakfast Club of Boredom, Rebekah continues to rehash the current Stefan/Elena/Damon triangle. She compels Elena to admit that she slept with Damon not because she is sired to him, but because she loves him. I just… no. So her will is sublimated so that she admits that despite the fact that she has no free will, she still somehow chose to sleep with Damon because she loves him? Okay, this show loves the convenience of its own mythology (see: the vampire emotion switch), but them playing around with issues of consent and free will and not understanding the gravity of what they are dealing with is not okay. It is driving me batty. </rant>
Thankfully, they distract me from my blind rage by bring up the fact that they stopped looking for the cure because creepy professor knows where it is. (See? So why are they training Jeremy again? As a back up plan? Because nothing else interesting is happening right now? Your guess is as good as mine.)
Cut to said Creepy Professor listening to Bonnie rant about her father and his sudden interest in her supernatural life. Sing it, Bonnie! She asks for some magic instruction to help distract her from her family angst, but professor dude says she has graduated, and gives her a creepy-ass talisman made of human bone. She seems taken aback by that fact for only a moment until she smiles and goes on her way. Really, Bonnie? As she leaves his office, she passes right by effing Kol in the hall. For some reason it takes her a moment to realize it’s him, and that is just enough time for Kol to kidnap Professor Creeps.
Klaus tries to annoy Damon into getting Jeremy to kill more vampires. Damon insists that Jeremy needs to be stronger so that he doesn’t die when he hunts down his first vampire nest. Klaus has a better idea: turn all the people in the nearest town into vampires and then have Jeremy kill them. Super! Damon also already had that very awesome idea, but decided against it. But not for the reasons you’d think. Not because he has actually grown and become a better person who values human life. Oh, no no no. That is ridiculous! It’s because Elena values human life and he wouldn’t want her to be mad at him. That’s noble, right?!?
Klaus basically chides Damon that he’s gone soft for a lady. Bitches, amirte? But no worries, because he has manned up for Damon and is going to start this Jeremy slaying vampires train. Turns out he already turned the poor little pizza delivery girl and sicced her on Matt and Jeremy.
Speaking of which, she’s at their door claiming she has a flat tire and needs to use their phone. Matt tries to invite her in, but since this isn’t his place, he can’t. Luckily for her, Jeremy shows up and welcomes her inside, which works this time since it’s his family’s cabin. For reals, guys? I love you, but how many times have innocent looking people showed up at your door only to bite your neck? Wouldn’t not inviting people inside and observing how they react to that be, like, the first thing you learn to do in this town???
Back at the school, Rebekah has ordered Tyler to come join the fun. Because, clearly, his day wasn’t bad enough already. Kol hauls in creepy professor dude. Rebekah tries to compel him, but it doesn’t work, so she gives Kol permission to beat it out of him. Then she returns to Elena, Stefan, and Caroline to go on more about the triangle… and I wish I had a fork to stick in my eye. (Or better yet, Rebekah’s!) Caroline also seems to agree with my sentiments. We rehash some more and I just want it to stop.
Tyler finally shows up and Rebekah compels him to turn and all the rest of them to not be able to leave the high school. Because she no longer needs any of them, you see. Dear Rebekah: please remember this the next time you’re whining about why no one likes you. Despite his compulsion, Tyler and the rest of them have an awful long time to debate and discuss the repercussions of this order.
Back at the hunter training cabin, poor little blond vampire attacks Matt. Jeremy stakes her, which — as predicted — grows his tattoo.
Bonnie shows up at the school to look for Professor Creeps, but runs into April instead, who fills her in on all the various ridiculousness going on. So, naturally, Bonnie decides to use the HUMAN BONE pendant to help protect Shane — and then seems super surprised when that spell practically kills April. (How could she have known, guys?) See, the spell connects Shane to April and instead of Shane experiencing any of Kol’s torture, April does. During this, Shane reveals to Kol and Rebekah that he wants to release Silas. Shane tells them that all the group sacrifices he orchestrated were to wake up Silas and that when he does, Silas will bring all the dead back to life. Full proof plan!
Unfortunately, Kol’s not really down with freeing Silas, so he just kills Shane to keep him from doing it. This essentially guts April.
Meanwhile, Tyler is fighting the urge to turn into a werewolf. But it quickly gets the better of him, and he chases after Caroline, Stefan, and Elena, who split up. They try to shut him into the library, but he easily gets through. Stefan and Elena lock some of the fire doors and it still barely holds him. This gives Elena the opportunity to pull out the badass move of ripping a locker door off to barricade the door. If only Elena was allowed to do more of that kind of awesome vampire stuff and less of the, you know, not getting to do anything she actually wants to do.
Anyway, she and Stefan find Bonnie with April laying dying on the ground. Bonnie tells them that she accidentally linked April and Shane and that she didn’t realize because all she felt was more power. You know, from the HUMAN BONE pendant. Oopsie? Stefan feeds April some of his blood to heal her and sends Bonnie to take her out of the school. This gives Elena and Stefan more time to rehash their relationship and Stefan’s man pain over losing Elena. Oh, goodie! (You know, for someone who was full of all those noble promises last season about walking away and letting Elena be happy with Damon is she “chose” him, he is awful whiny and bitter here. SHUP UP, STEFAN. – Tenillypo)
Caroline finds Tyler curled up in a ball in the gym near his mother’s memorial. He sadly weeps about how he couldn’t save her. Oh poor woobie. It isn’t your fault that Klaus is the king of all the douches!
Rebekah tells Elena that she could compel Stefan to forget her. (Oooooh! Please do! Would he be Ripper again??? Please, please, pretty please?) Stefan totally agrees with me and asks Rebekah to do it. But she refuses because she is the killer of all fun. She thinks this is somehow revenge for how he used her. Oh, wah, Rebekah. (Pssst, Stefan! You could still get Klaus to do it. C’mon, you know you want to be entertaining again!)
Bonnie confronts Shane for not telling her the extent of her power. Bonnie calls it black magic, but Shane says it’s not ruled by nature and isn’t good or bad. Uh, sure it isn’t, creepy Shane! He says he won’t let anything bad happen to her. DON’T BELIEVE HIM, BONNIE.
Elena calls Damon again, interrupting him burying the poor pizza girl. Elena says that she realized today that she loves him and that maybe it is the sire bond, but she doesn’t care. Damon tells her that he is going to get the cure for her, and he is going to do things she won’t like, but still she should come to him. The music swells and I think we are supposed to be touched by this? Really? Uh, no. You are weak, Damon!
Chez Salvatore: Stefan meets with Rebekah at his house to ask for a team up to find the cure. Again, the reason is so that he can find out how Elena truly feels about Damon, and not for her own sake or anything. Asshat. So Rebekah shares the info that Shane revealed during his torture fest. And Rebekah isn’t the only one spilling Shane’s secrets. So is April. She tells the Sheriff and the new Mayor that Shane is responsible for her father’s death and the death of the council. Dun!
Meanwhile: Jeremy, Matt, and Damon walk into a bar, except that the punchline is that there are bodies strewn everywhere. Clearly, Klaus has followed through with his initial plan, killed all these people and turned them into vampires. Matt and Jeremy are rightly appalled. Jeremy says that Damon had agreed he would convince Klaus to do this another way. Damon retorts that he thought about it and decided Klaus’ idea was better. Oh, eff you, Damon, you selfish prick. I hope that Jeremy kicks your effing ass. I’m so totally done here, people. So. Done.
There are so many reasons why I am not pleased with this season, but it feels like it all started with the lack of Alaric. This show barely had a moral compass with him and now it seems like it might have completely disappeared when he did. I am so effing tired of all these selfish, annoying people running around doing whatever the hell they want and bitching about how awful their lives are. I think to survive this season I might need to go live in what will forever be my happy place… reruns of season 3.
This week: Jeremy gets to hunt some vamps, so maybe yay?