Previously on Vampire Diaries: Damon was weak. Rebekah was tiresome. Kol was… still not dead, more’s the pity.
We open on Cute!Matt running pell-mell through the woods. A vamp gets him and start chowing down, but Jeremy kills it. Oh, in medias res, I like it.
Flashback to the bar full of baby vampires! Jeremy is unhappy about this pesky mass murder they want him to be a party to. Klaus gets up in his face and Little J calls him a dick and reminds him that hunters cannot be compelled. Wow. He has never been more attractive to me than in this moment.
Unfortunately, Klaus is still better at this that Jeremy is, where this means being a ruthless asshole. So instead of compelling Jeremy, he’s compelling the baby vamps to kill Cute!Matt. Oh, it is on, Klaus. LEAVE MY MATTY ALONE!
Even Damon isn’t cool with this latest superdickery. Well, it’s good to know there’s at least one line he won’t cross– oh, wait, he’s not mad about Matt; he just thinks Jeremy won’t be able to take all the vamps on at once. Sorry, don’t know what I was thinking, expecting the romantic lead of this show to show a second of likability.
Flash forward to the forest! Matt’s bleeding and they need to run — Damon joins them and is dismayed that Jeremy’s planning to run and hide at the cabin instead of fighting it out, but when he points out again that they’re going to kill Matt, Damon gives in, staying behind to casually rip the heart out of the next vamp to show up. Great. So that guy died for absolutely nothing.
Cute!Matt’s almost to the cabin when he’s set upon again. This time, Elena saves him. Yay, Elena! Basically the only thing I’ve enjoyed about this whole vamp Elena plot has been her getting to be a bad ass. They all retreat to the cabin. Damon shows up as the sun rises. When Elena politely wonders WTF he was thinking, he helpfully explains that he was going to do things the slow way, but murdering a bunch of people was just more efficient! (In the show in my head, ghost!Alaric is standing off to the side, just *facepalming* at his idiot boyfriend here.)
Elena is appalled by this for roughly .5 seconds before dropping it completely. Oh, good. And here I was worried that all this casual mass murder might not be given the moral weight it deserves. They “agree” that Damon will take Jeremy back to the bar to kill the baby vamps while Elena escorts Cute!Matt to safety. Or rather, Damon says that’s what they’re doing and Elena complies, because she agrees with everything he says. Gross.
Stefan finds Rebekah reading his diary because for some reason, she just doesn’t completely trust him. Heh. Rebekah helpfully recaps that there are now three separate “teams” in the race for the cure. Team Creeps, aka Bonnie and the Professor, have the advantage of witchy magic. Team Klaus has Jeremy’s hunter map. And Team Rebekah? Well, they’ve got bupkis. But she has a plan to force an alliance with Team Creeps by stealing Silas’ headstone, which is needed to wake him up.
Hey, speaking of Team Creeps, they’re in the middle of another totally harmless meditation/brainwashing session when Sheriff Liz (HI, LIZ!) comes in to arrest the good Professor over those pesky mass murder allegations April made last week. Bonnie is all indignant, of course. Because her judgment is terrible.
Back at the bar, Damon and Jeremy find all the baby vamps in a big, dead pile. Ruh-roh. Seems Kol has beat them to the punch — and he’s still there, wanting to chat! He also greets Jeremy like an old friend, which reminds me of that time Jeremy was all proud someone actually liked him and then it turned out it was just Kol. That will never not crack me up, because apparently, I’m a terribly mean person.
Anyway, it seems the reason Kol’s so freaked about Silas is that he once met a group of his followers who told him that when Silas arose, he would bring about the end of the world. Huh. Okay. (Damon is as dubious about the reliability of this info as I am.) Long story short: Kol can’t kill Jeremy directly because that would trigger the hunter’s curse. When he threatens to rip his arms off instead, Damon attacks him so Jeremy can run.
Rebekah and Stefan are searching Professor Creeps’ place for the headstone, Rebekah having been the one to engineer his arrest through April so the coast would be clear. Clever! She reminisces about all those good times she and Stefan used to have back in the 20s when he wasn’t such a wet blanket and ate people for fun. Ah, memories. Stefan reminds her that he had no emotions then, but Rebekah thinks he had plenty of emotions — like joy! At eating people! (Seriously, the whole “emotion switch” idea is so poorly thought out and inconsistently used on this show. BONKERS. THAT IS WHAT IT DRIVES ME.)
Meanwhile, over at the station, Bonnie’s yelling at her dad for arresting her new cult leader. He tells her about Creeps’ confession. Surely not! But no, he confesses again, when she goes into the interrogation room to confront him. Because in Mystic, they let teenagers deal with murder suspects.
Cute!Matt thinks Elena’s judgment has been compromised because of the sire bond. She denies it, but their fight gets interrupted by a panicked call from Jeremy, telling them Kol has Damon. This prompts Elena to beg to Klaus for help — no, really. He literally makes her beg, even though their interests in this particular matter are the same. I’m so tired of Klaus being smug and awful all the time, guys. He can leave for his own show any time now.
When Klaus calls, Kol promises not to lay a hand on Jeremy. But we see he’s got Damon sitting nearby, compelled to stab himself through the chest. Oh, good. It’s been a while since we’ve had any quality Damon whumpage. Kol was just checking to make sure he could be compelled, you see, before sending him off to kill Jeremy. Clever boy! (Oh, and he also gives some pop psychology about how Damon actually wants Jeremy dead and doesn’t really want the cure and blah, blah, blah.)
Jeremy and Elena fight about how she still trusts Damon, who Jeremy doesn’t believe cares about him at all. His hunter instincts are also on overdrive, and he’s anxious about killing so many vamps to complete the mark and just overall kind of a mess. Poor Little J.
Rebekah and Stefan are… getting high? I think? The writers were kind of vague about whether or was ordinary weed or some magic crap of Shane’s, but whatever it is, they’re smoking it. Rebekah is scornful of Stefan’s continued moping over “a child who only thinks about herself.” Somehow, she is not immediately struck by lightning after saying that. Perhaps because God is as bored by this as I am.
Anyway, Becs explains how love just gets you stomped on over and over and her life’s been so much more fulfilling since she decided to stop caring. Yeah, I can tell how fulfilled you are by they way you constantly whine about how nobody asked you to prom at the high school you’re about A THOUSAND YEARS too old to attend. Stefan seem to be buying this more than I am, because he is weak and fickle.
They talk about how good their crazy sex in the 20s was and seem like they’re just about to get it on when some random dude breaks and goes right to the headstone they were looking for. Curious!
Damon shows up at Elena’s, claiming to want to apologize to Jeremy for how tough on him he’s been. This should clearly have been Elena’s first clue that something was off, but she just tells him Jere’s at the Grille.
At the station: Professor Creeps finally comes clean about his whole crazy plan to free Silas — a dude who’s so scary that even sucky Kol doesn’t want anything to do with him — in the hopes he’ll go on a resurrection spree. Why Creeps is so sure that Silas will go along with that is never explained. Bonnie correctly realizes that her new life coach is ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag. She’s ready to just write him off, but then he starts in on the “don’t you want to resurrect your Grams?” and “isn’t she currently suffering the eternal torments of angry spirits because you’re a dumbass?” Cheap move, Creeps.
At the Grille, Damon spots Jeremy and immediately vamps out, but Elena calling his name distracts him long enough for Jeremy to duck into that secret kitchen entrance to the labyrinth of tunnels that apparently runs beneath all of Mystic Falls. (One good earthquake and I envision the entire town becoming one, big, Sunnydale-sized sinkhole.)
Rebekah and Stefan are trying to interrogate their mystery burglar to find out who sent him. Unfortunately, he’s not only full of vervain, but seems to have been previously compelled to bite his own out tongue out and then stab himself in the throat to avoid telling them anything. Damn.
Creepy Shane taunts Bonnie to basically go nuts with the dark powers. I won’t lie — watching her magically crush his hand is pretty satisfying, but she’s obviously off the deep end. Not even her dad can calm her down — but Professor Creeps’ brainwashing hypnosis can! Seems like his litany about how she’s in control means that he’s actually in control. Great.
Damon deduces from his actions that he must be compelled, but still can’t stop himself from taking off into the tunnels at Jeremy. Elena, instead of vamp speeding immediately after him, just stands there staring like an idiot for a while. Then, when she does try to follow, she can’t find either of them and ends up calling Stefan for help. Awkward. Except then Rebekah answers. MORE AWKWARD.
Elena explains the sitch and asks Stefan to come help her get Damon contained if he still cares at all about either the cure or Jeremy. Um, did Stefan ever care about Jeremy? Did anyone? (Kidding, kidding. You know I love Little J. Even if he is a moron most of the time.)
Speaking of which, Damon wanders through the tunnels, helpfully yelling to Jeremy that he should run because Damon’s coming to kill him. Naturally, this prompts Jeremy to do the opposite.
Damon dodges his ambush and bites him pretty badly on the arm, but Jeremy does manage to gets a couple of shots in him. Damon orders him to shoot him in the heart, but Jere goes for the head shot instead. (Aw. Does this mean they both really do care about each other after all? Probably not.) When Damon wakes up, he curses Jeremy for being a moron. Well, yes, Damon. Thank you for paying attention.
Rebekah confronts Kol over trying to kill the key to the cure. She threatens to dagger him to break the compulsion on Damon. He, in turn, threatens to kill her with the white oak stake, which he has because…? I honestly cannot keep track of who had it last, to be honest. Kol escapes just as Klaus wanders up with some constructive criticism over how to properly dagger a sibling (hint: less talk, more daggering). Rebekah storms out in a digusted huff. Again. Some more.
Despite all the previous yelling and shooting, Elena doesn’t manage to catch up with Jeremy and Damon until all three of them are outside, Jeremy pretty much collapsing from blood loss. She begs Damon to fight the compulsion out of love for her and he looks like he might be able to… but then some blood drips and he’s going for Jeremy and–Stefan actually makes a really awesome entrance, snapping baby bro’s neck and snarkily telling Elena, “you’re welcome.” Hah.
Damon wakes up in dungeons at Chez Salvatore, weakened from Stefan having drained most of his blood, which he claimed was necessary because they still have no vervain anywhere. Um, does this plant grow nowhere else in the entire world? They can’t just order some from Amazon?
Anyway, Damon’s still under compulsion and Stefan’s still pretty much hating him, so the plan is to just leave him locked up and starving for the foreseeable future. Upstairs, Elena wants to go for a conjugal visit with the prisoner, but Stefan isn’t having it, since Damon could just order her to let him out. Okay, fair point.
She then takes the opportunity to read Stefan the riot act over teaming up with Rebekah. And since she did try to murder them all just last week, that seems like another fair point. Elena thinks that Stefan is acting out because she hurt him. (True.) He tells her this is just what he looks like when he’s not in love with her. Um, like a douche? I think she’s actually quite familiar with that look, Ripper.
Anyway, Elena is shocked and hurt and dear God, I’m so tired of these two and their relationship drama.
Bonnie’s father is freaked out about her lack of control. Bonnie thinks she’s fine. Oh, clearly.
That night, Klaus shows up at the Gilbert homestead to pick up his pet hunter for safekeeping while Kol’s still on the loose. Shockingly, both Gilberts reject this kind offer of protection. Klaus leaves after promising Kol will soon be there to burn the house down and suggests they should really call him when that happens.
Stefan shows up at Rebekah’s. She’s keeping the headstone they stole hidden from even him, which is probably wise given how often his allegiances change. They agree to have commitment-free sex, with no feelings involves. I’m sure that will end well.
Jeremy’s feeling a little dejected over that fact that this crap never ends. I hear that, Jere. But it’s cool, because Elena has a fool proof plan! See, killing Kol will kill thousands of vampires sired through his line — one kill, tattoo complete. And as an extra bonus: Damon’s compulsion will be gone. (Oh, easy as that, is it? Why didn’t anyone think to try killing an original before?)
But hey, you had me at “let’s kill Kol.”
Next time: Operation Kill Kol commences! But only if he doesn’t kill Bonnie first. DUN!