Guys, I know I say this a lot, but the noises that came out of my mouth when Kevin appeared on screen yesterday were not only supersonic, but so annoying that even I had to pause the DVR with an expression of disgust, like who is that asshole making those wretched sounds while I’m trying to watch my stories? And then I realized it was me. I was the asshole. THE HAPPIEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD.
KEVIN! All dignity and wry humor and salt and pepper hair! OMG, I love him. I also love him explaining, that no, there are no vampires (or angels or demons or magic). And no, he doesn’t have a daughter named Livvie, and basically no, I don’t have to acknowledge any of the PC canon I never liked anyway.
And obviously there’s more to it than that, because Alison is wandering around flipping her gourd at the sight of John. But whatever, she’s probably going to be dead soon anyway (not a spoiler, just a guess) which is fine with me, because I realized yesterday that the reason I’ve always instinctively loathed her is she looks a lot like Courtney, who was clearly the worst fictional person to have ever existed ever. (Sorry, Alison, you’re probably very nice, but you have to die. I can’t handle that shade on blond without having trauma flashbacks to 2003. )
Yesterday also brought awesomeness in the form of Lucy and Todd teaming up for board games and mental incompetence lessons, and if that sentence alone didn’t give you a joygasm, then here, have a visual aid:
Oh, I so badly need them to become partners in crime and shenanigans.
Speaking of which, Tracy + Connie (as she becomes more of a real person, she’s slowly earning the ‘C’ instead of the ‘K’) as besties forever: adorable and heartbreaking or MOST ADORABLE AND HEARTBREAKING THING EVER?
I mean, seriously. They’re so perfect for each other! I hope they stay BFFs and have sleep overs and braid each other’s hair while plotting revenge and world domination.
TRACY: Would you really do that for me?
CONNIE: Yeah, I would. We’re friends, right, Trace?
Yes! Yes, you are! You must be! You’re the only people both horrible and lonely enough to understand each other!
(Also, Ned’s gone again? I guess? And we STILL didn’t get a reunion with Alexis, damnit!) (Although the excuse that Brook Lynn broke her leg stage diving in Ibiza cracked me up, because of course she did. Oh, Brook Lynn. Even when you’re off screen, you still find new ways to suck.)