Previously on Vampire Diaries: They actually killed Kol! No, really! He is most sincerely dead!
We open a year ago, when Professor Creeps was running like hell through some woods, chased by a native person of some kind and dear LORD, please let whatever’s about to come with that not be as offensive as I’m sure it probably will be. He makes it to a cave, and… flash forward to the present. Team Cure is climbing out of boats on a rocky, cold looking beach somewhere that I’m guessing is very much not Virginia.
In fact, Damon wonders where they are — as if that question would only just now be coming up, which is like that fun thing tv characters do where they apparently drive long distances together and then only ask pertinent questions like “where are we going?” when they’re getting out of the car. Sure, tv characters. Sure.
Anyway, Creeps informs us all that they’re on some remote island 200 miles off the coast of Nova Scotia. The cure is here. And so is Silas. DUN! (Only not so much DUN because — spoiler! — this episode is actually pretty talky and boring.)
Rebekah and Elena are at each other’s throats (literally) while Stefan tries to place peacemaker. Damon reminds Elena that Stefan only brought Rebekah to get under her skin. I kind of don’t think that’s true? But it seems to make Elena feel better. She tries to feel Damon out about whether he’ll take the cure. He completely dodges the question.
Meanwhile, Jeremy’s standing around shirtless while Bonnie gropes him. For science! Oh, fine, she’s photographing the tattoos. I really hope these two aren’t getting back together. Oh, and we get a little more background on Silas — namely, that a witch named Qetsiyah made him immortal, learned he was two-timing her, killed the other woman, and buried him alive with the cure for immortality — which he refused to take. Eventually, her descendants created the hunters to find the cure and kill him. Well, that all sounds typically overwrought for characters on this show.
Back in Mystic, Klaus is still stuck in the Gilbert living room, thanks to Bonnie’s spell. If I were him, I’d at least be in my underwear on the couch, watching some Daytime tv. But of course he’s just standing around and brooding. Vampires are so predictable. Tyler shows up to taunt him about how much he’s looking forward to giving him the cure and then killing him slowly. Klaus, in turn, takes the opportunity to taunt Tyler about how he recently drowned his mother to death. Again: predictable.
Nature hike of doom! The gang follows creepy Shane through some creepy woods. Elena and Rebekah start sniping again, which would be annoying, but leads to an amusing bit where Rebekah declares that Damon’s useful purpose in the group is his “nice behind” and he makes a face like, “I can’t really argue with that” while Stefan laughs in the background. Heh.
As night falls, Professor Creeps continues the story: seems some miners digging a well on the island (why miners were well-digging on this super remote island is anyone’s guess) when they discovered blood falling in the well brings visions of dead loved ones. Word spread, and Creeps came searching for the well after the death of his wife and son. We pick up where the flashback at the beginning of the episode left off — he slices his palm over the well, creepy whispers start up, and then his dead wife appears. I’m sure that will all end well!
Back in the present, they come across a booby trap, which Creeps springs with a warning to be on the lookout for more. So of course, Jeremy and Elena immediately fall behind the rest of the group, and another native looking person shoots an arrow at Little J.
Elena knocks him out of the way, but when they go back for the shooter, he’s got a hatchet in his back. Mysterious!
Oh, yeah, did Creeps forget to mention there’s another quaint island story about how a group of college kids went camping there (on this super remote island full of murderous natives and cursed wells and booby traps, because sure, why not, SPRING BREAK!) and somehow ended up with all their blood drained? Damon snipes at him and Creeps shoots back that he’s surprised Damon even wants the cure, given how much he has to lose. Elena tries to reassure him that she’ll still love him no matter what. Damon does not seem reassured.
Caroline comes looking for Tyler at the Gilberts’. When he refuses to leave, she declares they’ll at least be useful while they’re there and clean up the burnt corpse on the kitchen floor. Oh, Caroline. This is why I love you.
Klaus thinks that Kol’s death makes them “even” for killing Tyler’s mom. Oh, and that they ought to be grateful for the way he “saved” Tyler by making him a hybrid slave, and kept Caroline alive with his blood that time. (Leaving out the part where she was only dying because he compelled Tyler to bite her in the first place, of course.) Um, yeah. I think Caroline’s expression pretty much says it all:
Except not really, but her words are also pretty expressive. And awesome:
CAROLINE: How delusional are you? You killed his mother. And let’s not forget we’re standing in a house where Elena’s Aunt Jenna used to live. Or did you think your charm would make us forget you killed her too? You know what? No. I am not going to engage in this. You are not even worth the calories I burn talking to you.
SLOW. CLAP. GIRLFRIEND.
Of course, during all this speechifying, she also wanders close enough to the spell barrier that Klaus is able to spear her with a — lamp? hard to see — and pull her over to him. So he can bite her. Because he’s THE WORST.
Back at the camp of the damned, a mysterious lurker in the woods watches as Stefan and Rebekah have a heart to heart about how being young and pretty forever is super miserable and they both just want to be human and have babies and grow old. Oh, and Stefan no longer wants to take the cure to be with Elena. He wants it for himself. Baby steps! It’s amazing how much less Stefan annoys me when he’s not pining after Elena. Stefan/Rebekah forever!
Bonnie confronts Professor Creeps about the spell she has to perform. Oh, did he forget to mention his dead wife was a witch, and trying to use “Expression” (least impressive name ever, btw — I keep expecting Bonnie to break into a modern dance routine every time she says it) to resurrect their son was what killed her? Damon correctly deduces that Creeps has turns Bonnie into a ticking time-bomb of instability, which only he can control. Fun!
Jeremy, for his part, manages to get himself kidnapped. Again.
Mystic Falls: Klaus smiles as Caroline freaks out. Tyler, because he is my favorite, swallows his pride to beg for her life — even offering to be Klaus’ slave again. Klaus, because he sucks, refuses.
Everyone’s looking for Jeremy. Damon, Creeps, and Bonnie stay behind so she can perform a locator spell while Elena, Stefan and Rebekah go searching in the woods so they can work out their issues. Well, and find Jeremy. (But really: so they can work on their issues.)
Damon finds Creeps being… creepy. Again. Some more. And has finally had enough. While he interrogates Creeps, we flashback to that chat he had with his dead wife in the well. Turns out she’s the one who gave him the whole Silas plan — including the fact that he’d need to make three mass sacrifices. And, oh yeah, did he forget to mention that Bonnie’s a descendant of Qetsiyah?
Rebekah and Elena snipe at each other. Again. Some more. Rebekah is still pissed about that one time she wasn’t a raging asshole to Elena and Elena stabbed her in the back anyway. BOO EFFING HOO, REBEKAH. Elena, for her part, is still a little bitter about the fact that Rebekah killed her. But when Rebekah saves Elena from another booby trap — this one covered in stakes, Elena thaws a little. Then she heads back to see if Bonnie’s spell has worked.
Damon realizes that if three massacres are needed, they’ve only had two. Oh, did Creeps forget to mention the third one hasn’t happened yet? (Past Creeps, I should say, seems much less blasé about all this mass murder business. I can’t tell if we’re supposed to think that he’s being influenced by his wife’s ghost or not. Or even if she’s really his dead wife’s ghost and not some trick by Silas.)
Caroline and Tyler share a tender moment as she lays dying. Which inspires Tyler to make one last play. He takes her back to Klaus and leaves her there so Klaus will have to watch her die.
Creeps plays mind games with Damon while the latter ties him up and gets his torture on. When Creeps tries to talk him into leaving the island, Damon nearly rips his head off, declaring he won’t be so easily manipulated. Somehow, I think you just were, big guy. At least, judging by the shit-eating grin on Creeps’ face after Elena rescues him.
Outside, Elena confronts Damon again, who finally admits that he thinks the cure is dumb and doesn’t want Elena to be human. Um, what happened to the dude who was so desperate to get her the cure two episodes ago? The trouble with this show’s never ending melodrama roller-coaster lately is I can’t tell if Damon’s about face here is supposed to be setting off warning bells that something’s messing with his head… or if this is just normal jerkitude. For her part, Elena thinks he’s doing that Damon thing where he pushes her away because he doesn’t think he deserves to be happy. My eyes roll forever, by the way.
Elena begs him to take the cure with her but he tells her that’s not him; that’s Stefan. Then he stomps off in a huff. Oh, whatever, Damon. I’m so over his stupid angst. (You know it’s a bad sign when Elena/Damon scenes are the least interesting part of the episode.)
Elsewhere in the creepy woods, Stefan saves Rebekah from another booby trap and they have a heart to heart about how her killing Elena was necessary to save her family, and maybe everyone should stop judging her for that? (Okay, true, but everyone in your family except for Elijah sucks, Rebekah.) When she and Stefan get back to camp, they find Elena looking for Creeps and Bonnie — oh, and the tombstone’s missing.
Caroline — on the couch now — is looking and sounding pretty rough. Klaus tells her that he has to let her die, because otherwise Tyler won’t “learn his lesson.” Oh. Well, as long as there’s a good reason…
Caroline asks him how he could do this to Tyler and his mom. And to her. Klaus says he must just be bored. Or pure evil. Sounds right to me! But no, Caroline thinks it’s because he’s hurt (EYES. ROLL. FOREVER) and that means there’s a part of him that’s human. That gets his attention. She admits she’s found herself wishing she could forget the horrible things he’s done. Oh, and she knows he’s in love with her. He doesn’t deny it.
But when she says that anyone who can love can be saved, he’s getting all teary-eyed and… okay. No, show. Just no. Caroline’s not the only one who’s occasionally wished she could forget all the bad stuff, but guess what? I can’t. And we shouldn’t. And no, just having the ability to love doesn’t mean mass murder is all just hunky dory forgivable.
ANYWAY. Despite all those reservations, these actors do have chemistry up the wazoo, and this is easily the most compelling scene in this entire way-too-much-Creeps-exposition-filled episode.
Caroline starts to seize and pass out. And of course Klaus immediately panics and then feeds her his blood. Because come on. He sucks and I hate him but he is totally in love with her. It’s all very tender and hot.
You know, if you can forget what a douchnozzle he is. (If this show really wants to make Klaus/Caroline work for me, they’re going to need to pull a True Blood and give him adorable amnesia or something.)
Although I can’t help but wonder how much of Caroline’s dialog there was spontaneous and how much was part of Tyler’s plan. Because I could totally see him telling her to use the “I know you’re in love with me” card.
Back at the island, Rebekah has gone straight into super paranoid conspiracy mode, accusing Elena and Stefan of betraying her to give Creeps the headstone. Stefan gives a speech about how much he hates being a vampire and would never let a psycho like that run off with the cure. For some reason this seems to surprise Elena, although misery and guilt have been Stefan’s defining characteristics from day one, so I don’t know why. For her part, to mend fences with Rebekah, she offers her the white oak stake and makes a speech about teamwork. Rebekah seems to thaw.
Elsewhere in the woods, Creeps, some dread-locked male witch, a chained and gagged Jeremy, and Bonnie (following her locator spell in some sort of trance) all converge. Creeps thought the witch guy was the one who killed the native guy earlier, but he says no. So there’s someone else in play, maybe the same someone who was spying on Stefan and Rebekah earlier?
Speaking of which, while continuing to stomp off in a huff, Damon’s attacked by another member of The Five. Who snaps his neck. Oh, no! Will Damon die? I’m so worri–sorry, no. Can’t even pretend to be a little bit concerned that will actually happen.
Next time: Damon’s enjoys some hunter hostage bonding while everyone else scrambles for the cure. Let’s hope there’s less talking and more action! Also, some Katherine wouldn’t hurt, but I won’t go holding my breath.