Previously on Vampire Diaries: The gang traveled to some random island and are kind of sucking at finding the cure.
We open on the random “Five” dude torturing Damon. Sounds like he is draining him of his blood. Guess this is becoming a regular thing for Damon. The hunter guy tells Damon that he basically knows all about Damon’s friends. He also tells him that his hunters mark completed at the same time as Jeremy’s. Oh, and his name is Galen Vaughn and he likes to get stabby.
Elena is calling Caroline and updating her on the whole “Bonnie, Jeremy, and Damon missing!” thing. She wants Caroline to get the sword and translate the hunter tattoos.
Meanwhile, Professor Creeps is leading his captive expedition to find the cure. His weird native-looking assistant says he wants payment for kidnapping Jeremy and Bonnie. He gets paid with… the tombstone. I don’t get it. Neither did Bonnie and she says so. Professor Creeps explains that the tombstone has Qetsiya’s petrified blood in it. Gross. Wouldn’t any witch worth their salt maybe think this whole entire plan is a bad idea? Well, we don’t get to find out because native-looking witch dude takes a hike. Okay, seriously. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that pretty much ALL witches (except Esther) are non-white? THIS IS RACIST, SHOW. And no, having one exception does not remedy this situation. That is like saying, hey I have a black son, I can’t be racist. Don’t be crazier than the current Maine governor, show.
Klaus continues to snipe at Tyler. I’m tired of it. Tyler points out that he found the sword and discovered that its hilt has a cryptext in it. Oh and it’s in Aramaic, which of course, Klaus knows. And he doesn’t waste any time smugly pointing it out to them. ‘Atta boy, Klaus. Continue to be consistently douchey. At least we know what to expect!
Elena throws herself a pity party because everyone is in a mess to save her. Stefan points out that everyone has their own reasons for being there. Elena asks why Stefan never told her he wanted the cure. Uh, really, Elena? All the self-loathing and whining wasn’t enough? Stefan says he’s basically wanted it all along. Well, duh. The two of them declare themselves friends, which of course appears to bother Rebekah.
Galen tells Damon he wants to give Silas the cure so that he can kill him. And he plans to use Damon to get Bonnie to open the passage to Silas’ crypt for him. Ahahahahhhaha. Hilarious. Damon rightly points out that Bonnie won’t be motivated by threatening him. Heh. He says that if Galen shares the cure, then Bonnie would be happy to help him. Except there’s one thing they are all missing: the cure has only one dose.
Bonnie and Jeremy repel themselves into the magic vision well, and share a sweet moment when Jeremy bandages a cut on Bonnie’s hand. In retrospect, though the fact that they seemed to be trying to make Bonnie and Jeremy happen again bugged me at the time, it now just seems nice. Bonnie assures Jeremy that she isn’t going to let Professor Creeps raise Silas; she’ll kill him if she has to. Oh, and some of her bloods spilled on the rocks. Uh-oh.
At the same time, Klaus is also discovering the fact there is only one dose of the cure. Tyler and Caroline send Rebekah the map and during the ensuing phone call, Klaus manages to share the one dose news with his sister –presumably hoping she’ll take it for herself, thereby preventing it from being used on him. Sneaky!
Vaughn and Damon snipe at each other for a bit before stumbling over a now very dead native-witch dude. They realize that there are other dangerous people on the island.
Meanwhile, Jeremy helps Bonnie focus to open up Silas’ tomb. She sucks his tattoo into her hand and causes rocks and crap to fall. Luckily, this shake up causes Professor Creeps to get pinned under some boulders. Vindication! That’s karma, bitch!
Rebekah talks to Stefan about the limited dose situation and he (stupidly) admits that if he got the cure, he would give it to Elena. So she breaks his neck. That’s… harsh, Rebekah.
Galen and Damon arrive at the tomb, so he lets Damon go. Uh, I don’t get that move. Seems like he could have just killed Damon while he was restrained. But what fun would that be?
Elena again whines about how she can’t let everyone sacrifice to give her the cure. Oh, good God, Elena. The last three and a half seasons have been all about you. Now you have a problem with it? Elena talks again about how she has changed and Stefan whines again about how she is sired to Damon. Ugh. I’m so tired of this. They need to make Stefan move on and have Elena not be sired and whiny. This is so boring. In the middle of all this self pity, Elena and Stefan realize that if there is only one dose, they really need to give it to Klaus because he is going to be super pissed once he gets out of his mystical cage.
Tyler is also starting to panic about what’s going to happen when Klaus gets out. Caroline tries to talk him down and promises she will talk with Klaus.
Hunter dude has a stake bomb that he puts inside of Rebekah. Super gross. He shoots what I suspect is some ropes dipped in vervain at Damon’s neck, but takes off when Stefan and Elena show up. Stefan helps free Damon while Elena goes ahead without them.
Bonnie and Jeremy are wandering in the caves when suddenly Bonnie’s Grams appears to her. Grams tells Bonnie that she can bring her back to life.
Jeremy points out that he would be able to see Grams if she was actually there. Okay, as far as the show is concerned, that is true. But wouldn’t that mean that Jeremy would have seen way more dead people than he ever did? I mean, Mystic Falls has A LOT of dead people. Okay, whatever. Anyway, Jeremy brings Bonnie’s focus back and they agree to move on. It seems that Silas uses people’s dead loved ones to manipulate them, a la The First Evil.
Back at the Gilbert’s, Caroline is trying to convince Klaus not to be a royal ass hat. In their conversation, he points out that Caroline wouldn’t want to take the cure. Well, duh. Caroline kind of sucked before she was a vampire and is now totally kicks ass. That is the major reason why I am annoyed when she gives Elena such crap for “changing.” She changed and she should allow Elena to change too. But I digress. Klaus spouts on about how he and Caroline are the same and WHAT THE FUCK EVER, show. Klaus and Caroline are not at all the same. You will never convince me of that. End of story. She plays on this bullshit comparison he has made by trying to get him to spare Tyler. He acts like he is going to spare him for a minute but then reveals he will only give Tyler a head start before killing him. Oh, Klaus. You don’t deserve a standing ovation every time you show a minuscule amount of human decency. Go fuck yourself. Please.
Damon and Stefan go round two hundred and thirty of “who loves Elena more.” This time, Damon decides to sit and be passive while Elena goes and gets the cure and Stefan chases after her.
Caroline and Tyler have a tearful goodbye. I can’t help but think this is yet another contrived reason to get rid of one of the actors for a period of time because they can’t afford to have all the cast around at the same time. Maybe that won’t have to happen as often once Klaus goes the hell away. I’m praying this spin-off flies just so that I don’t have him eating up my VD screen time anymore. Sadly, it’s also probably happening right now so they can continue trying to make Klaus/Caroline happen. DO NOT WANT, SHOW. Anyway, Tyler lies that he will go, live on, forget about her, and be happy to try and make Caroline feel better. Awww, Tyler.
Meanwhile, Elena is searching for Silas’ tomb and is intercepted by a mysterious someone. While Professor Creeps is busy begging people to help him and talking to visions of… oh, hell. I can’t pretend to care.
Jeremy and Bonnie find Silas. He is in a serious form of mummification. And unfortunately, he is holding the one dose of the cure, which can’t be removed unless he is woken up. And for some reason, even though he isn’t a vampire he needs human blood to wake up? I just… I don’t know why I even try to make sense of all of this anymore.
Back at Rebekah’s exploded guts, Damon is helping her by pulling the pieces of shrapnel out. She points out that Damon sitting idly by is his way of being unselfish. I agree, but I’m not giving him brownie points for it just yet. Mostly because I know Elena isn’t turning back to being a human right away and he is still going to be her sire and not care enough about how that impacts her.
Jeremy doesn’t want to believe that the only way to get the cure is to raise Silas so he starts pounding the shit out of him. Unfortunately, while he does that Galen shows up and stabs Bonnie. Damn it! Jeremy runs to Bonnie to help her, but realizes that Galen is trying to wake Silas with his blood. They get into a fist fight and despite Jere’s epic Damon boot camp training, he gets his ass kicked. Elena shows up just in time to save him from Galen.
Klaus walks out of the Gilbert’s house and Caroline wonders how that was possible. Klaus surmises something bad must have happened to Bonnie. He also says that he only showed kindness and forgiveness for Caroline’s sake. Uh, wha? What planet is this dude from, anyway? You think you’re such a big man because you’re waiting before you kill someone instead of killing them immediately? Bah.
Stefan sees some blood dripping and finds Elena bleeding. Uh, oh. Guess what. It wasn’t Elena helping Jeremy, it was Katherine! Who grabs Jeremy and feeds his blood to Silas. She then grabs the cure and takes off, leaving Silas to snap Jeremy’s neck. Jeremy falls to the floor, lifeless.
Wow. Poor little J. We barely knew thee. Or really, we knew thee well, we barely liked thee, but you were starting to not suck and so of course it was time for you to die. I’m actually kind of sad, you guys.
Next time: Elena loses her shit.