It looks like we’re going to be hip deep in Franco, rape, and the mob for the foreseeable future. And you know what that means, folks? That’s right! It’s time for a good, old-fashioned douche-off!
Let’s go to contender number one. He’s an old pro at this event, although it’s been a while since we’ve seen him in competition. Something tells me he’s back at full fighting form, though — weighing in at 160 lbs. of pure hypocrisy, it’s Sonny Corinthos!
CARLY: I mean, you have to know, you know that when I have Shawn the go ahead, I never meant for something like this to–
SONNY: You never meant for anyone to get hurt except Franco. That old song and dance doesn’t cut it! Not this time!
Oh, you mean the one time when you’re not the person most directly at fault, Sonny? Color me shocked!
That’s a big start from a seasoned pro. Waiting in the dark in the home of a young child to wave a gun in his ex-wife’s face over something he’s done too many times to count? Gonna be hard to beat.
But let’s see what contender number two has up his sleeve! Ladies and gentlemen, the chip off the ol’ block, the apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree: Morgan Corinthos!
MORGAN: Is this for real? Kiki knew about this before me?
The “this” he’s referring to is his brother’s brutal prison rape, by the way. Luckily, with his signature lightning wit, Morgan was able to quickly zero in on the true victim of this tragedy:
MORGAN: Dude, you don’t even like her. Or trust her. At least that’s what you keep telling me. And now you’re going to confide in her over me?
MICHAEL: It wasn’t like that Morgan!
MORGAN: Then what was it like?
MICHAEL: I was going through something rough, okay? And she was just–
KIKI: We were just talking, Morgan!
MORGAN: I never said you weren’t. What the hell is going on here? You and my brother got real close all of a sudden. Real quick.
For those keeping score at home, that’s a 60 second turn around from learning about a loved one’s sexual assault to making it all about his personal butthurt over not being told sooner, and then an extra ten seconds to start attacking the loved one in question in a full blown jealous snit.
Not a bad first showing, little Corinthos. This is going to be a tough one for the judges– but wait, what’s this? Sonny has another card to play?
CARLY: You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already told myself. I know what I did to Dante and to Olivia–
SONNY: What about Shawn? Has it sunk in that you turned his life upside down? Has it? Because I was real careful with him when he came to work for me. This is the first time that I asked him to do something like this. […] Even if Olivia makes it through this, we have Anna Devane, we have Dante hot on our trails. And then there’s Shawn, who you betrayed. I would not blame him for ratting you out.
Yes, what about Shawn? Won’t anybody think about the emotional trauma faced by contract killers? And on his first assassination, too. That’s just a shame. What if he’s so scarred by this experience that he’s never able to murder someone for money again? Huh, Carly? DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT?
That might just be a knock out blow, folks. The junior Mr. Corinthos put in a good fight, but even his colossal levels of self-absorption are no match the master. Sonny Corinthos, everyone: the defending champion and reigning Maximum Douche, ten years running.