Won’t someone PLEASE think of the poor hit men?

It looks like we’re going to be hip deep in Franco, rape, and the mob for the foreseeable future. And you know what that means, folks? That’s right! It’s time for a good, old-fashioned douche-off!

Let’s go to contender number one. He’s an old pro at this event, although it’s been a while since we’ve seen him in competition. Something tells me he’s back at full fighting form, though — weighing in at 160 lbs. of pure hypocrisy, it’s Sonny Corinthos!

Sonny threatens Carly

CARLY: I mean, you have to know, you know that when I have Shawn the go ahead, I never meant for something like this to–
SONNY: You never meant for anyone to get hurt except Franco. That old song and dance doesn’t cut it! Not this time!

Oh, you mean the one time when you’re not the person most directly at fault, Sonny? Color me shocked!

That’s a big start from a seasoned pro. Waiting in the dark in the home of a young child to wave a gun in his ex-wife’s face over something he’s done too many times to count? Gonna be hard to beat.

But let’s see what contender number two has up his sleeve! Ladies and gentlemen, the chip off the ol’ block, the apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree: Morgan Corinthos!

MORGAN: Is this for real? Kiki knew about this before me?

The “this” he’s referring to is his brother’s brutal prison rape, by the way. Luckily, with his signature lightning wit, Morgan was able to quickly zero in on the true victim of this tragedy:

Morgan douching it up

MORGAN: Dude, you don’t even like her. Or trust her. At least that’s what you keep telling me. And now you’re going to confide in her over me?
MICHAEL: It wasn’t like that Morgan!
MORGAN: Then what was it like?
MICHAEL: I was going through something rough, okay? And she was just–
KIKI: We were just talking, Morgan!
MORGAN: I never said you weren’t. What the hell is going on here? You and my brother got real close all of a sudden. Real quick.

For those keeping score at home, that’s a 60 second turn around from learning about a loved one’s sexual assault to making it all about his personal butthurt over not being told sooner, and then an extra ten seconds to start attacking the loved one in question in a full blown jealous snit.

::slow clap::

Not a bad first showing, little Corinthos. This is going to be a tough one for the judges– but wait, what’s this? Sonny has another card to play?

CARLY: You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already told myself. I know what I did to Dante and to Olivia–
SONNY: What about Shawn? Has it sunk in that you turned his life upside down? Has it? Because I was real careful with him when he came to work for me. This is the first time that I asked him to do something like this. […] Even if Olivia makes it through this, we have Anna Devane, we have Dante hot on our trails. And then there’s Shawn, who you betrayed. I would not blame him for ratting you out.

Yes, what about Shawn? Won’t anybody think about the emotional trauma faced by contract killers? And on his first assassination, too. That’s just a shame. What if he’s so scarred by this experience that he’s never able to murder someone for money again? Huh, Carly? DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT?

That might just be a knock out blow, folks. The junior Mr. Corinthos put in a good fight, but even his colossal levels of self-absorption are no match the master. Sonny Corinthos, everyone: the defending champion and reigning Maximum Douche, ten years running.

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13 thoughts on “Won’t someone PLEASE think of the poor hit men?

  1. “Something tells me he’s back at full fighting form, though — weighing in at 160 lbs. of pure hypocrisy, it’s Sonny Corinthos!”

    Don’t forget the 30 lbs of sheer muscle.*

    I’m gonna enjoy the stink eyes Dante is shooting towards Sonny (and which should have never stopped) while I can.

    *In case anyone need reminding, what Diane about Sonny when she said there was no way Claudia could overpower him, because of the 30 lbs of sheer muscle sonny had on her.

  2. Well, I was really on board with GH for a while but now that we are back in mob land I’m feeling less excited :(

    Morgan may have lost the douchebag games but he is still wins dumbest person in PC. I was looking forward to his return when I saw the casting but so far all I’ve seen him be is an idiotic dudebro :(

    • It’s definitely in a rough patch at the moment. I only read spoilers when I’m not enjoying the show, and there’s definitely some stuff coming up that sounds better. We just have to get through this Franco/Mob mess first!

  3. Is it wrong that I kind of get Morgan? I think my hatred of Kiki and Michael (the kissing cousins) is clouding things, but Michael basically messing around with his brother’s girlfriend. Given how close Michael and Morgan have always been for him to tell Kiki over Morgan is idiotic.

    • YES, IT IS WRONG AND NOW WE MUST FIGHT!

      Aha, but no, seriously — I guess I couldn’t really care less about the fact that Michael and Kiki are cousins? I mean, if they were raised as family that would be one thing, but whatever. I find the fact that her name is Kiki more offensive. And, she and Morgan barely know each other at this point, so it’s not like Michael is exactly a homewrecker… also, Morgan has been such a tremendous asshole to his brother since he got SORASed that I’m actually looking forward to watching his heart get broken. So those are my biases.

      But that aside, I think it actually makes perfect sense that Michael would be reluctant to tell Morgan about the rape. Male rape is such a sensitive, almost taboo topic, and there’s a lot of shame attached? And this is his baby brother, who Michael is used to seeing him in a certain way. That he would both want to protect him from that knowledge and also protect himself from potentially having Morgan see him as a victim in that way works for me. Kiki, as a virtual stranger who he didn’t even like much, was someone he could vent to without worrying about her feelings or opinion.

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