Coming home from vacation is always a little disorienting. But finding myself mentally high-fiving Sonny on top of all that? Definitely adding an extra shade of weirdness to my day.
I mean, this was actually cogent advice! What–why–HOW?
SONNY: If you’re worried that, you know, Kiki’s going to leave you and that’s why you’re marrying her, that doesn’t solve the problem, Morgan.
MORGAN: Okay. But Kiki and I, we are good together. It’s not that–
SONNY: But if she doesn’t love you, or love you enough, it’s best to know that before you marry her.
MORGAN: That’s not what I meant–
SONNY: Yes, it is. It is what you meant! Because if you’re worried this girl’s going to run after Tom, Dick, or Harry if you don’t marry her, then she’s not the one for you!
Of course, Sonny being Sonny, the conversation proceeded to veer wildly from the good (pointing out that maybe this girl Morgan insists he loves so much might have the right to know her father isn’t actually a serial killer) to the less good (but forget Kiki! Doesn’t Michael deserve to know? Doesn’t he deserve to get the girl? Aren’t girls, in fact, things that dudes can deserve?) to the completely ludicrous (the outright laughable claim that Sonny loves all his children equally, which: HAH).
But we knew all that sense-making couldn’t last, so the whole thing ended with Sonny agreeing to go along with Morgan’s brilliant plan in order to make himself feel better about what a crap father he is. Because nothing says good parenting like allowing one child to wallow in agonized guilt over feeling attracted to his cousin and another to marry a girl who doesn’t really love him and who will inevitably leave him when she finds out he’s been lying to her! Right? (Psst… Sonny: when Carly is the one pointing out the flaws in your logic, maybe you should reconsider. JUST SAYING.)
Also, can we talk about Morgan’s plaaaaaan for a second? Because his role models for marital bliss are Sonny, Carly, and Jax, so it seems more than a little strange that he seems convinced neither divorce nor infidelity are things that actually exist. And that a marriage license will somehow present more of an obstacle to Michael and Kiki’s attraction than either FREAKING INCEST or the fact that they were already betraying him when she was just his girlfriend.
That Michael and Kiki seem to agree with him just means that literally everyone involved in this story is criminally stupid. So I guess I shouldn’t pick on Morgan… except his pleas to Sonny to let him “have” Kiki because he’s earned it — like she’s a stray dog he found on the playground and should get to keep because he’s done all his chores — really make me want to punch him repeatedly. SHUT UP, MORGAN.
(And yes, blah blah, young and stupid, blah blah, natural product of Carly and Sonny’s apparently hereditary hypocrisy and self-absorption. I’d still be perfectly happy if one of Sonny’s mob rivals were to “accidentally” shoot him in the head.)
Lucky for us, this ball of stupid is rapidly spreading across the rest of the canvas, thanks to the appearance of Connie’s mysterious new boss, Derek Wells. You can tell Mr. Wells is a Serious Business Man because he does serious business things like being rude and abusive to his underlings and having strategic plans that hinge entirely on a fashion editor suddenly turning into an intrepid reporter — like, seriously? Did the paper already fire its entire reporting staff? — and landing exactly one story about the corporate infighting at a nearly bankrupt local company.
(Thrilling! Sign me up for a subscription for life to this dying medium based on one boring story about boardroom shenanigans… said absolutely no one in Port Charles.)
This whole thing is so aggressively dumb that even Olivia — a woman who spent months legitimately worried her grandchild might be a dog — can’t believe it:
OLIVIA: That’s ridiculous! I’m not even in publishing and I know it doesn’t work like that! A newspaper is like an ocean liner — it’s not exactly nimble. You don’t just turn it around in a week!
ME: Preach it, sister.
So basically: Derek is the new Worst and this story makes even less sense than usual. Except today we learned that none of that really matters, because he is also actually… Julian Jerome! Which is actually kind of awesome! So now I’m interested in spite of myself.
The question now being: is this the same Julian Jerome who fathered Lucas and was presumed dead in the early 1990s? Or a namesake? And more importantly: have we finally met Sam’s effing father? William deVry is only seven years younger than the original actor, so that’s close enough to work. But even the original Julian Jerome would have been a pre-teen when Sam was conceived in the early 70s. (On the other hand, in a world where 43 year old Lisa LoCicero can play the mother of 34 year old Dominic Zamprogna… do we really care? NOT REALLY.)
In any case, no matter how it goes, we’re about to get a much needed Anna/Duke injection into this hot mess, and I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow’s episode. Hallelujah.