It is a scientifically proven fact that even when this show — how do I say this delicately? — sucked gigantic donkey balls, wedding-related parties at Jake’s The Floating Rib are always awesome. Always.
Obviously, this was no exception. Poison! Karaoke! Baby momma drama! Drag! Everything I love in life, basically!
First of all, can we please talk about my new girlfriend, Liesl Obrecht? Because she is both the MVP of the last few episodes and OF MY HEART. Who else could rock that wig with such panache? Who else could pull off a monologue referring to her romantic rival as “the sow and her piglet”? Or dialog like this?
DR. OBRECHT: That’s right, Commish, enjoy. As if it’s your last night on Earth… because it is.
ME: Twirl that metaphorical mustache, Liesl! Twirl it like the wind!
Who else could crash a party hosted by said enemy, spend most of the evening giving speeches to herself about murder, get up on stage and give a kick ass performance of Is That All There Is… and actually get away with it? No one, that’s who.
(Well, okay, maybe Heather Webber. Or Helena Cassadine. But that is extremely good company of dastardly ladies in which to find yourself, Liesl.) (I’m still bitter, by the way, that she and Helena hung out at least once and we didn’t get to see it. Because you just know that meeting was amazing, Y/Y?)
Oh, and speaking of that sow, I’d like to present Finola Hughes: Actually Flawless Human Being. How does she look so much more amazing now than she did 30 years ago? Is there a portrait in her attic? Is she a cyborg? HOW?
She and Duke remain the cutest and obviously he isn’t going to die, but no seriously, if Duke dies, I will cut a bitch. NO DYING IS ALLOWED FOR DUKE.
(That little moment when he was giving his goofy, schoopy toast and Anna just laid her head on his shoulder and then he leaned his head back on hers? I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.)
Other things I love: Dante and Lulu’s love for Maxie. I don’t care how you manage it, Ron Carlivati, but if that friendship doesn’t get repaired somehow after the big baby secret finally comes out, I will… blog about it really angrily on the internet. So help me.
Felix and Lucy’s continued friendship is also adorable, and I’m not just saying that because it gives him something to talk about that doesn’t involve Sabrina’s love life. (P.S. Dear writers, please can Felix have a love life of his own to talk about soon? Pretty please with a Lucas on top?)
More importantly: the travesty that is Lucy and Kevin not standing up for Mac and Felicia at their wedding was finally addressed! Not that I don’t love Duke and Anna, but come on! These guys were the fearsome foursome on the 90s! Maxie knows what I’m saying:
MAXIE: Look, drag or no drag, it’s clear those four people have a lot of love between them. They’re very lucky.
Listen, we’re all very lucky, Maxie, because NORMA AND EVE! Like, you guys. YOU. GUYS. You do not want to know how loudly I screamed or how long I freaking clapped when this happened:
And then–and then, Lucy and her Doc made up and realized that duh, they are soul mates forever and this silly fighting should end and… ::sigh:: my heart is so happy right now.
Meanwhile, Britt strategically spilled several truths to Patrick in a moment of evil brilliance that ought to make even my darling Liesl proud. But she’s also showing signs of conscience, which is nice. You know, like not advocating for her rival’s murder, and kind of feeling bad about letting Patrick get attached to a child that isn’t really his. Baby steps, Britta!
(Also, she and Nikolas went on a movie friend date together off screen? I’m… having trouble picturing Nik doing something as mundane as going to the movies. Do you think he got confused and tried to buy the entire theater for a private showing? What did they see? Did Nik mistakenly think Pacific Rim was a nature documentary? Did all the cartoon super-villainy in Despicable Me give them both uncomfortable flashbacks to their childhoods? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS MOVIE DATE, SHOW. I AM FASCINATED.)