Let’s be honest: Kristina Wagner has never been the strongest actress. She’s had a few really great moments, and skated by the rest of the time on a likable presence and good chemistry. Which is all you really need sometimes on a soap, so I’m not knocking it. Better actors by far have floundered without that magic soap touch.
Since she’s been back, it’s taken her a little while to get into the groove again — with one notable exception. But damn if she didn’t kind of rip my heart out here:
MAXIE: We’re in a good place now.
FELICIA: We’re in a great place. Because of you. You let me back into your life and you didn’t have to, Maxie.
MAXIE: You’re my mom.
FELICIA: I haven’t always acted like one. Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won’t waste it. My little girl. All grown up. So compassionate, so strong. You’re going to be an exceptional mother someday, do you know that?
MAXIE: I love you, mom.
(Thanks, ladies. I didn’t really want to get through the rest of my day without crying anyway.)
Oh, and then, Mac and Felicia got married! Again!
For some reason, they did it in a bar, which is an interesting life choice that I probably would not have made. (Although given the likelihood of getting shot in the Port Charles park or waterfront areas… or in a church… or at the MetroCourt… I guess maybe we can’t blame them?)
And hey, it’s not like they haven’t done the big, fancy church thing before. Twice:
(Maxie should really just be thankful Felicia’s bridesmaid dress tastes have changed since 1994.)
Unfortunately, the wedding was somewhat marred by the inexplicable decision to shuttle Kevin off to an patient emergency with Connie. Because clearly, discussing the state of her love life couldn’t possibly have waited a couple hours so Kevin could be the best man for two of his oldest friends. If this is seriously how we’re defining “emergencies” now, it might be time for you to learn how to set some boundaries, Kev. Just sayin’.
Plus, walking out on Lucy with her new hair looking this cute? For shame, Kevin Collins. For shame.
ALSO, RICHARD SIMMONS WAS THERE TOO.
YEAH, IDEK. JUST GO WITH IT.
Anyway, Keven’s absence was a transparent excuse to have Maxie and Spinelli making googly eyes at each other during the ceremony, just in time for her to give birth to his child.
(And if I think too hard about the fact that Maxie and Spinelli will now be tied together for life, or that effing Spinelli, who — when last we checked, was still living in his office and who only recently learned how to refer to people by their real names — will soon be in charge of a child, I may cry. So… moving on!)
Of course, at the same time, Dante was arresting Britt, along with what many people suspect is his and Lulu’s real baby. Honestly, for the child of two supervillains, Britt is a pretty terrible liar. Or maybe her game was just thrown off by the sight of her mother disappearing into what I can only assume must be another of the patented Port Charles wormholes? I mean, judging by the speed with which she arrived in Pennsylvania.
(Also: Corinth! The Loving and The City shout outs make five other ABC soaps Carlivati has managed to reference since coming on board. Excellent job, sir. I like my soaps like I like my ecosystems: interconnected.)
(It’s okay, Britt. I imagine that discovering the existence of interstate wormhole technology in your living room would throw anyone for a loop.)
But, whatever! Because it gave the luminous Dr. O a chance to hang out with Luke and Holly, and to deliver such gems as:
DR. O: Who’s wrath did you incur to earn such a sordid fate?
LUKE: Helena Cassadine! Your spiritual twin!
DR. O: Helena. Great woman. I heard you killed her. Now she’s killing you. Karma… is a delight.
Seriously, Carlivati. Flashbacks. Helena and Obrecht: painting each other nails, bitching about the megalomaniacal supercriminals they’ve both loved, sharing poisoning tips. I demand this happen.
Dr. O also revealed that she and Faison were the ones selling Jerry the cure, which means that he blackmailed Ewen into faking Robin’s death in exchange for the toxin from Faison-as-Duke to poison the town so he could get the 88 million dollars to pay… Faison. You know, just in case you were feeling like that whole story was a little too simple and clear cut before.
Elsewhere, Olivia and Sonny were together, and therefore gross. Also, this happened:
OLIVIA: Is this a bad time?
SONNY: No, it’s not a bad time. It’s just that when Carly comes here, she doesn’t knock. But to be fair, when I go to her house, I don’t knock either.
OLIVIA: The two of you have a special relationship.
I was going to make a joke about how, yes, it’s the kind of special relationship where, after not knocking, he sits in the dark in her living room with a gun, waiting to threaten to kill her. But then I remembered that we’re supposed to find that “romantic” and I threw up a little in my mouth.