Is there an obscure German word for the feeling of mixed dread and satisfaction? Because I think it would be useful for describing the last two days on this show. Lacking that, I guess I’ll just let Ian Buchanan’s magnificent face give a visual demonstration of the way I felt while watching:
HALF WINCE/HALF INTERNALLY CRYING FOREVER
First up: after Brad took approximately five million years to spit out his secret (and LOL that his idea of a good deed was to ruin four strangers’ lives with a secret that wasn’t his own, as opposed to, I don’t know… spilling the real truth about Britt’s baby daddy? OH BRAD) the Maxie/Lulu/Dante/Spinelli fight to end all fights finally kicked in gear today.
And it got ugly. REAL UGLY.
DANTE: Kids aren’t interchangeable, Maxie! You can’t just say “here, take this kid” because you’re too scared to have a conversation!
MAXIE: Lulu, you know me!
LULU: No, I thought I knew you.
MAXIE: Disappointing you was my worst nightmare! LULU: What do you call this? All we wanted was a family.
MAXIE: All I wanted was to give you one–
LULU: I never should have trusted you to be our surrogate!
MAXIE: Don’t say that.
LULU: What else am I supposed to say? I have no idea what you have convinced yourself of, or how you manage to sleep at night, but what you have done–what you’ve done is unthinkable, Maxie! You are a cruel human being!
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I actually felt most sorry for Spinelli in these scenes. I know! Spinelli! But he was as much a victim of this lie as Dante and Lulu, and he tried to make the best of a horrible situation in order to spare them pain, and then he ended up getting blamed as if he was the one who had set the whole thing in motion! So just this once: I’m team Spinelli.
(Remind me of this day the next time he’s being a self-righteous hypocrite about something, so I can marvel at it.)
Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure we just witnessed the end of Maxie and Lulu’s friendship for the foreseeable future. Lulu’s recent insufferableness aside, that was gut-wrenching. And if there’s a custody battle coming up, as seems inevitable, then I’m sure it can only get worse. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED, GUYS.
On the other hand, Dante getting to put the clues together and just scream at Maxie was damn satisfying. And that was one hell of a soapy slap Lulu laid on Maxie. See? Satisfying! Yet Terrible! (Come on, Germans, you have to have a word that covers this.)
Speaking of which, the luminous Dr. O’s eternal nemesis — that schlumpy Anna Devane — was at it again. If by it you mean tag teaming with Jason Thompson to RUIN ME. (But in an extra delicious way, because: ROBIN ROBIN ROBIN!!!)
PATRICK: I love Sabrina, but–
ANNA: What, what?
PATRICK: [voice breaking] I can’t let Robin go.
ANNA: [tearing up] Nobody knows better than I how hard it is to let go of Robin. But you have to. We both do.
PATRICK: I know you’re right. I know! But–
ANNA: What is holding you back?
PATRICK: I can’t put my finger on it. It doesn’t make any sense; it’s not based on any sort of fact. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m never going to see her again, that I’m going to spend the rest of my life without her.
OH, STOP IT, YOU TWO. No, really: stop it, because I’m starting to get dehydrated from all the tears.
And of course, in the soapiest of all soapy coincidences, Patrick finally made the decision to take off his wedding ring and move on with his life just as Robin was watching footage of the Nurses’ Ball (that Jerry funded!) and vowing to make her way home to him.
Does anyone else get all tingly thinking about Patrick and Anna seeing Robin alive for the first time? IT’S GOING TO BE SO GOOD. And I swear: if we don’t get some sort of recreation of this scene — I don’t care if it’s Anna and Robin, Robin and Emma, Robin and Patrick — I will be SORELY disappointed in Ron Carlivati’s love of history.
Also, her face on hearing about Richard Simmons? Kind of speaks for all of us, I think:
EVEN JERRY THINKS THE SIMMONS THING IS WEIRD
Jerry, by the way, was kind enough to confirm what many have guessed: he’s been keeping Robin so she can manufacture a cure for his polonium poisoning. Which… actually kind of makes sense? (I love it when a long term plan comes together! Mostly because I’m not used to it on this show!)
This leads us to the architect of all this deliciousness, namely my dearest darling Dr. Obrecht.
Real talk, y’all: the list of things I love about Liesl Obrecht? LITERALLY EVERYTHING. And I don’t mean that in a bullshit “literally now means the opposite of what it actually means” way. I mean every single thing about the way she chooses to be brings me such unbelievable joy.
Like yesterday, when The Little Book of Liesl’s Life Lessons that — if there is a God — someone somewhere must be writing received several fine additions. Including classics like:
“Did your brain leave your body with the afterbirth?”
“[Ben] is no name for a baby. THAT IS A NAME FOR A RAT!”
And then she knocked out her daughter and stole a baby and seriously… she just completes me, you guys. She really does.