Well, this has certainly been an eventful week! I think it’s safe to say today featured one of the most moving visuals in recent memory. No, not Lulu tearfully collapsing in Dante’s arms after being forced to give up their baby. Don’t be silly.
This is something much more important:
SUPER CUTE HAIR ALERT
You guys! YOU GUYS. Do you realize how long I’ve been waiting for this day? Nine years. Nine freaking years for Rebecca Herbst to cut her hair.
(Some of you may be thinking that it’s a little sad for a person to be that invested in a stranger’s hairstyle. And to those people, I say: yes. Yes, it is.) (Also: shut up your face.)
Not only did Liz show up with adorable short hair today, but guess who’s not dead and still on the show after all? Oh, AJ. I missed your stupid face:
Of course, his return is sort of bittersweet, because it means we’re onto our second trial in a single week. (Poor Liz might be the only person in the world who finds soap trials even more tiresome than I do.)
Which brings us back around to the custody hearing. Like all soap trials, this was a mixture of implausible and ludicrous, with a dash of WTF thrown in for good measure. They started off so strong! Bringing Elizabeth in to dredge up the whole Lucky/drug mule/pillow baby thing? Perfect! Great use of history; sound legal tactic. But then it devolved super quickly into stupidity.
I mean, Alexis and Diane are both supposed to be good lawyers, right? So why would either of them think it was a solid idea to bring up things like Robin’s death or Lulu’s abortion in a way that could only make the person being questioned look sympathetic?
Especially when there were so many better ways to go. Like how Maxie conspired with a mobster to cover up a murder — getting someone else killed in the process — and then falsely confessed to the crime? Or how Lulu lost her mind for a little while after killing Logan and actually had to be institutionalized for a bit alongside her equally bonkers mother? Come on, people! This is rich material! Milk it for all it’s worth!
Thankfully, this moment at the end almost made up for all the preceding bullshit:
JUDGE AWESOME: Your actions have been nothing short of appalling from the moment you discovered that you had miscarried the Falconeris’ baby up to and including these proceedings. […] Ms. Jones showed a flagrant lack of ethical decision making. She allowed the Falconeris to believe the lie for so long when so much damage could have been avoided if she’d simply told the truth. I don’t believe a person demonstrating such a complete lack of judgement is qualified to raise a child.
Yes, it’s ridiculous that Maxie would be barred from even supervised visitation. But damn if it wasn’t satisfying to hear her reaping some concrete consequences for her colossally bad judgement and subsequent lack of empathy during this mess.
Meanwhile, Lulu and Dante were sort of imploding while also breaking my heart. Dante, as always, was President of Perfect Husband Mountain. And the whole perjury issue was stupid to begin with. But I’ll forgive a lot for this bit of dialog:
DANTE: I’m a cop. I couldn’t perjure myself.
LULU: You’ve given false testimony before. Sonny shot you at point blank range. You were an undercover officer in the line of duty. That is murder with special circumstances. Your father? Should be in prison for the rest of his life, but you perjured yourself to protect him. Why couldn’t you do the same for your wife?
That’s right, Lulu. Never forget. NEVER FORGET. Because Dante’s mother sure won’t remember for you!
(Although, I will say that it is super hard to keep up my usual level of indignation about anything Sonny-related when Maurice Bernard is making ridiculous faces at a baby.)
Elsewhere on the canvas, things have been picking up all over the place. Faison went from a joke to believable threat again! We got acknowledgement of Connie and Tracy’s beautiful friendship! Felix finally started to grasp the concept of a sperm donor! Anna and Robert rescued themselves using SCIENCE!
Also, this happened, and it was beautiful:
BRITT: It’s just this coming and going between the walls.
NIKOLAS: The catacombs, right?
BRITT: Yeah. No offense, but it reminds me of that movie — the People Under the Stairs?
NIKOLAS: Your father is one sick mother, you know that?
BRITT: My mother is one sick mother, too.
NIKOLAS: Don’t worry, you’re in good company. Most of my family is — or, at least was — demented.
Because everything is about me — and also The People Under the Stairs is my favorite horror movie of all time — I’m just going to take this entire sequence as one big shout out. Thanks, show.