So, last week! That was fun, huh?
I mean, sure, Felix referred to Robin as Patrick’s “babymama” and I might have almost reached through the television to strangle him. And yeah, maybe Sonny and Shawn spent just a little too much time casually discussing who to murder next.
But Jason Thompson’s never ending cry face! Sabrina fainting all over the place! Maxie getting slapped! It was pretty great.
Then there’s today. I just… what even was that episode?
PATRICK: If somebody would have told me I wouldn’t wrap my arms around Robin and take her home with me and never let her go if I ever saw her again, I would say that they’re absolutely crazy.
ME: YOU AND ME BOTH, BUDDY.
How hard do you think it was for Jason Thompson to get through that speech with a straight face? I mean, this is the man who has not only been playing Patrick as not over Robin in the slightest for the last two years, but who — just last week — literally paused for an ETERNITY with a pained look on his face when it came time to say “I do.”
And now, we’re supposed to believe he’s genuinely torn? Really?
So many beats of this just aren’t working for me. Robin comes back from the dead, gives only the vaguest of explanations for where she’s been and why, refuses to go home with him — and Patrick… just goes to work the next day? Spends his morning playing jealous cave man with Carlos?
I’m sorry, but… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Where is his urgency? Why isn’t he beating down Anna’s door demanding explanations and face time with this miracle come to life? I buy Patrick hating the thought of hurting Sabrina. I do not buy for a second that he wouldn’t drop her in a heartbeat for the love of his life, though. Just… no. I kind of wanted to punch him every time he opens his mouth today. PATRICK. THIS IS NOT EVEN A CHOICE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN? Ugh.
Meanwhile, something about Carlos is is suddenly starting to appeal to me.
I CAN’T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON IT
Up until now, I’ve liked the actor more than the character. Jeffrey Vincent Parise is charismatic as hell, but Carlos’ whole cocky, stalky, “I know what you want better than you do” schtick kind pushes every one of my buttons.
But then he got all wounded and desperate at the thought of her being hurt. And he started wandering around shirtless and handing out awesome hugs. And — most importantly of all — he apologized for being a cocky, stalky asshole:
SABRINA: I should have listened to you.
CARLOS: No, you shouldn’t have. I’m your ex. I came here trying to win you back. And you told me — you made it very clear — you weren’t interested, you met somebody else. And I kept right on going after you. I was being a jealous, possessive jerk.
SABRINA: You’re not a jealous, possessive jerk.
CARLOS: I can be. I have been.
That was pretty good for me. Team Carlos, y’all.
Naturally, our “heroes” are plotting his murder. How terrible are Sonny and Shawn? I know this isn’t exactly news to anyone, but still! Like, there’s the general terribleness of two dudes we’re supposed to like smugging it up over the thought of killing people. Which: gross. But typical.
But can we talk for a second about how utterly incompetent they are? First, they try to kill Franco in the freaking courthouse. And now they abduct a dude from his apartment and march him down to the public cemetery to have him dig his own grave in broad daylight? Say what you will about Jason, but he at least knew how to murder someone where no one might walk in on it.
It’s just embarrassing.
(And no, I’m not touching all the “Lily’s alive” speculation with a ten foot pole, because if I start to contemplate undoing Clink/Boom in the service of giving Sonny yet another freaking kid and Sabrina yet another totally unnecessary tie to the canvas, I will start rage puking and never stop. Refrain, RC. I know it’s hard for you, but please. Refrain.)
Oddly enough, the one story that didn’t piss me off today was the Franco/Heather stuff. Not because it was good. HAHAHAHA. Lord, no. That was completely terrible in every way.
But Franco murdering Heather is pretty much the last straw for me in terms of this gigantic turd of a character, and it’s actually kind of a relief. I’ve spent so much time being angry and baffled by everything to do with his resurrection, you know? And now: no more. I just don’t care.
If, after all the hoops they jumped through to “redeem” all his crimes with the most cavalier of story arcs, they now want to take him back to being a psychotic murderer? Fine. And if, after everything Franco did to everyone she loves, this effing murder cover up is supposed to be the big obstacle to his and Carly’s great “love”? WHATEVER.
I am done. Finished. Officially giving myself permission to fast forward this crap from now on.
p.s. If Heather freaking Webber is actually dead for good over this, I will straight up murder someone myself.