Gimme Some VD: “Fifty Shades of Grayson”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Prison break, vampire style! Also: Katherine cured Stefan’s PTSD with her magical vagina.

Everyone’s waking up with morning after regret! In Damon’s case, he discovers Elena gone, and proceeds to punch his way to freedom in about 15 minutes. I’m not trying to throw any shade on 50s Damon here, but… seriously? It took you five years to escape last time?

Katherine's walk of shame

Meanwhile, Katherine’s waking up happy beside Stefan. But then she finds some more of her hair falling out, completely freaks, and runs out to an emergency workout session with Cute!Matt. Because aerobics will stop your teeth from falling out? I don’t even know, you guys. At least it gives Cute!Matt an opportunity to do his cute thing, which includes calling Nadia in to deal with her suicidal mother’s ridiculous bullshit.

Damon stumbles home to Chez Salvatore with the news that Elena is missing and probably being subjected to horrifying medical experiments as we speak. He also bumps into Katherine on her way out, who waits about three seconds before spilling the beans about her tryst with Stefan, much to Damon’s hilarious disgust.

Damon disgusted

STAY CLASSY, KATHERINE

The Salvatore bros. track down Aaron to use as a hostage in exchange for Elena. Who, by the way, is being held in the remains of her father’s old practice — the same basement that burned during the Founder’s Day festivities way back at the end of season one.

She’s woozy from drugs and blood loss throughout the episode, bringing up hallucinations/memories of her father conducting similarly gruesome experiments down there when she was a child. Which kind of makes you wonder if any of the other Founder’s Council members were aware this stuff was going on. I can’t imagine Liz being down with it, for example.

Elena lab rat

We also learn that her dad treated her dead roommate with vampire blood as child, and that Enzo was the Augustine vampire who killed her when she went snooping for answers and got a little to close to his cell. So that answers that.

Speaking of Enzo, in response to Aaron’s call, Jerkface sends him off to meet with his old boyfriend, Damon. The catch is that he’s been poisoned and needs to return within a few hours for the antidote — so, of course, he spends most of that time grandstanding and dropping some pretty interminable exposition of things we already knew.

Suffice to say: Enzo’s not really Damon’s biggest fan. No one else really cares, with the exception of Stefan, who’s surprised to find out about Damon’s imprisonment and subsequent decades-long killing spree.

Aaron and Stefan

The latter drama bomb prompts him to let Aaron go, which, in turn, prompts Aaron to give him the info he needs to find Elena. So Stefan rescues her just in time to stop Jerkface from giving her an injection of his vampire virus.

Poor Jerkface. Not only does he lose his test subject, but Aaron shows up later to tell him he wants nothing to do with him. It’s hard being a mad scientist, y’all.

Meanwhile, Damon and Enzo’s confrontation culminates with Enzo collapsing from Jerkface’s poison. Luckily, for him, Damon still loves him feels guilty enough to bring him back to the lab and inject him with the antidote. He also finally confesses the whole emotions switch thing.

Enzo is unimpressed

ENZO REMAINS UNIMPRESSED

It’s all very tortured lovers done wrong and blah, blah Damon was the most important person in Enzo’s life and blah, blah he’s thought about him for sixty years. The fight ends with Enzo telling Damon he’ll always be a monster. Something Damon takes so much to heart that he marches home and breaks up with Elena for her own good. OH GOOD. You know how my favorite thing is always Damon making decisions for Elena.

Back in the B plot, Nadia has solution to Katherine’s problems: do the Traveler body possession spell. Only, Katherine is rather attached to her current body; more importantly, she thinks Stefan is. (Poor Nadia’s face when she realizes Katherine cares more about Stefan’s love and forgiveness than hers is pretty sad.)

We’re supposed to believe that Katherine looks terrible throughout this episode, by the way. But since she’s still basically Nina Dobrev with a few grey hairs, you know… good luck with that.

Katherine dying2

Later: Nadia and Cute!Matt bond over the selfishness of their respective dead beat moms. She’s leaving town — I’m guessing mostly because this show doesn’t have the budget to keep all of the secondary cast around at once, and Caroline, Jeremy and Bonnie are back next episode. But she does leave the magic, soul transferring Traveler knife in his keeping, in case Katherine changes her mind.

For her part, Katherine has a heart-to-heart with Stefan where he makes it clear that, all hot banging aside, 147 years of torment can’t just be forgotten overnight. But he’s sorry she’s dying. Which is just enough to make Katherine want to live after all. Even if it has to be in someone else’s body.

(Well, gee. If only there was some able-bodied, immortal, exact physical duplicate with whom Stefan happens to be in love. WOULDN’T THAT BE CONVENIENT?)

Katherine's heart attack

But she collapses on the stairs while making plans with Nadia, so I guess that’s the end of Katherine! (J/K, I’m sure she’ll be taking over Elena’s body while on death’s door next episode.)

Next time: everyone reminisces about their favorite time Katherine horribly betrayed them.

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