Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships.

KRISTINA & CONNIE: You have to live, Trey!
PATRICK: Sorry, he’s brain dead.
CONNIE: There has to be something we can do–
KRISTINA: Nope, pull the plug, he’s done.

KRISTINA: Trey’s suffering must end! How much longer can he stand this hell?
ALEXIS: Honey, it’s been an hour.
KRISTINA: OH, THE HUMANITY!

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CARLY: Johnny’s a baby-killing rapist and Todd’s a baby-swapping rapist. I sure can pick ’em.
AJ: Guess your baby daddy’s not looking so bad after all, huh?
CARLY: Oh, shut up and help me cut my hair.

LUKE: I’m back from Turkish prison, Slim. That was a rough two months. You ready to dump this chump?
DUKE: Two whole months? Wow. I can’t begin to imagine how you’ve suffered.
ANNA: Boy, yeah. However shall I choose?
LUKE: I’m sensing some sarcasm here.

TRACY: Ned, unless you can find a new heir, I’m going to lose ELQ!
NED: Mother, you know there’s nothing I love better than ruining my cousin’s life. But there are no other Quartermaine heirs–
CARLY: Did someone mention life-ruining and AJ in the same sentence? Because that’s kind of my thing.

MAXIE: What do you mean, I’m already pregnant? Is that even biologically possible? I mean, I miscarried literally an hour before I had sex.
BRITT: Listen, you people spent half of last year convinced you were going to have a dog-baby. Do you really want to argue with me about biology?
MAXIE: Touché.

PATRICK: Britt, as a pediatrician, you must be great with kids, right?
BRITT: You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
EMMA: You’re a mean lady.
BRITT: WELL, I HATE YOU AND YOU HAVE STUPID HAIR.
PATRICK: …I’ve made a huge mistake.

MAXIE: So the obvious thing to do would be telling Dante and Lulu the truth immediately.
BRITT: Oh, yes. That’s the only sane response to this situation.
MAXIE: Counter proposal: we do the opposite of that.
BRITT: Well, that would be incredibly unethical of me. But listen, you ruin a perfect stranger’s life and we’ll call it squarsies.
MAXIE: You’re like the best life coach ever.

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McBAIN: Hey, Sam. What’s going on?
SAM: Not much. Just waiting for Jason to send me a sign that he’s alive.
McBAIN: Damn it, woman, Jason is no more! He has ceased to be! HE IS AN EX-HIT MAN!
SAM: Fine, jeez. Why didn’t you just say so the first time?
McBAIN: Now, with all that drama that out of the way, maybe we can finally get to the hot sex–
LUCY: BACK, FOUL PRINCE OF DARKNESS!
AUDIENCE: …really?
RON CARLIVATI: You heard her.

LUCY: Allison’s dead and now you’re in terrible danger, Livvie!
SAM: Are you kidding me? We have to take Port Charles canon seriously now?
KEVIN: LOL, no. I never had a daughter. Nothing from Port Charles is true. Except for the parts that are. Understand?
AUDIENCE: Not… really. But, hey — as long as there’s a good reason for Lucy’s psychosis, we’ll be fine.
RON CARLIVATI: Um… awkward.

ANNA: John, I don’t want to believe you’re guilty, but what else can I do? The killer looked just like you!
McBAIN: If only we knew of some technology that could realistically mimic a person’s face — say, a mask so life-like a person could spend months making out with it without realizing it was really her arch-nemesis pretending to be the love of her life. You know, just as a hypothetical.
ANNA: I’m sensing some sarcasm here.

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LUCY: It was surprisingly easy to break out of that mental institution. Good thing I’m not really crazy.
HEATHER: Tell me about it. Well, it’s been fun, but I’ve got sons to stab and babies to kidnap. You know how it is.
LUCY: And I’ve got vampires to hunt!
TODD: I’m really not used to being the sanest person in the room.

CALEB: I am a creature of the night!
SAM: No, you’re not.
CALEB: No, for real. I’ve got these hair extensions and this super cool underground lair. And look at my fangs!
SAM: Those are clearly fake.
CALEB: Soon, my love, you will join me in darkness!
SAM: Are you… gnawing on me?

McBAIN: See, Lucy? He really wasn’t a vampire after all.
LUCY: Okay then. I guess I’m not crazy anymore. No more explanation needed.
AUDIENCE: But–but why did she and Allison share the same super specific delusion? And why did she think Kevin had a daughter who looked exactly like Sam? And why–
LUCY: I said no more explanation needed.
AUDIENCE: Son of a–
RON CARLIVATI: *whistles innocently*

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OLIVIA: Steve, now that we’re engaged, everything will be happiness forever–
STEVEN LARS: Well, I’ve been stabbed.
OLIVIA: Oh, my God!
STEVEN LARS: But it’s cool! Just a flesh wound. Let’s just get married right now and then happiness forever–
MEMPHIS PD: LOL NO.
OLIVIA: It’s fine, I’ll just wait for you and then happiness forever–
STEVEN LARS: Oh, just screw it.

FRISCO: Lady of my heart, I’m home! Wanna get married again?
FELICIA: Oh, dear God.
FRISCO: Mac. I see you’re working in a bar. That must be fulfilling.
MAC: Not as fulfilling as raising your kids.
FELICIA: Boy, yeah. However shall I choose?

LUKE: Laura!
LULU: Mom!
DANTE: Mother-in-law! Who I am definitely not meeting for the first time!
LAURA: Yes, I’m back! And look who I brought with me?
SCOTTY: Can’t talk now, hon. Too busy peeing a circle around you to mark my territory.

FRISCO: Maxie, can you ever forgive me for being such a deadbeat?
MAXIE: Sure, just agree to support all my stupid life decisions, no questions asked.
FRISCO: Sweetie, how stupid could your life decisions possibly be?
MAXIE: You have no idea.

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McBAIN: Well, Sam, with all that vampire business sorted out, maybe we can finally get to the hot sex–
PROSPECT PARK: Yeah, about that…
SAM: I am never getting laid again, am I?

SABRINA: The time has come to reveal my true feelings to Patrick.
PATRICK: Hey, who left this note in my locker saying they “like” like me?

RAFE: I’m a literal angel — every pre-teen girl’s dream, right?
MOLLY: 
I’ll say!
TJ: 
Wait, what?
TAYLOR: 
Don’t worry, TJ, I’ll comfort you!
RON CARLVIATI:
 What an exciting teen scene we’ve got here–
AUDIENCE: 
Nope. Don’t care.

KRISTINA: Hey, remember when I tried to kill Connie?
AUDIENCE: Not… really. We kind of fast forward through your scenes.
KRISTINA: Well, I’m doing my community service at a maximum security prison with Johnny! Isn’t that fun!
AUDIENCE: Please let there be a prison riot, please let there be a prison riot…
KRISTINA: Psych! Nothing’s going to happen at all. This entire plot was pointless!
AUDIENCE: …yay?

MOLLY: You stole my beautiful novel! And desecrated it with porn!
CONNIE: You don’t like porn? What kind of self-respecting teenager are you?
MOLLY: The kind who’s saving herself for an angel!
TJ: I am never getting laid again, am I?

KATE: I can’t believe you cheated on me, Sonny! You said you loved me!
CONNIE: You said you loved me!
SONNY: YOU ARE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON. OH MY GOD.

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AJ: I’ve finally won! ELQ is mine!
TRACY: No one destroys my father’s legacy but me! Someone call the SEC.
AJ: Can’t… breathe… need… sexy… nursing.
ELIZABETH: On it!

DUKE: AJ, you might not be able to understand this, but it is really hard to get a job when you’ve recently returned from the dead.
AJ: I might have an inkling. Do you have any experience running a company?
DUKE: Do you?
AJ: Touché. I’m making you vice president in charge of relish wrangling.

CARLY: Todd wants me back. So I need you to pretend we’re dating.
AJ: Or you could just tell him no?
CARLY: Hah, good one!
TODD: But I put a camera in your child’s toy to spy on you! How is that not romantic?
CARLY: See what I mean? Who could say no to that?

TRACY: Someone stole my relish!
ELLIE & STARR: We’re doing RELISH SCIENCE!
AJ: Only the relish can save us now!
TRACY: Relish, relish, relish!
MICHAEL: How is this my life?

AUDREY: Happy anniversary, my darling.
ELIZABETH: Aw, Grams.
ALAN’S GHOST: And I’m back for a visit!
EMILY’S GHOST: Me too!
RICK WEBBER’S GHOST: Me too!
AUDIENCE: *UGLY CRYING*

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JAX: Brenda, now that we’re engaged, everything will be happiness forever!
BRENDA: Hey, remember the last time we were engaged and there was a misunderstanding about Sonny and you left me at the altar?
JAX: Sure, why?
BRENDA: No reason. I’ve just got to go… do this thing. Yes. This thing. That I have to do. That in no way involves Sonny.

LUCY: Nurses’ Ball time!
FRISCO: ALLLLL IIIIII NEEEEEED!
SABRINA: I’m a pretty princess!
MICHAEL: I’m dancing in my underwear!
MAC & FELICIA: We’re engaged!
SAM: I became a professional dancer in an hour!
RICK SPRINGFIELD: I wish that I had Jesse’s girl!
MR. MARBLES: Just repress my existence.
RICHARD SIMMONS: Mine too.
AUDIENCE: Done.

BRITT: I thought an HIV gala in your dead wife’s honor would be the perfect time to announce we had unprotected sex at work.
OBRECHT: That’s my girl!
PATRICK: And somehow you thought this would make me hate you less?
SABRINA: But this was MY special day!

BRENDA: Hey, kid. Why so glum?
MICHAEL: My girlfriend dumped me over the phone and now I’m not even allowed to say her name or I’ll get sued. What about you?
BRENDA: Oh, I was engaged to your step-dad again, but I messed it up again by pining for your dad. Again. Which is clearly all your mother’s fault.
MICHAEL: Uh…
BRENDA: Wanna get drunk?

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NIKOLAS: I’m here! And I flew all the way from Greece to give you a warning about Lulu–
LUKE: Seriously? They don’t have phones in Greece?
NIKOLAS: Look, do you want to hear my dire warning or not?
LUKE: I’m just saying… it would have been nice to have it before she was kidnapped.
NIKOLAS: Probably would have been nice to have it before I got shot, too, huh?
LUKE: Damn it.

LUKE: We found the Haunted Star somewhere in the Atlantic!
LAURA: And there’s someone locked inside. Maybe another surprise vet! Who could it be — Lucky? Stefan?
ETHAN: G’day, mates!
AUDIENCE: Damn it.
ETHAN: Hey!

HELENA: At last, my revenge will be complete, Luke!
LUKE: Or I could just shoot you.
HELENA: Yeah, right.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, right.
LUKE: Psych! This time I totally did it!

LAURA: So, if Helena’s dead, who’s holding Lulu?
STAVROS: Heeeeere’s Stavros!
LUKE: Oh, come on. How many times do I have to kill you?
STAVROS: At least one more time. But you’ll never find Lulu–
DANTE: Found her! She’s totally a popsicle back here in the freezer.
STAVROS: MY ICE PRINCESS, NO!

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LULU: I don’t remember any of you people!
DANTE: It’s cool. We’ll just get you some therapy.
LULU: Or I could run off with the first guy I see and live with him forever?
MILO: I vote for option B!

SCOTTY: Laura, you keep finding stupid reasons to put off our wedding.
LAURA: My daughter was kidnapped!
SCOTTY: I’m starting to doubt your commitment to this relationship.
LAURA: And now she has amnesia!
SCOTTY: Excuses, excuses…

NIKOLAS: Hey, Elizabeth, remember when I said our entire affair was about my grief over Emily? Well, forget all that. I’m obsessed with you again and always have been.
AJ: Hey, Elizabeth, remember how I make ridiculously bad decisions due to my poor self-esteem?
ELIZABETH: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
CARLY: Don’t mind me. I’m just putting my underwear back on and then we’re never speaking of this again.
MONICA: Awkward.

RON CARLIVATI: I’m not quite sure how to resolve this relish wars story…
AUDIENCE: You could have Tracy and AJ call a truce and realize they need to work together to save ELQ?
ABC: No one wants to see that. What people want is The Chew.
AUDIENCE: We really don’t.
ABC: Love The Chew, damn it! LOVE IT!

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MICHAEL: Morgan! You’re being chased by the mob. Why didn’t you call for help?
MORGAN: Chill out, Mikey. I can handle everything on my own. Only, I’m gonna need to borrow $50,000. And your credit card. And move into your apartment. And have sex in your bed.
MICHAEL: Yeah, that’s… not really going to work for me.
KIKI: You were right, Morgan. Your brother is such a killjoy.

SAM: Funny story: you look just like this cop whose name I’m no longer allowed to mention or I’ll get sued. Also this psychotic, serial killing vampire wannabe I used to know.
SILAS: You obviously have me confused with my identical non-twin brother, about whom I have no curiosity. Please leave.
SAM: Well, he’s dead.
SILAS: Why are you telling me this?
SAM: And you have a nephew. Who’s now an orphan.
SILAS: I literally could not care less about anything coming out of your mouth right now.

FRANCO: Guess who?
EVERYONE: Uh…
FRANCO: It’s me! Franco! Don’t you recognize me?
SAM: There’s something different about your face.
MICHAEL: And your hair. I’m sure your hair wasn’t always this stupid.
ELIZABETH: Did you get taller?
FRANCO: Fine, whatever. The point is I’m alive! And I didn’t really do all those horrible things you think I did!
SAM: So you didn’t lock me in a box with a bomb?
ELIZABETH: And you didn’t kidnap my baby?
CARLY: And you didn’t kill all those people?
MAXIE: And you didn’t inflict “Francophrenia” on us all?
FRANCO: Okay, fine. I did all that. But I didn’t rape anyone. See? Good person!
SAM: So you just let me spend a year thinking you’d raped me?
MICHAEL: And you just got me raped and then gloated about it afterward?
FRANCO: Well, when you put it that way, it does sound kind of bad.
AJ: WAIT, WHAT?

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FRANCO: Kiki… I am your father.
KIKI: Mom, you told me my father was dead!
AVA: Yeah, about that… not so much. But I had a really good reason for lying!
FRANCO & KIKI: WHAT?
AVA: Wouldn’t you like to know!

CARLY: I guess Jason was as incompetent as all your other thugs. So now we have to kill Franco ourselves.
SONNY: This is a big day for you, Shawn. A hit man’s first kill is a special moment. We’ll have a little graduation ceremony later.
SHAWN: Gee, thanks, boss. It means a lot to me to have such a supportive work environment. I’ll do my best to make you proud.
OLIVIA: *gurgles*
SHAWN: Damn it!

SONNY: Olivia is my baby mama. By the sacred rules of the Corinthos Code, if she dies because of you, I must kill you.
CARLY: But I’m your baby mama too!
SONNY: Section 4, Paragraph C: “In cases of conflicting baby mama drama, thou shalt give priority to the one you banged first.”
CARLY: Damn that code!

SHAWN: Good news! Someone else shot Olivia! I’m innocent by virtue of complete incompetence!
SONNY: You really are a perfect fit for this organization.
MAX: I’ll say.
ALEXIS: I think we should see other people.

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LUCY: Now that I’m back at my normal levels of wackiness again, it’s time to bring back Deception!
LAURA: Sure, why not? It would be nice to have a plot that wasn’t about my love life for once.
AUDIENCE: Yay!
RON CARLIVATI: Psych! This plot is actually going nowhere.
AUDIENCE: Damn it!

BRITT: Well, I’ve impregnated myself with someone else’s child and become roommates with two student nurses who hate my guts. And Patrick still hates me. I don’t understand why this plan isn’t working! It’s almost like my only relationship model is a family of dysfunctional super villains.
NIKOLAS: Dude, I know that feel.

SABRINA: I can’t believe I’m finally going to do it with Dr. Drake!
PATRICK: Please call me Patrick when we’re in the bedroom. Also, please tell me you’re not a virgin.
SABRINA: What? No. Why would you think that?
PATRICK: Well, for one thing, you call sex “doing it.” Also, you’re clearly barely 20–
SABRINA: I’m 27! Wait, you thought you were dating a teenager all this time?
PATRICK: Awkward.

SILAS: I changed my mind. I really think my nephew should live with a man who looks exactly like his mother’s murderer.
SAM: What.
SILAS: Also, I’m moving here because all your doctors are incompetent.
SAM: WHAT.
SILAS: And your kid has cancer. Later!
SAM: Hate. You. So. Much.

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CONNIE: I’m finally integrated! Which means I’m also finally mentally healthy enough to know you’re a complete train wreck.
SONNY: Damn it.
CONNIE: Now, I know this will be hard for you to accept, Sonny–
SONNY: No, it’s cool. I got a back up Falconeri. Yo, Olivia!

KIKI: I hate you.
MICHAEL: I hate you too.
KIKI: I hate you more.
MICHAEL: I WAS RAPED!
KIKI: I’m in love.

MORGAN: You were raped in prison? That’s so terrible–
MICHAEL: Now, Morgan, you don’t have to worry about me.
MORGAN: –so terrible for me. How could you do this to me, Mikey?
CARLY: You’re the worst.

MICHAEL: Kiki, we can’t be around each other any more.
KIKI: Because I’m engaged to your brother?
MICHAEL: What? No, who cares about that? It’s because we are… Les Cousins Dangereux.
KIKI: Oh, right. That.

MORGAN: My girlfriend’s in love with my brother. For some reason, this isn’t a turn off for me.
SONNY: Son, I feel like we need to have a talk about your self-esteem.
MORGAN: Obviously, the only thing to do is let her keep believing her father is a serial killer until I can trap us both in a loveless marriage forever.
SONNY: Are you sure you wouldn’t rather throw barware and call her a betraying whore? It’s always worked really well for me.
MORGAN: PROVE THAT YOU LOVE ME BY ENABLING MY STUPID LIFE DECISIONS.

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JULIAN: Bring me one story about local boardroom politics that will raise this paper’s circulation forever or you’re fired.
CONNIE: You do realize I’m not a reporter, right? I mean, we actually pay professionals to do this stuff.
JULIAN: BRING ME ONE STORY!
CONNIE: THAT’S NOT HOW PUBLISHING WORKS!

SILAS: Kiki… I am your father.
KIKI: Mom, you told me my father was Franco!
AVA: Yeah, about that… not so much. But I had a really good reason for lying!
SILAS & KIKI: WHAT?
AVA: Wouldn’t you like to know!

AJ: Finally, everything’s going my way! Nothing can stop AJ Quartermaine now!
TRACY: Ava lied — Kiki’s not really a Quartermaine! And I’ve exposed her lie for the sole purpose of ruining your life!
AJ: Damn that Connie! This is obviously all her fault!

SONNY: Connie, you’ve been shot! What should I do?
CONNIE: Call 911? Put pressure on the wound? Ask me who did it?
SONNY: No, let’s just sit and talk about all the ways you’ve wronged me until you’re too weak to do anything but write a misleading message in your own blood. That seems best.

MICHAEL: Are you okay, dad?
SONNY: Totally fine, son. Just getting ready for my ghost wedding here.
OLIVIA: It’s just that Connie died yesterday and you seem really chipper.
SONNY: Nope, nothing to worry about. Definitely taking my meds. Say, how about a party? I feel like a party!

AVA: I can’t believe the man I love is still holding a grudge over a pesky little thing like keeping his child from him for 20 years!
MORGAN: I can’t believe the girl I love is holding a grudge over a pesky little thing like lying to her about her paternity!
AVA: Your abs really get me, Morgan.
MORGAN: Your boobs really get me, Ava.
KIKI: WHAT.

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PATRICK: Great news! Franco’s a match for Danny!
SAM: Does this mean I have to forgive him for that whole rape thing?
PATRICK: No, but you do have to forgive him because he has a brain tumor and nothing he’s ever done is really his fault. Also, he can’t donate because of that. So this is really all just bad news.
SAM: Damn it!

FRANCO: My tumor is making me think I’m Jason.
CARLY: I know I tried to kill you last week, but I’m suddenly finding you unbelievably attractive.

SAM: Something seems different about you, Dr. Clay.
SILAS: Do you mean the way I went from an inhuman dickbag to an easy-going, wise-cracking McBain in scrubs?
SAM: Don’t say that name! You want to get sued?

SAM: Okay, mom. It’s been seven years. Don’t you think it’s time you told me who my father is?
ALEXIS: Can’t we just go on pretending you were an alien clone baby? That was working so well for us.
JULIAN: On an unrelated note, looks like I’m a perfect match for Danny! What are the odds?

SAM: It’s weird. We barely know Derek, but I feel really close to him already.
ALEXIS: I’d like to feel close to his abs, if you know what I mean.
SAM: What’s that, mom?
ALEXIS: Nothing!

JULIAN: Ava, I’ve called you here to remind you again that we really have to keep our relationship secret.
AVA: I agree. Let’s meet in public again tomorrow to discuss it some more.

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HELENA: SURRPISE! I’ve poisoned you from beyond the grave. I’m just that good.
LUKE: I don’t know whether to be angry or impressed.
HELENA: The only way to save yourself is to follow a complex set of clues that will tie together multiple story lines dating back years.
SEAN DONELY: And bring me back to the canvas!
LUKE: Okay, now I’m impressed.
LAURA: Honey, you don’t mind if I go on one more globe-trotting adventure with Luke, right?
SCOTTY: I think we should see other people.

ROBIN: Can I go home yet?
JERRY: No.
ROBIN: How about now?
JERRY: No.
ROBIN: How about now?
JERRY: No! Wait until sweeps, damn it!

LUKE: Well, my angel couldn’t help me, and neither could English or Slim. Guess I’m gonna die here on Cassadine Island after all.
TRACY: Action Spanky to the rescue!
JERRY: Seriously? Does this place have any security at all?
LUKE: Tracy, when we get out of here, I’m finally going to give you the whole enchilada.
TRACY: I swear to God, Luke, if that’s some weird sex thing…
LUKE: No! That’s me being romantic!

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SPINELLI: Maxie, how could you not tell me you were carrying our baby?
MAXIE: Well, how was I supposed to know letting my best friends secretly raise my child would be painful and hard?
GEORGIE’S GHOST: It’s like I’m talking to myself sometimes.

DANTE: Spinelli, you’ve got to be our daughter’s Godfather. There’s no one else!
SPINELLI: Um.
NIKOLAS: Um.
DANTE: No one else, I said! The laws of contrivance demand it!

FELIX: Brad, I can’t be with you because you won’t take responsibility for your kid.
BRAD: That’s why? I mean, I’m abusive toward my employees and I frequently attempt to blackmail people into having sex with me. But the baby thing is what bothers you?
FELIX: I really don’t understand the concept of a sperm donor. Just go with it.
BRAD: Fine. What if I reveal a secret that costs me nothing, but will ruin the lives of four strangers? Will that prove I’m a good person?
FELIX: Absolutely!

LULU: Maxie, how could you do this to us?
MAXIE: Look, I promise she’s still your baby. I would never take her away from you! Never ever ever!
DANTE: Really?
MAXIE: No, not really. Give me that baby.

ALEXIS: Your client stole drugs to make a married man sleep with her, faked a pregnancy, made a deal with a mobster, falsely confessed to murder, and then set this whole baby mess in motion with her spectacularly bad judgment.
DIANE: Yeah? Well your client had an abortion!
ALEXIS: Really? That’s what you’re going with?
DIANE: I know. It’s amazing I’m still going to win this, huh?

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ROBERT: Well, that was a relaxing year-long coma. Now who’s ready for some adventuring?
ANNA: Not so fast. I can’t just take your word for it that Robin’s alive. I need someone whose word I can trust. Like Faison!

OBRECHT: Schatzi, it is finally time for us to make love.
FAISON: Ugh. Fine. I just need you to wear this one special thing for me.
OBRECHT: Is it something sexy?
FAISON: Super sexy. I hope you like latex. And speaking with an English accent.
OBRECHT: I think we should see other people.

JERRY: There’s no escape, Robin! And no one will ever find you here!
NIKOLAS: HOLY FREAKING CRAP.
ROBIN: HOLY FREAKING CRAP.
JERRY: Oh, for crying out loud. What am I even paying you people for?

JERRY: Go back to Port Charles and get me my cure, or I’ll kill your parents.
ROBIN: Damn. With all your guards watching over us, I’ll have to comply.
JERRY: Oh, I’m not sending any guards with you.
ROBIN: You’re not?
JERRY: No, this is more of an honor system thing. I mean, I’ll send Faison and Obrecht, but let’s be honest, you outnumber them and he’s in love with your mother.
OBRECHT: Plus, we’re not going to watch you very closely. You’ll have ample opportunity to wander off and alert the WSB or see your family.
ROBIN: So… why are we going along with this?
NIKOLAS: Honor system, Robin! Come on!

despair-divider

FRANCO: Without my craziness, I can’t make my brilliant art any more!
CARLY: You mean those stupid graffiti tags you used to leave on everything? Oh, yeah. That’s a real loss to the world.
HEATHER: On a completely unrelated note, I broke out of the loony bin to share my art with you!
AUDIENCE: Oh, this can’t be going anywhere good.

CARLOS: Sabrrrrina, my love! I’ve come back for you!
SABRINA: Carrrrlos! It’s too late for us! I love another!
PATRICK: Wait, that’s your ex-boyfriend? Is he, like, fifty?
CARLOS: You’re not good enough for my Sabrina!
PATRICK: Seriously, how old are you? Was she 12 when you two dated?

JULIAN: Morgan knows our secret? But how? We just had ten meetings to talk about not being seen with each other!
MORGAN: Hey, don’t worry about it. Team Jerome!
AVA: Now, Morgan honey, I know it must be killing you to go against your father–
MORGAN: Nah. Did I tell you how he offered my brother a job? Let’s kill him.
JULIAN: Wow. You really are the worst.

HEATHER: Never fear, mother’s here!
FRANCO: What.
SCOTTY: What.
HEATHER: Oh, please. Like it makes more sense for Alan Quartermaine to have a psychotic serial killer son than you and me.
LOGAN’S GHOST: She makes a solid point.
AUDIENCE: At least this means Franco’s story will finally be getting to know his family instead of just panting after Carly.
RON CARLIVATI: Awkward.

despair-divider

JULIAN: All right, you’ve got me. I’m really Julian Jerome.
SAM: WHAT
ALEXIS: WHAT.
JULIAN: But you can’t kill me, or Danny loses his donor.
SONNY: Aw, man. But I really want to!
SAM: No, Sonny.
SONNY: But–
SAM: No!

MORGAN: You betrayed me!
SONNY: You betrayed me!
MORGAN: Betrayal, betrayal betrayal–
SONNY: BETRAAAAAAYAL!
JULIAN: So is he going to kill me or what?
ALEXIS: You should probably remind him. They could go on like this for hours.

JULIAN: Be honest, Alexis. You’d still hit this.
ALEXIS: If you mean literally, then yes. I owe you a slap or two.
JULIAN: Oh, come on. We’ve got mad chemistry.
AUDIENCE: Does this mean this story is finally going somewhere?
ABC: LOL NO.

AVA: Silas will only hurt you with his terrible secret.
SAM: Okay, fine. What’s his terrible secret?
AVA: Wouldn’t you like to know?
SAM: Do you ever give a straight answer about anything?

CARLY: Franco, I know you threatened my infant daughter, got my son raped in prison, tied my cousin to a bomb, and stalked my best friend. But you really remind me of this other asshole I dated whose name I can no longer mention or I’ll get sued. If only there was a meaningless gesture you could make that would allow me to bang you without guilt!
KIKI: Michael’s drowning!
FRANCO: On it!

despair-divider

ANNA: How long have we been locked in this room now?
ROBERT: Maybe a week? Maybe a month? It’s really hard to tell sometimes.
ANNA: About ready to MacGyver our way out?
ROBERT: Well, it does feel like sweeps, doesn’t it?

PATRICK: Robin, you’re alive! How? Why?
ROBIN: That’s not important.
PATRICK: Well, it kind of is.
ROBIN: No, trust me. You’re really not interested in the details.
PATRICK: But who took you? Are they still a danger? What about your HIV? What have you been doing all this time?
ROBIN: Nope. You don’t care about any of that. Just go to work like nothing unusual has happened.

MAXIE: That judge thinks I’m too impulsive to make good decisions for my baby? Well, I’ll show him! He’ll see what a good mom I am when I’m dead!
GEORGIE’S GHOST: Whatever. I give up.

SABRINA: This can’t be happening! Not after everything Patrick and I have been through to be together!
ROBIN: Did you get through an HIV scare? Were you held hostage and shot in the stomach? Forced by a madman to break up with him and fake an affair? Did you survive an accidental high risk pregnancy and devastating postpartum depression? Were you stalked by a psychotic ex-girlfriend–
SABRINA: Oh! We did have that last one!
ROBIN: –who burned your house down, kidnapped your daughter, threw you down a well, shot up the hospital, killed a bunch of people, and tried to infect your husband with a deadly disease?
SABRINA: She almost made me fail an exam one time? Oh! And I had to buy Frizz-Ease! It was terrible!
ROBIN: No, you’re right. That’s clearly worse.
SABRINA: I’m sensing some sarcasm here.

despair-divider

ELLIE: Damian, did you know the dream of the 90s is alive in Portland?
SPINELLI: Sounds like the Jackal’s kind of town.
ELLIE: Good, because we’re moving there in two hours.
SPINELLI: Wait, what?

SONNY: Rivera, eh? You’re not related to Lily Rivera, by any chance?
CARLOS: If I say no, will you kill me?
SONNY: Definitely.
CARLOS: Then yes, we’re related.
SONNY: I’m never going to get to kill anyone ever again, am I?

KEVIN: So, let me get this straight. Your psychotic mother repeatedly broke out of a mental institution to threaten your girlfriend. And rather than warning the woman you love or calling the police, you decided to just knife your mom to death and bury the body in a conveniently open grave?
FRANCO: Right.
KEVIN: Seems sane to me. Off you go.

BRITT: Nikolas, you know how I said Patrick was Ben’s father and that turned out to be a total lie? And then I said Brad was the father? Funny story: that was a total lie too.
NIKOLAS: What?! But that baby looks so Asian!
DANTE & LULU: On an unrelated note, where the hell are our embryos?
BRAD: Ellie did it!
ELLIE: Typical.

despair-divider

TAYLOR: Hey, guess what? We’re still alive!
RAFE: And we’re still in the middle of wacky teenage shenanigans–
AUDIENCE: Nope. Still don’t care.

ANNA: Okay, who shot Max?
SONNY: Me, it was me! Totally me! I was cleaning my gun and accidentally shot it 100 times. So clumsy. You should take me to jail now.
MICHAEL: So… Morgan?
DANTE: Morgan.
OLIVIA: Obviously Morgan.
MAX: The irony is if he’d just said I’d shot myself by accident, no one would have questioned it.

PATRICK: I just don’t know what to do, Sam! I mean, I know I mourned Robin for two years straight, only took my wedding ring off a month ago, and looked like I was going to throw up while saying my vows to another woman. But does that mean I should choose her?
SAM: I am going to slap you so hard, I swear.
AUDIENCE: Get in line.

AVA: Silas, our terrible secret is finally coming back to haunt us.
SILAS: Wait, suddenly I know what the terrible secret is? Since when?
AVA: Wouldn’t you like to–
SILAS: Oh, shut up.

SABRINA: Well, Patrick chose the love of his life.
FELIX: Who could have seen this coming?
SABRINA: And now I’m not feeling so great–
FELIX: Pregnant!
SABRINA: What? No.
FELIX: PREGNANT!
SABRINA: You know every time a woman throws up, that doesn’t mean–
FELIX: PREGNANT PREGNANT PREGNANT PREGNANT–
AUDIENCE: Seriously?

despair-divider

And that’s 2013 in Port Charles! A bit bumpy, but still miles better than where we were just a few short years ago. So happy New Year, everyone! May 2014 bring less baby drama (yes, yes… wishful thinking) and more love in the afternoon. 

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26 thoughts on “Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

  1. Your rundown made me happy. I left GH when RC and FV came. Because they ruined OLTL and figured it would be the same for GH.

    Glad I was right and am not missing a thing. No regrets and looks like no regrets in 2014!

    • Would you really prefer that GH no longer exist? I mean, to each his own taste, but if Ron and Frank hadn’t come, GH would be off the air. I don’t like everything they do, but I understand that they have to play to many different audience preferences; and unlike Guza, they seem to love soaps in general and this show in particular. Lord knows I am so grateful to them for rescuing the show from oblivion and thus allowing us to continue to love/hate/snark about it and of course continue to read tenillypo’s witty and wonderful blog.

      • I think Ron loves what he thinks is soap: campy stuff. That said, liking camp is better than outright hating the genre like Guza did, although to be honest I find Guza/Ron the same in terms of quality. Some stuff I like under Ron better and vice versa. Glad Garin Wolf isn’t here anymore though. He was mind-blowingly awful.

        • I think Ron loves more than just camp, although he certainly has a fondness for it. IMO, what distinguishes him from Guza most of all his better sense of balance. He tells so many more umbrella stories and multi-generational stories, and he is way better at rotating different characters in and out of focus.

          Also, you know… he doesn’t seem to despise older women or anything that happened pre-2000. So there’s that.

          • He’s definitely much better at showcasing everyone. I miss the old dialogue writers (I think that was their biggest mistake actually – they all but two of the the scriptwriters, and one of those two, Kate Hall, was only there for a couple of months before Cartini) and I was watching a rerun from 2011 last week on SoapNet (sob!) and I miss the dialogue and the editing from then (scenes now are so quick) but in the episode Abby was saved from her ev0l ex by Jason and it reinforced how just everything was about Jason. Guza’s Jason obsession just drained the show, in what were otherwise good episodes.

            I do think pacing is pretty bad though. They need to find a better way to integrate instead of “three weeks off/three weeks on”, although it is waaay better than constant focus on 1 character.

          • I don’t see that much balance. It’s clumsy cycling in and out. His pets, like the OLTL group, still manage to keep sucking up airtime in spite of general fan unpopularity.

            I also don’t see any interest in older women. None of them have any storylines, unless Alexis clucking over her ex or Tracy obsessing over her semi-ex count.

            Ron brought back some characters I liked, so I appreciate that, but the show’s misogyny, poor storytelling, lack of romance, glib attitude toward rape, lack of followthrough, and shockingly bad casting and writing for new characters – they all drag the show down.

    • To be clear, I am teasing with great love here. I don’t agree (obviously) with every choice RC and FV make, but IMO the show was well and truly ruined before they came on board, and the improvements they’ve made have turned it back into a real soap again.

      So by all means, don’t watch if you don’t enjoy it. But please don’t take this post as an indication that I think the show is terrible or hate RC. I don’t. I’m grateful that I can no longer in good conscience call this a year of suck.

  2. “ROBIN: Did you get through an HIV scare? Were you held hostage and shot in the stomach? Forced by a madman to break up with him and fake an affair? Did you survive an accidental high risk pregnancy and devastating postpartum depression? Were you stalked by a psychotic ex-girlfriend–
    SABRINA: Oh! We did have that last one!
    ROBIN: –who burned your house down, kidnapped your daughter, threw you down a well, shot up the hospital, killed a bunch of people, and tried to infect your husband with a deadly disease?
    SABRINA: She almost made me fail an exam one time? Oh! And I had to buy Frizz-Ease! It was terrible!”

    Oh my god, THANK. YOU.

  3. Oh my goodness, I am dead from laughter! It still all sounds 200% better than back in the Guza days, but not perfect by any stretch. Thanks for catching me up so succinctly :P I’ve only caught the show over the last several weeks, but I’m going to try to watch more frequently in 2014. Disclaimer: I reserve the right to skip episodes if the phrase “Sonny discusses his angst about ___ with ___” appears anywhere within the episode description because I still can’t with him. I caught a bit of his Christmas jailhouse banter with Obrecht and it seems that there’s been absolutely no character growth within him in the 1.5+ years since I last watched religiously. I have no idea how Maurice can still stand it.
    P.S. I’m not digging anything about the current Lulu. Not just because I preferred Julie B’s portrayal – I’m also not seeing the current actress’ chemistry with Domenic Z and that makes me sad, because Dante and Lulu was one of my fave pairings.

    • Sonny is truly awful right now, but to be fair (LOL) I think we’re supposed to find him terrible right now? At least, we’re certainly supposed to find Carlos and the Jeromes also sympathetic? And this recent plot is the first time the mob has been front and center for a long time. There was a hint of character growth for him during Connie’s split personality story, but then he jumped over to Olivia and started trying to kill people all over the place, so… Sonny is still the worst, pretty much.

  4. I like what Ron and Frank have done with GH, is the show perfect no but it’s better then what Bob was doing to it.

  5. RC/FV both love the soap opera genre, but RC tends to go overboard and FV needs to reign him in. OLTL never had a huge pacing problem, and I tend to believe it’s because RC is reliving his childhood of watching GH during the ’80s and wants to create his own version of those stories, which is why we saw Emma running to Robin versus Robin running to Anna when she was a child.

    • I think you’ve actually made me realize what bothers me about the show sometimes — the whole love for the 80s over the top stuff, the adventures and the camp. Like Ron, I loved that stuff as a teenager — Robert and Holly are still one of my all-time favorite GH couples, and the Ice Princess stuff was my introduction to GH — but I adored even more Claire Labine’s and Wendy Riche’s more grounded, family- and hospital-oriented GH (all the wonderful stuff that Tony Geary apparently despised). And so when Ron does those umbrella and/or multi-generational storylines, that feels much more like real GH to me.

      • The show was actually more grounded in the 80s than it is now. Characters like Audrey, Steve, even rarely seen Jessie, helped remind that it wasn’t all crazy wacky spy hijinks.

        Today, nothing is grounded. There are no real families, no matriarchs or patriarchs, nothing. It’s a disconnected, empty canvas.

  6. That sums up the year nicely!

    I don’t see much difference between RC and Guza. RC writes better plot points, but they’re still plot points, just more entertaining. Guza’s pets were replaced with RC’s pets and too many newbies. The show is slightly more balanced and some vets have returned. Too many characters are disconnected and the pacing is atrocious. I’m glad the show is getting better ratings and is still on the air, I don’t wish anyone to lose their job.

    That being said, I hate how RC has trashed AJ again, for no good reason.

    • IDK, to me, there’s just no comparison between RC’s GH and Guza’s. None. When you talk about Guza’s pets, you’re talking primarily about the same 3-4 characters who literally dominated the canvas for a decade. There’s nothing close to that imbalance happening now with anyone.

      And talk about disconnect! Those same 3-4 characters basically cycled through the same story over and over again for those ten years, while every other character was off in their own bubble. Family members on the canvas didn’t talk to each other about major life events; people who left the show were never mentioned again. Friendships hardly existed. There was zero effort made to interweave storylines, and God help you if you were a smart and/or older woman, because all your stories would exist to humiliate you.

      There was almost nothing I enjoyed about the show in those years. I hate watched out of spite because I didn’t want to let them drive me away. Some things annoy me now, yes. But if I don’t like one story, I at least know it won’t last forever. (I also don’t think AJ’s been trashed at all — the opposite, actually. The audience knows he’s innocent; we’re meant to sympathize and root for him to be exonerated and get his life back. And I think he will.)

  7. That was really funny. My favourite is:
    SONNY: Olivia is my baby mama. By the sacred rules of the Corinthos Code, if she dies because of you, I must kill you.
    CARLY: But I’m your baby mama too!
    SONNY: Section 4, Paragraph C: “In cases of conflicting baby mama drama, thou shalt give priority to the one you banged first.”
    CARLY: Damn that code!

    LOL

    I agree, the show is better balanced under FV/RC, and I hope you’re right about AJ straightening out his life. Guza went so far overboard trashing the character, that I ended up hating Sonny and Jason all the more, even though I didn’t have much use for AJ.

  8. Spectacular update! So many little things I had forgotten too. In the 2014 recap please remember that Morgan said “I suck at fire arms! It was my worst class in military school!” bc that’s gonna be my fave line all year.

  9. Tennillypo, I hope you don’t mind, but this was too good not to share. ;) I linked this page to my website, along with your masthead, and sent out a tweet or two. If you prefer me to remove the post, just let me know and I will do so immediately. At any rate, great work. You made me laugh so hard I frightened my dog.

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