Gimme Some VD: “No Exit”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Damon was an even bigger asshole than usual. (I know it’s hard to believe.)

Damon and Enzo have taken their murder road trip through farm country, and are now creating baby vampires every eight hours for Damon to eat. Blah blah, Damon wants Enzo to leave him, blah blah Enzo doesn’t abandon his friends. But it’s a moot point when Professor Jerkface and his Traveler jam band show up and trap them together to see how long Damon is able to hold off feeding on his “best friend.”

Damon and Enzo3

YOU KNOW, FOR SCIENCE

(Damon’s expression clearly reads, “Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about, dude. My best friend is a snarky ghost.”)

Meanwhile, Stefan and Katherine are heading off on a road trip of their own to track Damon down. But they’re forced to stop for the night when Katherine sabotages Stefan’s ADORABLE classic red car. Not cool, Katherine.

Stefan thinks it’s odd that “Elena” is ready to write Damon off just for a pesky little thing like almost killing her brother — especially when she’s forgiven him for actually killing Jeremy in the past. Which honestly says so much more about what’s wrong with this show and Elena as a character than any snarking I could do, so I’ll just leave it there and let you all draw your own conclusions.

Katherine and Stefan roadtrip

At the farmhouse of the damned, Enzo calls Stefan for help against Damon’s wishes. I’m probably meant to be touched by Damon’s worry that he’ll kill Stefan and Elena if they show up, but I’m just done with Damon right now, you guys. WHATEVER, SHOW. YOU BURNED THAT BRIDGE.

In any case, Enzo reaches “Elena” instead of Stefan, and she’s in no rush to save them. Meanwhile, Jerkface, getting tired of waiting, shoots Enzo to bring out Damon’s blood lust… and then uses more Traveler magic to stop Damon from killing him. They take off with Enzo — presumably to infect him and set him loose as well — and leave Damon trapped in the house.

Back at the hotel, Katherine kicks her seduction attempts into high gear and manages to get a little hot and heavy for a moment before Stefan breaks it off.

Katherine and Stefan roadtrip2

Encouraged, she hatches a plan to force Stefan to choose between her and Damon. And she does it in a pretty “Elena” way, I have to say: after leading Stefan to the location Enzo gave her, she goes inside despite Damon’s frantic warnings, trapping herself and cutting her arm to show him he’s not a lost cause and can fight the craving. Which is totally something stupid enough for Elena to have done.

But of course, he can’t. And when he attacks her, she kicks Stefan a stake. Except dear old Stefan would rather sacrifice himself than stake his brother, so he cuts his own arm to lure Damon off Katherine. And then snaps his neck. Didn’t really think that one through, did you, Kathy?

Cannibal Damon

They take him back to the Chez Salvatore dungeon, where Stefan gives one of his patented pep talks and Damon gives one of his patented pity party whines. But he also does point out that “Elena” was obviously trying to get him killed. Stefan makes a constipated face to show he’s troubled.

Meanwhile, back in the B plot: Nadia’s been busy waiting for the vervain to leave Cute!Matt’s system. It’s been two days, and Tyler’s starting to get suspicious — even going so far as to recruit Caroline for help. Katherine orders Nadia to just kill him, but it is a proven fact everyone loves old Matty Blue Eyes way too much to ever off him.

Cute!Matt

I MEAN, REALLY. LOOK AT THAT PUPPY FACE.

So instead she just hatches a scheme to lie their asses off to Tyler and Caroline about how they’ve just spent the past few days in Atlantic City. Caroline is suspicious, but Tyler points out that this is hardly the first time Matt’s taken off with a hot vampire chick who tried to kill him the week before. (That’s… tough but fair.)

Cute!Matt gives Nadia some realness about how Katherine will never put her first, and then turns his blue-eyed charm up to eleven. When she falls for it, he uses his superior make out skills to text Caroline for help while sucking face. Because: duh. He would never  just abandon Elena. Oh, Matt.

Nadia stops him before he can give more than a vague warning, and compels him to forget. But before she can get away, Tyler takes a bite out of her. (Katherine’s face when she finds out is the first sign of care she’s shown for anyone but herself for a while.)

Tyler and Caroline fight

After Nadia runs off, Tyler apologizes for losing his temper and wolfing out the other night. But when Caroline takes that as a sign they’re on the road to reconciliation, he makes it clear that sleeping with the dude who killed his mom is still kind of a deal breaker for him. Caroline is finally forced to accept that things might not get back to “normal” between them any time soon.

Um, yeah. Gotta say… still team Tyler on this one.

So she heads over to Chez Salvatore for nightcaps and a BFF pow wow with Stefan about their various crappy days. They quickly put two and two together from Matt’s text and “Elena’s” weird behavior and realize Katherine’s behind it all. Damn, you two! You should totally take this detective show on the road and become a buddy cop duo.

Stefan and Caroline girltalk

I’m just saying: I WOULD WATCH THE HELL OUT OF THAT.

Next time: Kat’s out of the bag!

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