Just stick a fork in me, I’m done.

You guys. You guys. Was that super good for you, too? Drama! Secrets revealed! GUILT-RIDDEN PANTYWAISTS! (Oh, and Alexis and Julian had hot, hot sex. That is also a thing that happened. READERS, I NEARLY DIED.)

Actually, large parts of the episode drove me absolutely bonkers, but in a very SOAPS! way. Like, why would you not lead with the damn letter? Why? I nearly ripped my own hair out from frustration. The following is basically verbatim:

Lante finds out

LULU: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BABY.
EVERYONE: Um…
LULU: WHY ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING THERE?
DANTE: Honey, what are you talking about?
LULU: SHE STOLE MY BABY!
DANTE: No, seriously… what are you talking about?
LULU: I JUST TOLD YOU! WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?
DANTE: BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY SAYING ANYTHING.
LULU: MYBABYMYBABYMYBABYMYBABY–

It seriously took her over ten minutes before she even attempted to explain. I just–what is wrong with you people? YOU MAKE ME CRAZY AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL.

Thankfully, things got rolling again when Elizabeth finally marched her perfect little face and gorgeous hair downstairs — just in time for her annual public shaming:

Nik lashes out

Nik lashes out2

I both love and hate this, because my poor girl, and also: holy unfair transference, Batman! But it was a good call back to Liz and Nikolas’ long past together, including that fun time she let him think Aiden was his son for several months. And he got in a dig at the panic room, too, which THANK YOU, NIKOLAS. NEVER FORGIVE. NEVER FORGET.

(On the subject of Liz and Ric’s probably inevitable reunion, even thought he is still the kind of person who can — without any sense of irony — throw himself a whiny pity party about how his brother doesn’t trust him, all I can honestly say is LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.) (God, I hate him still.)

Meanwhile, it is a mark of how enjoyable Britt’s become over the last year that I can both want her to get caught with all my heart and still feel sorry for her and want it to work out somehow at the same time. I mean, she’s terrible and clearly brought this all on herself. But don’t you kind of want to give her a hug? (No? Just me?)

Britt truth comes out

Dante, as always, gives excellent righteous, on-the-edge-of-tears, furious reaction to terrible news. And the moment when Lulu pulled him away from his rant at Britt to share a giddy smile about the fact that they’re actually parents together was lovely. (Although I’m already rolling my eyes in advance over the thought of her blaming him for Ben’s kidnapping because “he should have just believed her” when she came in shrieking gibberish with no explanation.)

The reactions of the random other party-goers to this huge mess were reliably entertaining, but nothing can possibly beat this exchange:

SILAS: [seeing her gun] Whoa, where did that come from?
SAM: My garter holster.
SILAS: What? Right. Because you’re always packing heat at an engagement party.
SAM: [in the understatement of the decade] Wyndemere… tends to get out of hand sometimes.

I take back everything I said about soap characters never learning. Between the massive hay pile under the parapet and Sam’s sensible precautions, there may just be some hope for these people yet! (Or perhaps not, as Sam — the trained private investigator who used to be married to a mobster — still thinks “doesn’t he just have such an innocent face, though?” is a legitimate defense to present to a cop.) (Seriously, Sam? SERIOUSLY?)

But never mind that, because across town, her parents finally decided to get it on. And it was glorious:

Julexis sex2

Julexis sex4

Julexis sex1

Julexis sex3

Is it weird that I like Alexis’ undergarment better than her actual dress? DOWN WITH WAIST RUFFLES FOREVER! But I can’t be too hard on a dress that performed so admirably when it came time to be violently ripped off. Good job, dress. You really nailed it with that one.

After years of super gross, porn light, slo-mo Sonny hook-ups, I feel the show the really owed me this one. Like, personally owed me, because that’s how hard that scene hit every single one of my specific kinks. (Face grabbing! Clothes tearing! Up against the wall! Check, check, check.)

And now, if you’ll all excuse me… I’ll just be in my bunk.

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25 thoughts on “Just stick a fork in me, I’m done.

  1. Liz DID NOT let Nik think Aiden was his son, she believed it too because HELENA changed the results.She waited until she got the DNA results and her mourning to tell him, but she did not intentionally lie to Nik.

      • I will never understand why Liz gets all of the blame when it comes to Jake or Aiden’s paternity drama? Monica is the one that noticed Aiden looked like Lucky’s baby pictures, and Liz told her ex who blew her off instead of realizing that Helena probably changed the paternity tests. I don’t blame Liz for not speaking up right away after dealing with Jake’s hit and run that killed her four year old son. Liz was grieving her son’s death. As for Jake, Jason should have asked to see the paternity test.

        • I don’t think anyone was trying to give Liz “all the blame” here. If you have read this blog, you know that we love Liz. She isn’t a perfect character and she holds the responsibility of holding onto that lie and that hurt Nik and he called back to it, albeit in not a very fair way. Liz didn’t deserve the majority of Nik’s ire, but the fact that she got some makes sense for both characters.

      • didn’t she have a child to mourn and since they had BH by herself so much since she was being fired and it became all about the men, i can understand her not thinking about telling anyone about it. But again Liz didn’t lie, Helena did, Liz just forgot for a bit since her drunken ex FiL killed her son.

        • Waiting a week to share the truth with Nikolas and Lucky would have been understandable; three months? Not so much.

          I’m not interested in a fight to the death over this. Especially since I’m pretty sure Liz would be the first person to admit she could have handled that situation better. My only point in the post — where I didn’t even use the word “lie” — is that it felt like a realistic character beat for Nikolas to call back to that when he was angry and lashing out, trying to hurt her.

          • LOL,,,My main gripe about this issue, is Helena not Liz is the one that tampered with the paternity tests in the first place and Nik would have never raised Aiden in the first place.

  2. Nik can go kick rocks. The loser spent way too much time last year trying to get into Liz’s pants when she told him it was not going to happen. Sigh. I miss the potential of Quiz and hate Niz and LiRic.

    • Nik can go kick rocks. The loser spent way too much time last year trying to get into Liz’s pants when she told him it was not going to happen. Sigh. I miss the potential of Quiz and hate Niz and LiRic.

      pretty much liz didnt’ want anything to do with him until she saw him with britt..she was all about AJ….they let that story drop, why is what I want to know…

      to me liz and nick lost their spark…but of course, you cant’ write for AJ, for some asinine reason, can you….no matter who the writer is…

      liz and AJ could have had real potential…but nope…….they made first nick come crawling back to her…and now her crawling back to him…..

      it makes for a very boring storyline..if you ask me..

      people that I’m talking to are not liz fans…yet they think that lyric are smoking hot….

      I’d love to give them a chance…….

      I didn’t like them together in the first place, because of the panic roon stuff, that was done years ago….

      but I’m in agreement with the people that I talk to on yahoo groups that I belong to…..liric are smoking hot..

      and her and nick are totally boring as all get out..

      susan

  3. Oh I loved this episode. I expect LuLu to blame nik since she asked him to not let Dr. O take him. I thought Liz and Sam looked great in their dresses, but did not like Brits. I didn’t think it fit right reminded me of how they dress Carly sometimes. I like that they are letting Sam’s character have fun and seem happy.

  4. Love/Love/Love Lulu’s black n white dress today 3/26/14… Have to Have it!!
    Where can I find it?? Website or Dedigner??

  5. I nearly died too with the scorching action at the lake house. Dang that was hot stuff! I know there was some type of reveal. I just don’t remember it at the moment.

  6. Lawd, Alexis and Julian. I choose to believe more was taped but didn’t make it past network censors.
    Loved her going after him, ripping his shirt open, and then him taking control right back. I love that he does that, “best thing I’ve tasted,” moan when he kisses her.

    • Oh that moan! Sexy! SO SEXY! That scene was…whoa. I didn’t even KNOW I liked face grabbing until it happened.

      Is it bad I’m resentful that we didn’t even get pantomiming on the couch? Then again.. no sheets.. *sigh*

      Go ALEXIS.

      Oh and I loved Britt’s actress. Yes, she’s in the wrong and guilty as hell but that desperation to get her baby? So awesome. She has all of this coming but..damn.

      I’ll give her hugs too!

  7. Te conversation between my husband and me:

    Me: Tell me to go to hell.
    Him: Is this a trick? This feels like a trick.
    Me: Watch this. ( show him the Julexis scenes)
    Him: Go to hell.

    We may have role played Julian and Alexis

  8. “Liz’s annual public shaming. . . ” That made me LOL, but it’s all too true. Poor Liz–will she ever get a break?

    Poor Britt . . .pretty girl but the dress they had her in reminded me of gold Christmas packaging. And Nik picked that dress out for her, right? Where’s Maxie when you need her most? Not that she would have done much better, simply out of revenge but, you know. . .

    “Super gross, porn light. . .” That’s pretty much what I was feeling watching Lex/Julian. Not attractive! There’s just something about Lex that makes me want to bribe ABC to NEVER let her have a love scene. Just. . .no. Julian can sex up all the women he wants, just leave Lex alone. Or for God’s sake do it off-screen. Waaaaaaay off-screen. Seeing them sex it up ruined my 20/20 vision

  9. Even though I can’t stand NLG’s off screen annoying political rants on Twitter I love her acting; that said, I gotta say that scene with Alexis and Julian still has me fanning myself! According to NLG’s Twitter they will be picking up the scene next week, I think Monday. I can’t wait to see more, I love me some Julexis! <3

  10. Yeah that was some pretty hot stuff. Much much more so than most of the other couplings on the show. If I were going to bribe ABC it’d be for more scenes with this exciting hot couple!

  11. Liz DID NOT let Nik think Aiden was his son, she believed it too because HELENA changed the results.She waited until she got the DNA results and her mourning to tell him, but she did not intentionally lie to Nik.

    yup….

    susan

    Reply

  12. Nik will apologize soon enough I am sure. He realized later when he was finally giving the Brittch her much deserved and overdue slap down that Liz was the only reason that Lulu is getting her baby back. It was both a tough scene and also a wonderfully soapy scene when he lashed out at Liz but IMO there has been some long simmering anger at her over her rejection of him his conflicted feelings and of course the natural pain & humiliation he was feeling for being such a dupe and Liz took it like a grown up. I was very proud of her later with Ric. As for wanting to give Brittch a hug…I wouldn’t mind throwing her over the parapet at Wyndemere but given Brads experience, I fear it wouldn’t do her much harm. She is a loathsome whiny character who has never once admitted she did wrong until she was outed and even then like this time tried to lie her way out of it again. I definitely don’t share your fondness for her. But ITA it was a fabulous soapy show…one of the best in a long time!

  13. Thank you Frank Valentini in admitting that you shortchanged Julian and Alexis in their scenes. Now what will he do about it?

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