You guys. You guys. Was that super good for you, too? Drama! Secrets revealed! GUILT-RIDDEN PANTYWAISTS! (Oh, and Alexis and Julian had hot, hot sex. That is also a thing that happened. READERS, I NEARLY DIED.)
Actually, large parts of the episode drove me absolutely bonkers, but in a very SOAPS! way. Like, why would you not lead with the damn letter? Why? I nearly ripped my own hair out from frustration. The following is basically verbatim:
LULU: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BABY.
LULU: WHY ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING THERE?
DANTE: Honey, what are you talking about?
LULU: SHE STOLE MY BABY!
DANTE: No, seriously… what are you talking about?
LULU: I JUST TOLD YOU! WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?
DANTE: BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY SAYING ANYTHING.
It seriously took her over ten minutes before she even attempted to explain. I just–what is wrong with you people? YOU MAKE ME CRAZY AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL.
Thankfully, things got rolling again when Elizabeth finally marched her perfect little face and gorgeous hair downstairs — just in time for her annual public shaming:
I both love and hate this, because my poor girl, and also: holy unfair transference, Batman! But it was a good call back to Liz and Nikolas’ long past together, including that fun time she let him think Aiden was his son for several months. And he got in a dig at the panic room, too, which THANK YOU, NIKOLAS. NEVER FORGIVE. NEVER FORGET.
(On the subject of Liz and Ric’s probably inevitable reunion, even thought he is still the kind of person who can — without any sense of irony — throw himself a whiny pity party about how his brother doesn’t trust him, all I can honestly say is LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.) (God, I hate him still.)
Meanwhile, it is a mark of how enjoyable Britt’s become over the last year that I can both want her to get caught with all my heart and still feel sorry for her and want it to work out somehow at the same time. I mean, she’s terrible and clearly brought this all on herself. But don’t you kind of want to give her a hug? (No? Just me?)
Dante, as always, gives excellent righteous, on-the-edge-of-tears, furious reaction to terrible news. And the moment when Lulu pulled him away from his rant at Britt to share a giddy smile about the fact that they’re actually parents together was lovely. (Although I’m already rolling my eyes in advance over the thought of her blaming him for Ben’s kidnapping because “he should have just believed her” when she came in shrieking gibberish with no explanation.)
The reactions of the random other party-goers to this huge mess were reliably entertaining, but nothing can possibly beat this exchange:
SILAS: [seeing her gun] Whoa, where did that come from?
SAM: My garter holster.
SILAS: What? Right. Because you’re always packing heat at an engagement party.
SAM: [in the understatement of the decade] Wyndemere… tends to get out of hand sometimes.
I take back everything I said about soap characters never learning. Between the massive hay pile under the parapet and Sam’s sensible precautions, there may just be some hope for these people yet! (Or perhaps not, as Sam — the trained private investigator who used to be married to a mobster — still thinks “doesn’t he just have such an innocent face, though?” is a legitimate defense to present to a cop.) (Seriously, Sam? SERIOUSLY?)
But never mind that, because across town, her parents finally decided to get it on. And it was glorious:
Is it weird that I like Alexis’ undergarment better than her actual dress? DOWN WITH WAIST RUFFLES FOREVER! But I can’t be too hard on a dress that performed so admirably when it came time to be violently ripped off. Good job, dress. You really nailed it with that one.
After years of super gross, porn light, slo-mo Sonny hook-ups, I feel the show the really owed me this one. Like, personally owed me, because that’s how hard that scene hit every single one of my specific kinks. (Face grabbing! Clothes tearing! Up against the wall! Check, check, check.)
And now, if you’ll all excuse me… I’ll just be in my bunk.