Finally, an entire episode without Sonny, Carly, or Franco! I’m celebrating with a recap.
We open on Nikolas dropping Spencer off at camp. Spencer’s bummed about Alice, who was teaching him a sleeper hold, so Nik promises he’ll take him to see her if he’s good for the substitute counselor. Does this camp seriously only have one employee? Way to cheap out, Quartermaines. The rest of Lila’s understaffed kids are currently mobbing said new counselor, who is… Britt! Looking fabulous with a haircut and a purple t-shirt, I might add.
Morgan — filling this episode’s shirtless man quota — sits at the Brownstone, paging sadly through pictures of him and the Dominator arm wrestling. Okay, I’ll admit: that’s funny. Kiki comes down in her tiny sleep shorts and tries to comfort him.
Michael and Tracy fight over who should break the news to Alice that she’s not getting Rafe’s heart. Um, here’s a crazy thought: maybe her actual doctor should do it?
Speaking of Rafe, Elizabeth is working in his room when Sam comes in to spend some time with him before they shut off his life support. Liz is concerned and offers to stay with her while she waits. OH, MY SWEET SIZZLE! Sam explains that she hasn’t been able to have a conversation with Silas because he’s always busy with his wife.
Cut to: Silas wheeling Nina in for her physical therapy appointment. Apparently, she had nightmares about Rafe all night. Meanwhile, Molly is dreaming about the night of the crash, remembering Rafe’s confession that someone told him to run Patrick off the road. But when she wakes up, she’s forgotten the details. Something tells me she won’t be remembering them until sweeps.
Back in Rafe’s room, Elizabeth’s admits she’s heard about all the drama with Nina and Silas and Patrick through the hospital grape vine. Sam confirms that, unfortunately, Silas really does blame Patrick.
Nina claims that her nightmares were because the whole coma thing hits a little close to home. And she’s just so upset about that awful Dr. Drake getting away with murder and Sam taking his side! Wow, she is laying it on thick.
Also laying it on thick: Britt explains to Nik that she just felt so bad for poor Alice and volunteered to take her place. And gosh, what a surprise to see Spencer there! Of course, as soon as Nikolas walks away, we see that she and Spencer are still adorably colluding and this was all his idea. He promises to help with the other brats (aka “the townies”) while Britt focuses on winning Nikolas back.
At the Brownstone: Morgan is worried that Alice finding out about Rafe will just make her even sicker. Meanwhile, Michael is yelling at Tracy for getting Alice’s hopes up. She says he’s right and it’s her mess, so she’ll be the one to tell her.
Spencer thinks they need another ace up their sleeve. Just then, Josslyn walks up and proves that she is absolutely her mother’s daughter by snottily demanding to know what they’re talking about. Spencer leads her off to plot.
Britt admits to Nikolas that she’s a little overwhelmed by the children, having been spoiled by Spencer’s “maturity” for his age. Hah! Nikolas offer to stay and lend a hand. Gosh, Britt says. I’d hate to put you out.
Michael brings up Alice’s numerous attempts to tell him something about Tracy, but she manages to put him off again. Meanwhile, Kiki is lamenting the fact that they all missed Rafe being on heroin. Yeah, that must have been hard to miss, given all the quality time you spent with him. Shut up, Kiki.
Morgan apologizes for making this all about him and suggests the always therapeutic technique of throwing things. Kiki tosses one — brick? paint can? — and heaves for breath like she just had a sex marathon. Morgan is way too happy about it and also touching her shoulders like a creeper? It’s… kind of weird.
I’M UNCOMFORTABLE NOW
(These two are totally getting back together, aren’t they? Ugh.)
Elizabeth assures Sam that Patrick would never deliberately hurt a patient. Sam knows, but Silas is looking for someone to blame. Elizabeth remembers how angry she was when Jason asked her to let Jake save Josslyn. Sam is relieved Liz understands what Silas is going through. OH JUST KISS, YOU TWO. But Silas walks in and interrupts their girl time. Damn it.
Elsewhere in the hospital: Alexis and TJ tell Molly about Rafe’s condition. Her voice squeaks into the stratosphere as she cries that Rafe didn’t deserve this. Well, he was kind of a useless baby killer, Molly.
Nina tells Rosalie the whole story of seeing Rafe alive and getting talked down by Franco. Rosalie, bless her heart, asks if Franco was imaginary too. Nina’s feeling guilty because it if weren’t for her, Rafe would be alive.
Tracy greets Alice with a smile, compliments about her appearance, and a magazine featuring her favorite professional wrestler. For some unknown reason, Alice is not immediately suspicious. (J/K, the reason is Alice is a moron.) Tracy breaks the news that there’s been a slight complication with the heart transplant.
Back at the Brownstone, Michael wanders in to give Morgan and Kiki a ride back to the hospital. They ask how Alice took the news. Michael says he doesn’t know; Tracy’s telling her now.
And so she is! Alice is distraught, but Tracy assures her she won’t rest until another, even better heart is found. Suddenly I’m getting this visual of Tracy going on a murder spree to find the perfect heart. She says she does need something in return, though. FINALLY, Alice gets suspicious.
Elizabeth and Felix are in the locker room, getting ready to leave for the day. He notices she’s feeling down and prompts her to explain that Rafe’s situation has brought up a lot of feelings about Jake. But she can’t let it affect her work performance or Dr. O will fire her again. Felix is curious how she managed to get reinstated and Liz admits Britt went to bat for her.
Speaking of which, Britt is currently watching Nikolas squeeze his many muscles into a too-tight camp t-shirt. She’s in the middle of a hopeful speech about how maybe one day he won’t look at her like she’s pond scum when Josslyn nails her in the back with a water balloon and a shit-eating grin. (For which Spencer pays her with a candy bar.)
Felix tells Liz that of course Britt helped her to make herself look good with Nikolas. But Liz thinks even Britt couldn’t be delusional enough to think she still has a chance with him, right? Oh, Liz.
Back at camp, Britt’s taking her wet top off. There are no extras, so Nikolas offers her his, struggling hilariously to get it off. ABS UNLEASHED!
While they’re waiting for Kiki to get ready, Michael passive aggressively interrogates Morgan about what it’s like living in the Brownstone with his ex-wife. There are no words for how little I’m looking forward to round two of this triangle. Seriously.
Alexis tells Molly that they’re shutting off Rafe’s life support that day. Molly wants to be there; she needs to say goodbye, the way she didn’t get a chance to with her father. Meanwhile, Sam tells Silas about the heroin thing. Silas is unhappy to hear that he’s even MORE of a failure as a parental figure than he thought. Sam thinks they both sucked as guardians. Well, she’s not wrong.
WE’RE THE WORST
Rosalie tries to tell Nina that what happened to Rafe isn’t her fault, but Nina — in a rare flash of rationality — says that they were the adults and it was their responsibility. Of course, she follows that with claiming it’s still okay to ruin Sam and Kiki’s lives because they’ve done her wrong so… still crazy.
Britt and Nikolas hand out lunches while Spencer pretends to chastise Joss for the water balloon stunt. He’s typically over the top, but it’s so refreshing to see him not creepily fawning over Emma that I’ll allow it.
Tracy is shocked and appalled that Alice might believe she’d blackmail her with her health. SHOCKED, I SAY. But… she’d really like to blackmail her with her health. And of course, Michael walks in to catch the tail end. Jeez, is the Brownstone across the street? How did he get there and back so fast?
Nina needs to clear her conscience. Rosalie can’t believe she would actually tell Silas the truth, and finally asks what her actual plan is here, since it sure seems like Nina wants Silas back, but telling him would ruin any chance of that happening. Nina thinks she’ll never sleep again unless she takes responsibility.
Sam, Silas, Kiki, and Molly have gathered to say goodbye to Rafe. A sad piano ballad plays in the background and everyone cries about how much they loved him, this boy they never spent any time with on screen. OH RAFE WE HARDLY KNEW YE, blah blah blah. I’m a heartless monster and could not care less.
Back at camp: Britt apologizes for Spencer’s pushiness and offers to explain to him that she and Nikolas will never be getting back together because it’s not what Nikolas wants. Just then, Elizabeth and Felix — who I guess has nothing better to do now that Sabrina’s not around — show up. Liz is Not Happy to see Britt there.
Alice covers for Tracy, saying she knows she’s going to do everything in her power to get her a new heart. Okay, I just can’t with this. It’s too stupid. First of all, none of this should even be necessary. All Tracy would have to do to get Alice’s cooperation is tell her it’s to help Mr. Luke. But second — what exactly is Tracy threatening here? Michael’s still in charge of the company. What does Alice think will happen if she outs Tracy’s plans? DUMB.
Back in her room, Molly’s upset and wishes she could remember what Rafe said to her in the car. In Rafe’s room, Silas continues with his pity party. OH, RAFE. OH, THE HUMANITY. He and Sam hug it out, just as Rosalie wheels Nina up. Something tells me her change of heart isn’t going to last.