It’s so hard keeping track of the mob hierarchies on this show. There’s the good mobsters, who kill people and do non-specified illegal things — but not drugs! And the gray area mobsters, who kill people and deal cocaine while feeling bad about it — but not heroin!
And of course, the bad mobsters — who kill people and also lace their cocaine with secret heroin, because that seems like a winning business model.
And it would be one thing if any of them were remotely competent. But… let’s just say that last week, Sonny literally had to stop Shawn from shooting a helicopter down over the hospital. While they were standing right beneath it. That was a thing that actually happened.
Meanwhile, Julian gave Mickey an ultimatum and was shocked — SHOCKED, I SAY — when he retaliated against Julian’s loved ones. I mean, it’s not like the exact same thing happened the last time he stood up to his boss. (I hate what they’re doing with Julian right now. I hate it so much. Not only is he lying to Alexis in really unforgivable ways, but he’s doing it in the service of a plot that continuously requires him to be a complete idiot.)
Not that Team Law Enforcement has made a better showing lately. I mean, really? They couldn’t have figured out a way for Mickey to catch Jordan without her leaving a tape recording of herself confessing she’s a DEA agent in his room? REALLY?
I KNOW, HON. IT PISSED ME OFF TOO.
But really, what I want to know is: who do I have to kill to get Jordan a love interest that isn’t Shawn? Because — true story — if they’d actually given him the satisfaction of rescuing her today, I might have had to take a break from this show for a while. FREE JORDAN.
(It says something about Shawn — and how utterly I’ve come to loathe his beautiful but patronizing and sanctimonious ass — that these scenes actually found me momentarily rooting for freaking Mickey Diamond. This, despite the fact that he’s played by Donnie Pfaster, the X-Files death fetishist whose creepy voice has haunted my dreams since I was 14 years old. SHAWN IS SO TERRIBLE, HE MADE ME WANT DONNIE PFASTER TO WIN.)
I was trying to think of who else on the canvas I’d rather see with Jordan, and of course it’s the one other new character I’ve liked, and who has therefore completely disappeared:
REMEMBER THIS? GOOD TIMES
And then as soon as I thought of it, I got lost in an imaginary world where Julian isn’t an idiot and makes a deal with Anna to take down his boss instead of just assuming he’d let him walk away. Meanwhile, Carlos and Jordan fall in love while working undercover, neither of them realizing they’re on the same side. The combined power of their amazing hair solves the world’s energy crisis. The end.
It’s probably a bad sign when an imaginary relationship between two characters who have never actually met is more exciting than anything actually happening on the real show, but here we are.