Robin’s back! And I have so many questions. Like who gave her that super cute haircut while she’s on house arrest? Did Victor kidnap a stylist? And I’m no doctor, but have they tried just thawing the frozen people out at room temperature?
Because that seemed to work for Lulu. Just saying.
Other questions: were all the Cassadine family minions lost in a tragic boating accident, forcing Victor to rely on random teenage drug addicts/former angels to do his dastardly bidding?
And is the stupid bug contagious? Because otherwise I don’t know why she’s spending her time fantasizing about popsicle Jason saving the day when she could be — OH, I DON’T KNOW — warning Patrick that his life is in danger? Calling her mother, the badass international spy for help? Or how about enlisting her close friend Nikolas to deal with his crazy uncle?
The bright spot in all this is obviously these two adorable goobers:
SAM: I tried to bribe him, but he didn’t want money; he wanted sex.
PATRICK: Are you kidding me? Did you hurt him?
SAM: I did. I did. I kneed him in the groin.
(I’m not saying I’m totally into it. But I’m not not into it, you know?)
Meanwhile, speaking of the stupid bug: Alexis finally conquered hers and called Julian out on his MOUNTAIN OF LIES. And then she had super hot sex with him on the living room floor, because duh, he did straight up murder Donnie Pfaster defending her honor. She’s only human.
MURDER CONFESSIONS ALWAYS TURN ME ON
But she also had the wherewithal to kick him to the curb after, which I appreciated. I mean, I love you, Jerome, but damn. You got the woman’s house burned down. Get it together.
Elsewhere: the bad news is we are definitely getting a Sonny and Carly redux. The good news is that will make it easier to fast forward through both of them together. Unfortunately, today I had the show on while I was cooking, and my raw meat hands forced me to sit through an entire excruciating scene in which she actually apologized to him for bringing up that time he shot her in the head while she was giving birth to his child.
I rarely find myself saying this about Carly, but girl? Have some self respect.
(Then I remember that self-respect in this instance involves sticking with Franco, the serial killer who once threatened to kidnap the daughter she’s now forcing to co-habitate with him. And I want to punch myself in the face.)