I’m trying to ease myself back into posting more regularly, but it’s tough, y’all. So have a recap:
Emma and Spencer are continuing their breakfast chat. I guess Port Charles is a magical place where schools don’t start until noon, leaving all second graders with plenty of time for leisurely impromptu restaurant trips. He thinks he knows who’s trying to hurt her family.
Close by, Sam is interrogating a delightfully clean shaven Patrick about why he didn’t mention the business card they found in Rafe’s things. (He looks easily ten years younger without the beard, right? That’s not just me?)
Anna’s office: the lady in question helpfully recaps the situation for us while on the phone with a worried Mac. The Port Charles Press, by the way, is sporting this magnificent cover photo:
I miss Todd’s gift for punny headlines.
My darling Liesl storms past Nik and Britt — waiting outside — and bursts into the office. She’s off on a paranoid rant about Anna deliberately trying to hurt Nathan. Which prompts Anna to repeat, once again, that he is one of her finest detectives. And look — you all know how much I enjoy that boy, but if Nathan “my entire SWAT team just got gassed, should I call that in? NAH!” West is really the best that she’s got, the PCPD is in even more trouble than usual.
Case in point: over at Crichton-Clark, Nathan’s being led down the hall, handcuffed and blindfolded. He hears Maxie calling for help and goes valiantly but fruitlessly nuts, getting a beat down for his trouble. Victor shows up just in time to save him from a pistol whipping.
Close by, Lulu and Dante wake up chained to the wall and groggily realize they’re in some kind of medical facility. Lulu wonders where Maxie is. Dante is optimistic that Nathan is looking for them. Oh, my sweet summer child. Not to beat a dead horse, but if Nathan “Got knocked out by Levi Dunkleman” West is your only hope… the odds don’t look so good.
Britt and Nik gossip about her mother giving Nathan up just to try and hold onto Faison. Which leads Britt to explain her theory that Victor might be Nathan’s father. Except she refers to him as just Nikolas’ uncle, and he thinks for a second that she was talking about Stefan. Well, isn’t that an interesting name to drop, Carlivati. EXTREMELY INTERESTING.
Back at Kelly’s, Spencer tries to distract Emma with gifts and possessiveness — good Lord, this kid is a restraining order waiting to happen — but she wears him down until he admits he knows something about the crash, but can’t say what.
Patrick plays dumb with Sam and manages to manipulate her into thinking the business card is a dead end. Smooth, Drake. Sam promises Patrick that whatever is going on, they can figure it out together. Patrick feels the guilt.
Britt and Nikolas pause for a moment to establish that even if her half-brother is Nikolas’ first cousin, once removed, he and Britt are still not related by blood. I’m honestly surprised that everyone in Port Charles doesn’t walk around with portable genealogy charts in anticipation of occasions like this.
For the umpteenth time, Obrecht hysterically accuses Anna of having murdered Faison. Anna’s finally had enough and lays into her for using Nathan to indulge her “bizarre fetish with a sociopath.” I continue to love her meanness while taunting Obrecht about Faison.
Victor’s goons throw Nathan in with Maxie, taking the opportunity to beat him up some more, and prompting the best dialog exchange of the episode:
MAXIE: You’d be too afraid to hit him if he wasn’t locked to a wall!
GOON: [completely expressionless] But he is.
I don’t know why that deadpan line reading from that wimpy looking guard cracked me up so much, but good job, extra dude. YOU NAILED IT.
Maxie frets over Nathan’s injuries, but he just grins adorably and tells her she’s a sight for sore eyes. Maxie’s glad to see him too — which I don’t doubt. She’s probably going withdrawal; it’s been at least 48 hours since he’s been shirtless for no reason.
She wonders where Dante and Lulu are, and Nathan explains they were gassed, but refuses to elaborate because it’s a long story. Not… really? “A weird guy with an accent asked a lot of intrusive questions about my mother. The end.” How hard is that, West?
Obrecht storms out of Anna’s office, announces that Anna is a MURDEROUS COW and she’ll have to find someone else to save her son. So she calls Victor, of course, and flirts with him before asking for a favor. Sure thing! So long as she tells him the truth: is Nathan his son? Also, it’s no use lying, because he’s having a DNA test done. Dr. O quietly freaks out.
Nathan claims he visited Nina “a million times” while she was at Crichton-Clark and is sure that’s where they are now. Well, that’s certainly 999,998 more times than he’s visited her since she’s been awake! Maxie pokes at his open head wound and offers to rip her dirty hostage clothes for bandages. Keep your day job, Max. (Oh, wait. You don’t have one.)
Anna’s on the phone again — with Robert this time — discussing his lack of success tracking down Frisco, when Britt and Nikolas march right in. Anna, seriously: invest in a door lock. Britt asks about her mother’s accusation, re: Faison.
Dante and Lulu speculate that she was taken in revenge for Luke’s part in the original Aztec jewels adventure. Lulu wonders if her dad even knows this is happening. She doesn’t believe he would actually cheat on Tracy this time. Dante finally asks the question everyone who knows Luke should have been asking for months: what’s up with how weird he’s been since Miscavige?
Patrick seems like he’s on the verge of coming clean to Sam when Emma drags Spencer over. He’s still refusing to talk, but Sam remembers that they’re actually related and pulls him over for a distant cousin heart-to-heat.
Britt assures Anna that there is no love lost between her and her father, but warns Anna that her mother will never give up until she gets her answers. Anna lays out to whole story of the decades of stalking and terror to which Faison has subjected her, and actually seems to be on the verge of confessing something… when Dr. O bursts back in with news: she thinks she knows where Nathan is.
Maxie is getting upset, saying all this is her fault for refusing to listen to Nathan about Levi. She wonders if he’ll ever be able to forgive her. Nathan’s muscles are clearly straining with sadness. When she refuses to accept his forgiveness, he launches into this epic speech of swoony good boyfriendness:
NATHAN: Maxie, Levi is a criminal, okay? He’s a con man. And he’s got your head so mixed up that you don’t think you’re perfect just the way you are. And it killed me to watch you second guess yourself, to watch Levi tear you down, piece by piece. Or worse — to teach you to do the tearing yourself. Okay, I can’t watch you that anymore. I can’t watch you hurt yourself anymore. No more. Especially not over me.
Oh, Nathan. You big, dumb, dreamy dreamboat. Maxie berates herself for going through with that stupid wedding despite all her doubts. He asks why she was having second thoughts. Come on, man. Was the hair not reason enough? Maxie admits it was because of Nathan. Does this mean they’re going to make out soon? Because I would enjoy that.
And holy crap, I think we’ve got plot movement! Spencer finally, finally, FINALLY squeals on FauxLuke. Meanwhile, Dante is filling Lulu in on the investigation into her father when the door opens. Lulu is shocked to see whoever it is.
(Stavros? Luke? Heather? Jerry? Faison? Robin? Billy Miller? I got nothing, folks.)
On an unrelated note, for those of you who enjoy Scotland, time travel and pining: I’m very sorry, but we won’t be covering Outlander. Mostly because I am just way too cheap to pay for Starz. But I recommend our good friends at Outslander for all of your recapping needs.
(And not just because they fed me wine and let me liveblog with them this weekend. Well, okay a little because of that.)