It’s been a rough couple of days in Port Charles. Franco was on screen for large portions of time, not telling Michael that Sonny murdered AJ, i.e. the one and only thing that could possible make him relevant.
Jordan was on screen, waving a gun around and not using it to shoot Shawn, even though she practically had an engraved invitation to do so.
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???
Shawn — whose job description is literally MAFIA HITMAN — was on screen, not getting hit with lightning while complaining that Ava is a “cold-blooded killer” and “a piece of work” because she didn’t agree to be kidnapped like a nice girl. I’m actually not sure which was more funny/enraging — the above dialog, or Sonny berating him afterward for failing to shoot the woman he’s sleeping with so he could deliver the woman carrying Sonny’s child/grandchild for execution.
(Trick question: both things made me want to rage cry until I blacked out from how much I hate both these characters.)
Honestly, if the goal of all this was to make me root for Ava, then mission accomplished? I guess? Even though she is also terrible, it’s hard not to sympathize when every scene with her resembles an animal trying to gnaw it’s own leg off to escape a trap. It’s even making Morgan — Morgan! Of all people! — come off as slightly dreamy while taking her side and promising to protect her.
(Not by doing the super obvious thing, of course, which would be simply telling Sonny that he knows about his plans and will disown him forever if anything happens to Ava. I said he was dreamy, not bright, okay?)
Speaking of animals in traps, everything to do with Robin has basically become excruciating. I just can’t with this constant kidnapping or the fact that the writing forces her to be complicit in her own victimization. It’s weak and contrived, and you cannot convince me in a million years that Anna and Patrick would swallow that incredibly unbelievable story.
JUST HANGING OUT IN MY SCRUBS IN PARIS,
TAKING SKYPE CALLS FROM A CAR. THAT’S NOT WEIRD.
I realize everyone’s in a bind so long as Kimberly McCullough isn’t sticking around long term, but can we just have Robin leave town for some intensive therapy to deal with what must be a massive case of PTSD at this point? Let Emma visit with her off screen? Let her not be a captive anymore? Please?
Or maybe St. Jason will save her. Because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he is a paragon among men, a hero among heroes, and mere mortals cannot possibly hope to understand his greatness. At least, according to Helena, Robin, Carly, and basically everyone who’s suddenly remembered he exists.
(Which isn’t to say that the scenes where Elizabeth saved his life and held his hand and proved that Rebecca Herbst could literally have chemistry with a stone were not super good for me. BECAUSE THEY WERE.)
LOOK, I’M EASY, OKAY?
Also good for me: everything about Julian and Ned’s teenage testosterone throwdown over Alexis. (Will “Stay out of this, TED!” ever stop being funny? No.)
Plus casual references to Ned’s history with bigamy and this little gem:
ALEXIS: You don’t know anything about Ned.
JULIAN: Well, I know he doesn’t make you quiver. I know he doesn’t break your back the way you like it. And I know he doesn’t love you the way I do. You know what, go ahead, take him for a spin. It’s not gonna work. Eventually you’ll realize nothing compares to me. And you’ll be back. I just hope for your sake that I’m still waiting around.
Daaaaaamn, these two. First of all, A+ use of the word quiver, Julian. And extra points for smoldering.
Points deducted for the bullshit at the end, though. Shouldn’t he still be in the groveling phase? Call me crazy, but if a lady dumps you because you lied to her about being in the mob and got her house burned down, then you really don’t get to pull the smug romance novel douche hero routine for at least 6 months.