1. REVEEEEEEENGE! I hope you all are ready for a cracktastic season, because I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re getting. So let’s get right into it: It’s been six long months in the land of Revenge, which means everyone’s had plenty of time to make bad life choices. Specifically, bad fashion choices.
NOT THIS SUIT. THIS SUIT IS AMAZING.
No, I mean, the hair. WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH NOLAN’S TRAGIC HAIR? (Also: David Clarke’s tragic beard, Jack’s tragic lack of beard, Margaux’s tragic… everything? There was a lot of tragedy happening in this episode, folks.)
If Margaux wants to look stupid, then I guess that’s no skin of my nose, but someone please tell me the Nolan situation clears up soon? I really can’t take his angry hedgehog thing much longer.
2. Oh, you actually care about the plot? Fine. Victoria’s doing the voice over now! And she’s still stuck in the loony bin, because apparently mental institutions don’t have to notify your next of kin while detaining you indefinitely, but if you manage to escape, you can just resume your life without being pursued.
Also, they’ll take your nice clothes away but allow access to make up and hair care products? I’m so confused about how forced institutionalization works in the Revenge universe.
(But sometimes Lisa Simpson will become your BFF/minion. So that’s a perk, I guess.)
3. Daniel, meanwhile, has been successfully blackmailed by Gideon and reduced to selling his James Bond car to maintain the illusion he’s not a destitute drunk. Clearly, getting another job or, you know, lowering his standard of living were not options.
Charlotte being Charlotte, she is dealing with their changed circumstances by living in a $7,000/mo apartment, sponging off her brother for rent, sleeping with Gideon, doing a ton of coke, and nursing a monster grudge against probably the one person who’s ever actually cared about her. Never change, Charlotte.
4. Jack has spent the last 6 months becoming a cop. That is definitely a thing that happened, and I think we all need to take a moment and process it with all the seriousness that Nick Wechsler has given it.
(Have you processed it yet? Do you need another moment? Take another moment.)
5. But never mind all that, because Emily has moved into Grayson manor and installed herself as the new queen of the Hamptons. She’s also taken up some freelance revenging to deal with her feelings about Aiden being very definitely dead. (So dead. Have I mentioned that Aiden is dead? AIDEN IS STILL DEAD, YOU GUYS.)
And because Aiden is dead, we got more quality Nolan/Emily time than we have in a while, and they are still super married, and it was pretty delightful. It’s a good thing they have each other, because David Clarke has spent the last six months most definitely not getting in contact with either of them. I’m wary of handing out Worst Parent Ever awards on a show with such stiff competition, but let’s just say he is definitely in the running.