Previously on Vampire Diaries: Everyone died and came back to life! Except Bonnie and Damon. They’re totally dead. I’m sure we’ll never see them again.
Season six, people! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. We’re doing shorter recaps this year, because frankly, the longer ones were exhausting and this show is just not doing it for me anymore.
We check in with our heroes four months after all the Other Side shenanigans, and they’re still working through their various Bonnie and Damon feels. Except Elena! She’s just fine and dandy because she’s pulling a full on Bella Swan, and now spends her days doing drugs, hallucinating Damon, and eating people.
(Remember when Elena was actually likeable and had a moral backbone and did things other than mope about Damon? Those were good times.)
Meanwhile, Mystic Falls is still a vamp-free zone, and Jeremy and Cute!Matt have holed up in it — the former in a depressed funk and the latter forming a self-defense militia squad. I’m sure that will end well.
Especially since he’s partnered up with Colin Ferguson, who is super not buying the old ‘mauled by a dog’ excuse when Matt and Sheriff Liz have to clean up after one of Elena’s victims.
Caroline has dropped out of school so she can spend all her time leaving sad voicemails for Stefan and obsessively searching for a way to lift the anti-magic barrier. Um, Caroline? Maybe you could let the good people of Mystic Falls just enjoy a few years where they don’t lose a quarter of their population to that mysterious wild dog problem? I know moving is a pain, but Matty Blue Eyes could really use a break here.
Tyler’s still human and finally starting his freshman year at Whitmore! He’s also got a massive, awkward crush on Liv and a big pile of anger issues. I’m going to put the countdown to him murdering someone again at sweeps.
“Wait, girls don’t like it when you
try to kill their brothers?”
Speaking of Whitmore, my poor darling Alaric is teaching occult studies, because of course he is. And almost every main character is in his class, because of course they are. With Damon leaving him a single parent, the strain of being a vampire and dealing with the emotional baggage of this hot mess of idiots is clearly starting to wear on him. I feel you, Ric.
Thankfully, he’s got Elena’s new med school professor to flirt with. (Yes, Elena’s apparently pre-med now. And as an undergrad, she’s already working in a hospital. Just think about that for a minute.)
And Stefan? He’s been busy working as a mechanic, sleeping with some rando, and pointedly not taking Caroline’s calls. Presumably for reasons related to his unrelenting manpain? Although who can really tell anymore. Mopey Stefan is the worst.
He’s also given up on finding a way to bring Damon back, the news of which sends Elena into another minor breakdown. Through the magic of contrivance, Alaric has the same power to compel other vamps as the Originals, and she asks him to make her forget ever having loved Damon. Because sure, dealing with grief through magical repression of emotions has always worked out so well for you in the past, Elena.
If all of that sounds pretty tedious and annoying, that’s because it was. But finally, we get to the minute of this episode that was actually entertaining: Bonnie and Damon! Are somewhere cozy looking, hanging out like a married couple! I have no idea what’s happening, but Damon is wearing plaid? And making her adorable vampcakes? And also they’re listening to Collective Soul.
So that happened.
Next time: Bonnie and Damon are maybe in 1994? That’s awesome. They can peg their jeans, go see Speed in the theaters, watch season two of the X-Files live again and pretend they don’t know how the conspiracy arc is going to fall apart in 7 years. (What? I have priorities.)