Previously on Vampire Diaries: Damon made Bonnie pancakes. It was adorable.
Let’s do the good stuff first: turns out Damon and Bonnie are not only in 1994, but also trapped in a weird, people-less Groundhog Day time loop. It’s two great tropes that taste great together! And they’ve been bickering and cooking each other food for months while they try to find a way out. All of this remains extremely good for me.
The bad news is they don’t get to watch tv — at least, that’s what I assume, judging by the amount of time Bonnie is spending on the same crossword puzzle. The good news is CDs still work, and now we all know what Ian Somerhalder looks like while getting his groove on to Salt-N-Pepa.
Oh, and thanks to Bonnie’s crossword obsession, they figure out a mystery person has to be trapped there with them. Stay tuned for more on this intriguing development next week.
Meanwhile, back in the real world: Enzo’s back! Oh… good. (Look, I know I’m the only one on the planet who feels this way, but he just does nothing for me. Sorry. He’s like everything I find annoying about both Damon and Klaus wrapped up in one super annoying package.)
I THINK STEFAN’S WITH ME, THO
Anyway, since Stefan’s given up on finding Bonnie and Damon, Enzo’s been the only one following up on Alaric’s various witchy leads. When Caroline catches wind of all this, she and Enzo head off to find their wayward Salvatore. And find him, they do! Still playing house with a girl who’s name I’m not even bothering to look up, because — SPOILER — she’s not going to survive this episode.
Before the casual and unnecessary murder of a complete innocent, however, all four of them get to sit through a hilariously awkward dinner, punctuated by Caroline finally getting to yell at Stefan for being a mopey, self-involved bag of dicks who abandoned her in her time of need. Which was nice. And when Enzo catches her crying in the car afterward, the look on his face almost, almost got me to like him.
WE’RE BOTH ON TEAM PUNCH ANYONE
WHO MAKES CAROLINE CRY
Except instead of taking it out on Stefan, he just kills rando girl, and nope. Nope, nope, nope. I do not want Caroline in another relationship with another douchy murderer.
(I realize that severely limits her dating options on a show where all men are pretty much douchy murders, dead within two episodes, or Cute!Matt. But still. A girl can dream, right?)
Speaking of my sweet Matty, he’s still stuck in Mystic, dealing with Jeremy’s terminal brattiness and getting manipulated by Colin Ferguson, aka Trip — who we learn is not only a Fell, but a psychotic vampire hunter. DUN!
Also, Sarah, Elena’s victim from last week, is still kicking around, sleeping with Jeremy and searching for her father, who supposedly lives in town. So… long lost Bennett sister? I got nothing.
And finally: Elena spends the episode in a clip show of her and Damon’s greatest hits while she and Alaric Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind their way through her memories to find the moment when she realized she loved Damon. Which was… insert drumroll, please… when he gave back her necklace. Ah, season three. Such a simpler, more enjoyable time.
Honestly, I know they were meant to tug at my heart strings, but the only thing all these flashbacks made me feel was nostalgic for a time when I actually liked and respected Elena as a character. Because this hot mess? Who’s screwing around with her brain and forcing all her friends to constantly walk on eggshells over saying the wrong thing and self-censor their own history and grief just to indulge her inability to deal with her emotions? Not doing it for me.
I mean, I think we’re supposed to be upset when she succeeds in removing her love for Damon and remembers only that he’s a monster who killer her brother in a fit of pique that one time, but… that actually happened? And was terrible? And the Elena I once knew and loved would never have really forgiven him for it or any of the other terrible things he’s done very recently to people she loves.
As usual, Vampire Diaries, we are on very different pages.
Next time: Remember the hijinks when Enzo thought Stefan killed a woman he loved and went on a HILARIOUS revenge rampage? Like that, but reversed.