Songs in the key of crazy ladies.

If there’s one thing I’m already appreciating about Billy Miller’s Jason, it’s… okay, it’s everything. I appreciate everything about him. LET’S NOT BE COY.

But I especially appreciate the fact that he has more than one facial expression, and almost all of them are incredibly snarky. This is handy, because Elizabeth’s snark-ometer has been off the charts lately, too.

ADORABLE SNARKY BABIES

You all know that nothing makes me happier than soap characters casually explaining SOAPS! insanity to newcomers, so if Liz just keeps explaining the utterly bananas history of everyone they run into while Jason makes incredulous faces in the background, I’ll be pretty much in heaven. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.

Unfortunately, there are other things happening than my latent Liz/Jason feelings reawakening like a dormant volcano of sixteen year old squee. And 95% of them involve either Sonny or crazy moms. Which is painful for me.

I’ve got nothing against crazy ladies in general. Some of my very favorite ladies are of the crazier variety! But it starts to feel a little pointed when between Sabrina, Heather, Madeline, Liesl, and Nina, you’ve got five crazy mothers featured in one week. That is… a lot of crazy moms.

Sabrina, alone, has now had two separate breaks from reality. I actually laughed out loud when Felix told her it was basically no big deal that she’d deliberately tried to cause a patient’s miscarriage because she was grieving. What’s a little attempted murder when you’re really, really sad? And isn’t it cute how when men lose a child on this show, they just get angry and determined and run off to have adventures in Amsterdam?

Of course, if ladies aren’t trying to kill babies, they’re trying to steal them. Stealing babies is the fashion trend in Port Charles that just. Will. Not. Die. About the only nice thing I can say about the NINA WAS ALWAYS SUPER CRAY retcon is at least it doesn’t lay her descent into madness solely at the feet of her miscarriage. But everything else about it is obviously ludicrous. (Dear writers: pretty sure putting someone in a coma for 20 years is still a crime for which you can be charged.)

None of this is Michelle Stafford’s fault. She’s the only thing making any of this hot mess even remotely watchable.

I want to make “REPEEEEEEEEENT!” my new ringtone.

It’s just impossible to invest in Nina when she’s so isolated. Nathan came to town obsessed with justice for her, but they’ve shared maybe five minutes of screen time together since she turned up alive. They didn’t even bother to give her a reaction when he was held hostage at her old rehab facility! And it took months to even half-heartedly acknowledge her connections to Obrecht and Britt, both of whom could have been providing her with valuable revenge and babynapping tips this whole time.

(Dear show: much will be forgiven if this actually ends up happening.)

But the biggest problem is Silas. Stafford is giving it her all, but she might as well have been screaming at a chair the other day. He has yet to provide a single explanation or apology for his affair. It certainly couldn’t have been because he actually cared about Ava, since he’s failed to ever display the slightest hint of affection for her beyond begrudging medical care.

Listening to his wife have a mental breakdown?
Or composing his grocery list? Who can tell.

Of course, there’s also no hint that he ever had real feelings toward Nina either, so I guess maybe that’s just Silas’ MO: drifting through life, staring blankly and falling into a parade of indifferent vaginas.

The only connection of Nina’s that actually works is her weird friendship with Franco. Which is problematic because Franco is still Franco, aka, a human disaster on every level. I was never a fan of the Carly/Franco pairing, but the speed at which she’s gone from genuinely in love with him to fearfully marrying him to keep his silence is kind of baffling? And I might feel sort of bad for him because of that, except he’s reverted to full on psychopath, therefore negating every bit of lame “it was just the tumor!” redemption they’ve tried to shove onto his character.

WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE ROOTING FOR HERE? WHO? Certainly not Carly and Sonny, because anticipating the moment Michael finally realizes their monstrous selfishness is all that’s keeping me going. And certainly not Franco, because… it’s Franco.

It’s a predicament.

Meanwhile, the only thing more popular than baby stealing right now is unemployment. Everything about evil Judge PlotPoint forbidding Maxie and Nathan to date is so stupid that I cant even bother to mock it, but if he’d denied custody because she hasn’t had a job in over a YEAR for no freaking reason, I would have stood up and clapped .

And I guess Kiki is a construction foreman now? Before that she may have been working at the hospital in some unspecified capacity that I assume was janitorial, considering that before that, she apparently just dropped out of school on a whim and neither mentioned nor spoke to anyone from her previous life ever again. Ditto for Morgan, who’s gone from college student to mob flunky to interior designer in the space of a year. Is Lulu still running the Haunted Star? Where would she even find the time between obsessing over the many babies she’s lost and regained and longs to be pregnant with again?

SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO ALL THESE PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

Which is why I’m giving half a brownie point to the Lucas/Brad/Bobbie scenes where they laid out a ridiculous reason for the former’s months of joblessness.

(Also, because Bobbie leaping on the chance to gang up on Lucas with his new boyfriend was super obnoxious in such a patented Barbara Jean non-crazy mom way. Bless her meddling little heart.)