Previously on Vampire Diaries: Tyler massacred a corn maze, Stefan raised his douche meter to a thousand, and Bonnie wrecked the only thing I liked about this season.
Elena’s shocked to learn that Damon’s alive, but still refuses to let Alaric lift the compulsion, reasoning that her life has been much less of a garbage pail without Damon in it. She’s not wrong.
Damon takes this news with his customary maturity and respect for his girlfriend’s decisions — by which I mean he spends most of the episode whining to Stefan, bitching at Alaric, and stalking her.
This puts a bit of a damper on the tender boyfriend reunion with Alaric that I was hoping to get. But at least the latter gets brownie points for steadfastly defending Elena’s right to make her own choices. THIS IS WHY YOU’RE STILL MY FAVORITE, RIC.
Oh, and Damon? Not only not looking for a way to save Bonnie, but also actively lying to everyone about the fact that she was even with him back in 1994. Because God forbid this show actually let me have anything nice, ever.
The one bright spot is that after Jeremy confesses he’s been paying Bonnie’s phone bill just so he can listen to her voice message, Damon calls her number and leaves a sweet message thanking her confessing that it’s possible he might just miss her a wee bit. Damn it, show. Every time I think I’m out…
To distract herself from the Damon situation, Elena sets out on a mission to find out how hot Dr. Jo was able to overcome Alaric’s compulsion. She’s a laughably incompetent spy, so it’s lucky that Dr. Jo pretty much comes out and admits that she knows all about vampires and has compulsion immunity because she’s a witch.
Meanwhile, Cute!Matt hasn’t told anyone about Enzo being locked up in Trip’s murder cabin, assuming that Stefan must of turned him in for a good reason.
I love how completely done with all these assholes Matty is these days. Except Enzo threatens to rat out all the vampires he actually likes, so he’s forced to come clean to the gang.
But it’s all kind of moot, because Trip’s got poor dead Ivy’s cell phone, and now they know Caroline’s a vampire. Damon gets snatched in her door room, where he’s lying in wait for Elena — just as she’d had a change of heart and decided to meet with him.
Dr. Jo confronts Alaric as he’s rushing out the door to save Damon, and he gives her the straight up scoop on his terrible, no good, very bad life, explaining that she’d want nothing to do with him if she was really smart.
Luckily for him, she follows him anyway! Because the rescue plan he and Stefan cook up is pretty terrible, and leads to Trip’s murder van getting flipped across the border to Mystic Falls and dragging Alaric, Enzo, and Damon. (I’m at least comforted that Enzo’s reunion with Damon was even more lackluster than Alaric’s. What the hell, show?)
Stefan steels himself and crosses the border to grab Damon — who insists he take Enzo first and, oh my GOD, we are never getting rid of effing Enzo, are we? Alaric is still bleeding out on the grass when Dr. Jo shows up, applies some handy pressure bandages, and manages to save his life. I knew I liked her for a reason.
Of course, this is just after Elena finally decided that she couldn’t live her life hiding her past, and wants the compulsion lifted. Only now Alaric is human again, so… whoops?
Gee, if only any of them knew an original vampire who’s always had a soft spot for Elena? (Is it obvious I would do just about anything to see Elijah again?) (Except watch The Originals, obviously. That shit looks terrible.)
While all this has been happening, Sarah’s been snooping around for information about her parents’ deaths. Matt plays dumb at first, but eventually admits that he knows the Salvatore family and Damon and Stefan are vampires who bring death and pain to the lives of everyone they meet. That seems fair. Before Sarah gets a chance to react, Jeremy interrupts this revelation to have another breakdown about Bonnie. (Will Jeremy ever be interesting again? Sources say no.)
In the aftermath of the rescue, Stefan wants things to go back to normal with Caroline, but she’s still too hurt and claims she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. MY HEART.
Damon is super happy that his depressed and miserable best friend finally has a chance to be human and happy again. Just kidding! He gets drunk and goes on a whiny rant about how he doesn’t want Elena to be happy without him. Charming. But Stefan gives him a pep talk, so he finally goes to meet her face to face. Will the power of their love be strong enough to overcome the compulsion? Previews say: unlikely.
Next time: Damon probably eats semi-hot med school student dude. Oh, well.