Previously on Vampire Diaries: The Gemini coven was super weird about twins.
Operation Rescue Bonnie is a go! All they need is the McGuffin, which Alaric easily steals from Jo under Damon’s compulsion. Stefan, it should be noted, makes his disapproval of this clear… but does absolutely nothing to stop it, which is kind of typical for him.
Next, they need a willing witch, but it’s all good. Because even though the rest of her family is so terrified of Kai getting out that Papa Gemini was willing to murder his other remaining daughter at the merest hint he might escape, Liv is super okay with using the McGuffin to send Damon and Elena back over.
I feel the show really wants me to care about Liv as a person at this point, what with her tragic back story revealed and all. And I still just really don’t. Her only personality settings are angry or bored and the actress is so flat and just no. No, Vampire Diaries. Stop trying to make Liv happen.
SHE’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Anyway, it’s all a moot point, because Kai’s already out! And on his way to Mystic Falls, where he promptly kills a cab driver, learns about Twitter, and tracks down his baby sister for a reunion at the bar where she works. Except she doesn’t recognize him — due to a spell her father cast, which just seems really short-sighted. I mean, given how terrified they are of Kai getting out, wouldn’t it make more sense for his potential targets to be able to see him coming? LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, GEMINI COVEN. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.
Kai steals some of Liv’s magic and is about to kill her when Tyler burst in kind of from nowhere — was he just waiting around upstairs or what? — and manages to stun Kai long enough for them to escape.
Meanwhile, Elena and Damon can’t find Bonnie anywhere in 1994, because, of course, Kai stranded her in Portland before he left. They find blood at Chez Salvatore and freak out a little before Damon pages Kai. Elena is amusingly befuddled by both the concept of a pager and the enormous camcorder she finds while they wait — it seems Damon was making video diaries of his misery while he and Bonnie were trapped. But her questions about that are deflected when the Bonnie calls back.
DAMON: Kai? If you’ve so much as hurt one hair on her annoying little witch head, I will kill you, and then–
BONNIE: That was so sweet. Why’d you have to ruin it by calling me annoying?
Yes, that was super endearing. Stop toying with my heart, show! We both know you’re not really going to follow through!
Elena and Bonnie are adorably overjoyed to hear each other’s voices. Turns out Bonnie’s calling from a pay phone in Indiana, which means she should just be able to make it home before Liv pulls them back in seven hours. But instead of picking a place to meet in the middle, Elena and Damon will just wait for her in Mystic. because why give yourself some leeway when you can just cut it really close and hope for the best? I’m sure that will in no way come back to bite them!
Waiting for Bonnie gives Elena time to read the newspaper and see the article about Kai’s homicidal rampage. For some reason, it had not occurred to her before that moment that it really wasn’t in Jo’s best interests to just hand the McGuffin over. When Damon admits that he kind of stole it, she accuses him of only caring about winning her back by saving her best friend. Prompting this speech:
DAMON: I thought that this was my hell, Elena. But you know who didn’t? Bonnie. She had hope. For both of us. She’s the reason I survived. The reason I made it out. Who knew? Turns out you spend time with someone and don’t kill them, you actually become friends. I’m doing this for Bonnie, Elena. Not for you.
Back in the real world, the B plot involves Cute!Matt setting up a meet and greet between Sarah and her great, great, great, great uncle Stefan. Unfortunately, Enzo shows up to crash and heckle, because his Stefan hate-boner is still raging. “Nobody likes you,” Matt tells him. WORD, MATTY.
Stefan manages to get Sarah out of eavesdropping distance and calls her on her bluff. Because he’s always known exactly where the real Sarah Salvatore is — he arranged for her adoption into a good home, and he’s been keeping her survival a secret from Damon to protect her. This “Sarah” is actually Monique, who knew the real Sarah at school and decided to track down her rich relatives.
Stefan compels her to leave town and forget everything, but before she can, Enzo shows up and demands to know what Stefan’s hiding. When he stays quiet, Enzo snaps her neck, because he is SUCH A MASSIVE DICKHOLE. (For those keeping track at home, Cute!Matt is now 300% done with everyone and everything.)
In 1994: Damon and Elena are bonding over being at Elena’s old house when suddenly they’re ripped back to the real world — an hour early. Tyler and Liv are on the run from Kai and couldn’t wait any longer. They run over the border into Mystic Falls before Elena or Damon can stop them. Kai shows up soon after — still in possession of some stolen magic — and destroys the McGuffin before he also escapes across the border.
Elena calls Jeremy to give him the bad news and he takes it with about as much brattiness as you might expect. He’s about to take a drink when Cute!Matt suggests he channel his issues into something more productive: killing Enzo. Oh, boys. I could totally get behind that idea, but I’m pretty sure he’s on contract, so you’re probably just going to get your asses kicked.
Alaric, having regained his memories after driving over the border, is pissed as hell. Damon takes a couple punches without complaint and gives a heartbreaking speech about how Bonnie has sacrificed for all of them so many times, only for them to fail her. He thinks she must be getting home right then and realizing how horribly alone she is — as we see exactly that happening. MY POOR BONNIE, GUYS.
Finally: Kai shows up at Tyler’s house — how does he even know who Tyler is? And he wants to make a deal.
Next time: Kai tries to kill everyone, Enzo’s a dick, and reportedly, a major character dies. Something tells me I’m going to be super pissed about whoever it is.