Wherefore art thou, Johnny?

Welp. Those five seconds it looked like maybe this latest incarnation of Johnny Zacchara wouldn’t be a gigantic failboat sure didn’t last long. It’s a little ironic that one of the only characters I consistently liked during the Guza era is one of the ones I’ve hated most during the Carlivati era, but here we are.

Carlivati’s Johnny exists solely to make Sonny look good in comparison — as if there are enough Machiavellian mob takeover schemes in the world to ever make me forget what a raging douchebag this guy has been for the past 15 years:

Sonny cries

NO DICE. HIS TEARS GIVE ME LIFE.

To be fair, Guza’s Johnny characterization was a little schizophrenic, too. Remember when they introduced him with all these warnings about how he was this CRAZY and OUT OF CONTROL!!!! daredevil who spent all his time jumping off bridges? And then almost immediately decided to make him a sensitive, brooding, classical piano playing, genuinely nice guy who respected women and didn’t really want to be a part of the mob? Good times.

But Carlivati’s conception of the character has always been super dark, amoral, and completely devoid of the Johnny who cared about other people and did his best to be a good person in a bad situation.

Johnny bug eyes

AND I HATE HIS STUPID PUFFY HAIR, TOO.

So of course now he’s apparently joined the giant super villain league of evil team up that also currently includes such luminaries as Helena and Victor Cassadine, Caesar Faison, Jerry Jacks, Lord Larry Ashton, the recently deceased Peter Harrell Sr., and whoever the hell FauxLuke turns out to be. (Ed. note: please be Frank Smith, please be Frank Smith, please be Frank Smith.)

OF COURSE. I don’t know why I thought for a single second things might go any differently.

shirtless Julian

And of course, Julian is joining up, too. Maybe? Sort of? I mean, his heart’s not really in it, but his penitent “I’ll do anything for my family” routine — which was a REALLY GOOD look on him, by the way — turned out to have a pretty big “unless they don’t immediately forgive me for lying and putting them in danger” proviso.

(But at least he’s had the courtesy to also be hanging around doing shirtless handstand push ups while incarcerated, which is more than I can say for some people, Johnny.)

Elsewhere on the canvas, my number one soap opera pet peeve — i.e. anything involving soap court — has been so out of control stupid that I’m having trouble knowing were to even begin ranting about it.

Maxie's dress

NICE DRESS, THOUGH

The Port Charles family court system has such interesting priorities! They apparently have the resources to employ a vast network of spies all around the city to monitor Maxie’s love life for months on end. But are simultaneously so short staffed that they couldn’t even be bothered to be involved in the custody of Ava’s baby. (“Eh, let’s just outsource this one to a random doctor. He probably knows what he’s doing.” — PC Family Court)

The fact that Kiki has been judged fit to be in charge of another human being while Maxie is still banned from even supervised visitation with her child — despite both the wishes of the custodial parent or a lack of any evidence that she’s actually a danger of any kind — is so rage inducingly idiotic that words sort of fail me? Like, even Kiki’s mother thought that was the dumbest thing she’d ever heard.

SIZZLE fight

And speaking of lazy writing, could they really not have found a more believable reason for Sam to be suspicious of “Jake” than the coincidental use of one extremely common phrase? The rest of the story is fine — Sam looking for revenge on Jason’s behalf, not realizing it’s actually Jason that she’s targeting? Liz believing he’s innocent, not knowing he’s been brainwashed to forget he’s guilty? Classic soap!

But because they couldn’t be bothered to write an even mildly plausible reason for her to suspect him, right now Sam just looks like a ranting crazy person, even though we know she’s right.

Do better, writers.

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6 thoughts on “Wherefore art thou, Johnny?

  1. I was never much of a Johnny fan, though I did like when he first showed up in prison and taunted Sonny. But I have totally checked out of General Pentonville. Life’s too short.

  2. When Johnny first appeared I’d thought maybe Kristina would reappear. The first Kristina I would enjoy the two of them so much more than the Kiki/Morgan story.

  3. johnny got pretty dickish towards the end of Guza’s run too. Remember all those shenanigans he did with Lisa, Robin, and Patrick? How he wouldn’t give Robin and Patrick the needle they needed to incriminate Lisa, or something? It was weird.

  4. I totally agree about Sam’s hearing Jake say a phrase that EVERYONE has said at one time or another is RIDICULOUS!…Then she acts like she sooo recognizes his eyes in that mask. Well if you know his eyes so well, why don’t you know he’s your husband, Sherlock??!!

  5. Loved, loved loved the Julian, Sam, and Danny scenes until Molly walked into her sister’s home demanding to know why her sister’s father was in her sister’s home.

    The writing is doing Molly no favors, It isn’t doing Haley any favors either. Haley has a naturally whiny voice, so angry or sad scenes come out as screeching and whining.

    If I have to keep hearing, “Ric is innocent,” I am going to need to wear a helmet to keep from getting a serious head injury from the anvils falling on my head that Ric isn’t innocent at all in all of this.

    I past ready for this Fluke mess to be over.

    The rest of this is spoilerish –

    Alexis and Julian are clearly in love and so not ready to move on, NYE with others will be an epic disaster. I think Alexis will look far worse by using someone she cares about and someone she knows might be in love with her to get over Julian. At least Julian and Olivia go into whatever happens NYE knowing it is a one-time thing, with no feelings for the other one at all. They are on an even playing field with their ONS, Ned and Alexis are not. Ned may have started out agreeing to it to keep Alexis away from Julian, but that has changed. IMO, Alexis is suddenly acting like Carly and I don’t like it.

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