If a bomb goes off and not even one annoying character explodes, does it still make a sound? Because that was super disappointing. Sabrina was sitting right there, show. At the very least, I was expecting Ivy to bite it! On the other hand, I was also starting to seriously worry about Brad, so I guess we should just count our blessings.
But the real miracle is that Franco and Nina aren’t on my current list of annoying characters who really need to die.
I don’t know if it’s because crazy balances crazy, or because it’s easier to pretend Franco isn’t Franco when he’s not interacting with anyone he’s previously kidnapped, threatened, strapped to a bomb, pretend-raped for funzies or otherwise terrorized in any way.
But if you’d told me a year ago that I would be legit verklempt over Franco — of a people! — injecting himself with LSD to be with his baby-stealing girlfriend, I would probably have sprained something laughing. And yet here we are.
Also, this happened:
PRESENTED WITHOUT COMMENT
But back to the bomb, because wow, that was dumb. There’s no time for the police to get to the Haunted Star before the bomb blows! But enough time for Lulu to get from the boat to the hospital! And no time for people to evacuate! But enough time for Michael to grab the bomb, run outside, and have an extended staring contest with Sonny.
I realize most of this is garden variety soap stupidity and contrivance. But the thing that really bugs me is that once again, Sonny loving his kids is the magic wand that means he can get away with anything in the eyes of the other characters. Because his real crime wasn’t the cold-blooded murder of an innocent man! It was breaking a promise to Michael. And if he’s willing to die for Michael, well then, that make it all better!
You know what would actually have been interesting? If Sonny had sacrificed himself for someone he didn’t care about. Someone he hated, even. But no. We’re handing out gold stars for loving your children, which is the bare minimum of decent parenting.
ELIZABETH: It sounds like Sonny was a true hero tonight.
LULU: He saved everyone on that boat.
Side note: I don’t know what’s more painful — listening to Liz help sanctify AJ’s killer or her awkward, in-between hair length. (WHY, GIRL? That bob was the most adorable thing this side of the Puppy Bowl baby goat cheerleaders. Why are you ruining that cuteness?!)
Of course, Liz isn’t the only one dropping on the Saint Sonny bandwagon:
BOBBIE: Do you realize? Everyone here owes their life to you.
MICHAEL: No. They owe it to my father.
I’m sorry. Please excuse me while I go PUKE FOREVER. Too soon, show. A whole year of him getting away with murder and barely two months of scorn and punishment? TOO SOON.
Look. We all knew Sonny couldn’t stay town pariah forever. And we knew that whatever idiotic act of redemption they came up with to get him off the hook would be irritating and stupid. And sure, this didn’t quite reach the levels of “Magic Irish stones gave Lucky a vision and Luke managed to be sober while driving to the hospital” levels of irritating and stupid… but it was still pretty damn stupid.
(Like, for real, Michael could have just thrown the damn thing in the water in the time it took him and Sonny to argue about it. They couldn’t have at least come up with a scenario where someone absolutely had to make a sacrifice play?)
(This is going to be so enraging, I can just tell. TOO SOON.)