You know when you know something is going to be bad, and then it happens, and it is so much worse? And all you can do is sit there and annoy your neighbors by making incoherent angry Pterodactyl noises at the screen? Watching Friday’s episode was kind of like that.
MORGAN: Why don’t we all get real for a second and just admit that Michael’s not coming because he’s too busy nursing his little grudges to come say thank you to dad for saving everyone on that boat, including him.
Ah, yes. That Michael, so petty. Always nursing stupid grudges over silly little things like THE COLD BLOODED MURDER OF HIS FATHER.
But I can see why Morgan would have trouble empathizing. I mean, that time he spent several months so furious with Sonny that he actually conspired with a rival mob family to get him killed, it was a grudge over a really serious offense, like giving his brother a job.
At least Morgan being terrible is pretty par for the course. But I don’t expect this kind of bullshit from Dante. I mean, this is pretty much literally the conversation they had. And it made me want to punch things:
DANTE: Don’t you think you should save him for being the biggest hero this town has ever seen?
MICHAEL: Well, he still kind of murdered my father, so… no.
DANTE: Hey, I get it. Remember that time he tried to murder me, too? But seriously, if you don’t thank him, you’re going to burn in hell for all eternity.
But nothing on the rage-ometer can possibly top this:
AND THEN THERE’S THIS ASSHOLE
(I can’t wait to see Governor Contrivance’s reelection campaign: “Vote for the man who let the biggest mobster on the Eastern seaboard out of prison!”)
Can we just stop and break down this amazing act of “heroism” for second? Starting with Sonny and the others breaking out of prison rather than just calling any one of a dozen people who who would have listened to a warning about Fluke — Carly, Lucas, Dante, Shawn, anyone? — and ending with Sonny showing up just in time to get in the way of Michael being the real hero.
(To use a sports metaphor, it’s like if one player ran all the way down the field with the ball. And then two feet from the end zone, some other guy — who’d been banned from the game for, oh, let’s say murdering another player — grabs it and makes the touchdown. And he gets all the credit for winning the game. And also doesn’t have to go to prison for being a mob kingpin. I don’t know, I’m not verygood with sports.)
Also, let’s be real here. That bomb barely left a scratch on Sonny even though he was holding it two seconds before it went off. So were anyone’s lives really in danger? If it actually had gone off inside the boat, they’d have been lucky if it even dented the bar. Fun fact: even my mother, who called only because she wanted me to explain the Luke plot, and who is fond of telling me “it’s just a show, lighten up” whenever I complain about anything, opined that the Sonny stuff was — and I quote — “kind of lame.”
But lest this entire post be a bummer, look at how adorable Alexis and Julian are, staring at each other like goobers. And she totally saved him! Sort of! Even though Fluke could just have easily killed them both!
Look, I’m trying to end on an up note here. Just go with it. (Adorable!)