Oh, for Pete’s sake, show. I go away for one measly week and you throw a party and trash all of Port Charles? What did I tell you about trying to plot character motivations while drunk? I said DON’T DO IT, show. But you did, and now Nikolas is taking out hits on his lovers and Anna’s brain has fallen out of her head and we’ve lost Carlos’ sexy silver fox forever. Are you happy now, show? Are you?
So now I have to go all mom voice and tell you that I’m not angry that Duke is dead. But I am disappointed that a beloved character and one of the only men on this show to ever truly give up the mob for love was resurrected only to betray every aspect of the story and then get pointlessly killed off in a mob war.
I’m not angry that Nina and Ric got married. I am disappointed (and frankly baffled?) that anyone on the writing staff thinks shoving Ric into the Nina/Franco vortex of suckitude with zero explanation or build up was a good way to make us care about any of them.
I’m not angry that Jordan arrested Shawn. I am, however, really disappointed that she didn’t also SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE, because OH MY GOD, HE IS THE LIVING WORST:
SHAWN: You said your life was on the line! Like a idiot, I fell for it.
JORDAN: So it’s all about you, then, is it? What happened to you, how you were wrong. I think the real victim here today is Hayden Barnes. Let’s not forget that you were going to murder Jake Doe. But instead you shot an innocent woman. Now, I don’t blame you for being angry, but I expect you to kind of own up to your own choices. You didn’t get here by accident, you didn’t wake up one day working for Sonny Corinthos. You chose this life, now accept the consequences.
SHAWN: Did you consider what your deception would do to TJ?
JORDAN: I think that my son would be happy to know that I’m not a criminal, that I’ve been upholding the law all along.
Oh, Jordan. You would think that because you are not a crazy person. TJ, on the other hand? Believes that drug dealing and murdering people for money is a more acceptable career choice than “selling out.” Because obviously, the only acceptable way to put drug dealers and murders behind bars is to ask them nicely if they did it and then wait for them to drive themselves to the jail. In other news: SHUT UP, TJ, OH MY GOD.
I’m also not angry that Julian decided to leave the mob over the completely unrelated not-death of his four months premature baby. I am disappointed that Julian going to prison or his other son getting shot or the woman he loves leaving him weren’t good enough reasons for him to make this decisions six months ago when it actually made sense. But, you know, whatever. THAT’S JUST WHO HE IS, Y’ALL.
ALEXIS: When you went to prison, that’s when this all should have stopped. Because I told you that’s what I wanted and you told me that’s what you wanted, and yet you stayed. If you loved me, you would have left.
JULIAN: You know I considered it. But this is what I do, this is who I am. I can’t be somebody else.
Except, oops! Turns out he totally can! Not because he feels any guilt over ordering Duke’s death or causing Alexis to compromise her principles or putting his loved ones in danger for no other reason than his own selfish need for power. No, the real reason is… actually, I have no idea. The narrative cares so little about Julian’s actions making any sense that it didn’t even bother to come up one.
(Other than the painfully obvious need to make Olivia and Ned into the bad guys when they don’t immediately confess the truth about the baby, of course. Because that is clearly the only reason any of this is happening. Kind of makes it really hard to care or invest.)
Nice poker face, Liz. You nailed it.
Speaking of which, I’m not angry that Elizabeth has clearly gone insane. (Actual dialog that actually came out of her mouth: “Sonny would never target anyone innocent!”) (!!!) But I am so extremely disappointed that instead of trusting in the inherent drama of the situation they’d created, the writers felt the need to saddle this ugly mess on all of us.
Because look: I am not rooting for Sam and Jason to get back together. But the actors do have chemistry! There was absolutely no need to torpedo the competition in order to support an eventual reunion. The organic conflict that would have been generated by both the Elizabeth/Jason and Sam/Patrick relationships developing naturally before the big reveal could have been some great, soapy, character-based drama, forcing Jason and Sam to really struggle with sincerely loving two very different people and lifestyles. Even if it didn’t go my couple’s way, I would have eaten that crap up with a spoon.
Instead, Liz’s bizarre betrayal has taken away all possibility of a real choice from the eventual outcome. It’s forced, plot-driven and utterly unbelievable for the character. And if Patrick also discovers and hides the truth — as seems likely — that will only cement the fact that this writing team has zero confidence in their ability to tell a compelling story that isn’t full of shock gimmicks or people being terrible to each other for no reason. Which is a real shame.
Go to your room, show, and think about what you’ve done.