Guys, I am seriously starting to suspect that we’re headed toward a big sweeps reveal that half the town has been taken over by body snatching impostors. I mean, forget Nikolas and Elizabeth — now Tracy, certified viper, is braiding friendship bracelets with Sabrina, certified living cotton candy? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?
Also, consider the following:
– Dante Falconeri (World’s Greatest Husband, Father, and Perfect Human Being) going from zero to CHEATING BASTARD in the space of a week without even bothering to ask Lulu for an explanation?
– Holly not remembering several important details from her own life, including the city where her child was conceived or the fact that she had a tumultuous love affair with Bill Eckert?*
– Everyone in town resisting the urge to rip this horrendous wig off of Ava’s head. HOW HAS NO ONE JUST RIPPED IT OFF OF HER YET?**
(The fact that everyone she’s met has been able to resist the urge to pull a Kimberly with that thing is almost more amazing than the fact that no one is questioning why she’s acting like a possessive lunatic over a baby she barely knows.)
– Michael listening to this speech and not only not laughing hysterically, but actually AGREEING that although Avery will definitely be safer, happier, more functional, and infinitely less likely to die in a car bomb while living with him, he should return his sister to Sonny. Because… it’s what AJ would have wanted. OBVIOUSLY.
SABRINA: If you give your sister back to Sonny, you’ll be reuniting a father with his child. You’ll be putting down the anger and the vengeance and allowing yourself to move on. I think if he were here, your father would want that.
Yes, if there was one thing that defined AJ, it was forgiveness! You really nailed that one, Sabrina! (Also: oh my God, shut up, Sabrina, YOU SACCHARINE, SANCTIMONIOUS, MEALY-MOUTHED TWIT.)
I just… ugh. This was a story literally 20 years in the making. It deserved a lot more than this rushed, hacky mess. If Michael was going to soften toward Sonny, it should have been because Sonny had actually demonstrated some sort of real growth or change.
The face my heart makes while watching this show lately.
It wouldn’t even have been that hard! Just have him cede some of his territory or voluntarily give up custody because he’d actually recognized the damage he’d caused his other children. But, no: Sonny learns nothing, changes nothing, gets everything he wants. As usual. Which leads me to:
– Ava (you know, the woman who recently faked her death, invented an identical fraternal twin, and has been roaming around town with I AM AVA JEROME practically painted on her back) is now the only one saying anything even remotely sane about this situation:
AVA: Sonny is a killer. He kills people. And people he loves, they get killed. You didn’t have a problem sending her back to that world?
MICHAEL: Sonny promised me that he would protect her.
AVA: And did he not make you the same assurance. How did that turn out for you, Michael?
It’s lucky Michael can’t answer that because he is currently a pod person. Otherwise, I’d be forced to think that no one writing this show cares anything about logic of character integrity.
– And the final piece of evidence: Lucky’s hair. Clearly, this could only be the work of an inhuman monster:
GREASY MULLET WHYYYYY
(Oh, and also Poor Dead Jake is maybe not so dead? Which is a hilarious development that is sure to make the internet explode whichever way it pans out, so stay tuned.)
In conclusion: BODY SNATCHERS. Tell me parasitic aliens controlling the brains of all these people doesn’t make so more sense than anything that’s happened on your screen in the last month. I dare you.
*Yes, I’m aware this has been addressed as a simple mistake. I’m taking cheap shots tonight. Deal with it.
**Apparently in show reality, it’s not even really a wig, so we’re being robbed of the only potentially fun thing that could possibly redeem this travesty of s story line.