So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie.

Speaking of, Lulu tells Dante she knows all about him and Valerie. Of course she means the kiss and not the boning. But she’s already pretty upset. Dante says he is so, so sorry. Yeah, buddy. Join the club.

Jason (so-called hereafter, because now there are two Jake’s running around and that’s going to get old really fast) is at the Quartermaine house looking for Michael, but only Monica is there. YAY, MONICA! I was seriously starting to worry that Leslie Charleson had been kidnapped or something.

Monica and Jakeson

Sam has come to collect Patrick from the hospital, as both kids have been shuttled off to Mac and Felicia for the night. Which is kind of hilarious, considering Mac and Felicia have no relation to Danny at all? Like, it’s really nice of them to volunteer for free overnight babysitting for a random toddler so Mac’s niece’s ex-husband can get lucky, but damn. (Although let’s be real here: Mac Scorpio never met a kid he wasn’t related to that he didn’t want to raise, so Sam should actually be worried that she won’t be getting Danny back.)

Lucky apologizes for showing up with no warning but Liz just pulls him into a hug, telling him how worried she’d been. He brushes over an explanation about the kidnapping, but she runs upstairs to get Aiden before he can drop the big Jake news. I love that “oh, I was kidnapped” is such a legitimately common occurrence in this family that no further explanations are even needed. Aiden comes running down the stairs and almost immediately spills the name of mommy’s new boyfriend.

Elizabeth awkward

AWKWARD.

Monica tells Jason that Michael is actually out on a date. Which Jason would have known if he’d bothered to call before trekking across town. But if anyone actually used their phones, this wouldn’t be a soap opera. Monica invites him to stay and wait, since Michael is out with Sabrina and will therefore probably be home by 7:00. Jason seems a little affected by being in the Q house, and immediately gravitates to a picture of himself with AJ.

Dante abjectly apologizes and begs Lulu’s forgiveness. Lulu (and the eight tons of eye make up that the stylists persist in thinking is attractive for reasons that remain a complete mystery to me BUT I DIGRESS) tells him that it depends on whether it was just the one kiss or something more. Dante immediately confesses that they slept together and grovels at her feet. JUST KIDDING! He lies his ass off because of course he does.

Dante lies like a rug

Lulu's terrible eye makeup

Patrick fills Sam in on Hayden’s condition. (Patient confidentiality? What patient confidentiality?) Sam’s excited at the thought that she might wake up and tell them who Jake is. She’s also still wondering at Hayden’s connection to Nikolas.

Monica and Jason hang out, eating snacks and talking about her dead kids. As you do. I would complain about the contrivance, but I’m still way too happy that Monica’s finally a part of this story.

Lucky comes downstairs after putting Aiden to bed with a story. Hilariously, Luke and little Jake have now just been standing around twiddling their thumbs outside for at least twenty minutes. (Do you think Luke showed him the spot on the road where he ran him down yet? Good times.) Elizabeth gives Lucky the good news about how Josslyn is cancer-free now, which gives him a natural segue to finally drop the Jake bomb.

Liz in denial

IT DOESN’T GO WELL.

Elizabeth is in furious denial until Lucky tells her Jake is waiting right outside. Luke brings him in and they have an emotional reunion which is only slightly spoiled by the fact that the little kid playing Jake is just not a good actor at all. I mean, I understand why they brought him back for this but, either we’re supposed to think this kid is kind of a sociopath or he has the emotional range of a turnip.

Monica tells Jason his own origin story: blah blah, at first she wanted nothing to do with him but then she realized he was the second coming. I will say this: the line about the last time she ever saw Jason Quartermine felt a lot like foreshadowing, and I am super happy that they’ve chosen to build up his Quartermaine connections over his relationship with Sonny. If Jason gets his memory back and chooses to retain some of his Jason Q qualities, it will almost make all of this crap worthwhile. Almost.

Nikolas and Laura

Meanwhile, Laura’s over at Wyndemere to update Nikolas on all the recent family drama. He reacts to the news that his presumed dead nephew has been found alive on his own island with all the enthusiasm of someone who’s just found a missing sock under the couch. Laura thinks it’s just too bad Jason isn’t alive to see it. Nikolas’ constipation face intensifies.

Jason meanwhile, is telling Monica that based on everything he’s heard about himself, he was clearly a Good Man. Monica tearfully agrees. Uh, guess you didn’t hear about the part where he killed people for money, then, huh?

Liz is slightly overwhelmed, so Luke distracts Jake with toys while she and Lucky go outside to decompress. I love that Jake straight up doesn’t not give a crap about any of this. “Oh, this random guy just showed up and told he he’s my father? Oh, I’m leaving the only home and people I know? Oh, this strange lady is crying and saying she’s my mother? BUT ARE THERE VIDEO GAMES?”

Liz and little Jake reunion

Elizabeth keeps thinking she’ll wake up and find out it was all a dream. Girl, I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and realize this whole plot is just a desperate Liason fanfic. She and Lucky hug and cry and can’t believe they have their son back.

Jason finally gets up to leave, since apparently Michael is getting lucky tonight after all. Monica apologizes for wasting his time, but he sincerely assures her that talking to strangers about the town saint is his favorite pastime.

Liz thanks Luke for bringing her son back, and they share a nice moment:

ELIZABETH: You know, you used to intimidate me.
LUKE: Really? I hope that’s not still the case.
ELIZABETH: After everything we’ve been though, Luke…
LUKE: You know, for such a tiny little thing, you have awesome resilience.

Luke tells her she has a second chance, which is rare, and not to give up on happiness when she finds it.

Lulu is furious with Dante, but Dante says that he initiated the kiss and Valerie isn’t to blame. He would also really like to pretend the whole thing never happened. The entire audience agrees wholeheartedly.

Valerie

Meanwhile, Jordan tells Valerie that she needs to pull up her big girl panties and deal with this situation like a professional adult. Somehow, I don’t see that happening.

Luke heads off to find Tracy. But he stops on the porch for a heart-to-heart with his firstborn about what’s been bothering him. Lucky tearfully confesses that he’s tired of running and wants to be there for his kids, but he’s terrified of the “darkness” that lives inside of him, the same way it did in Luke. I’m honestly trying to take this all seriously because I really want Lucky not to be a deadbeat dad for no reason. But whenever he or Luke starts talking about their dark side, all I keep picturing is this:

ANYWAY. Luke gives him a pep talk and tells him that honestly facing the “demon” inside him is the only way to beat it. It’s all super vague, new age mumbo jumbo, but Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson still have enough of a connection to almost sell it.

LUKE: My God, I love you.
LUCKY: I love you too, Dad.
LUKE: Now you do me a favor. If this battle gets bloody and you get weary, let me know. Let me know, son. And I will be there [snaps fingers] like that.
LUCKY: Maybe next time I’ll rescue you instead.
LUKE: You already have.

Luke and Lucky goodbye

RELUCTANT FEELS

After Luke leaves, Lucky takes off to go update Laura on how things went with bringing Jake home. Because once again, no one on soap operas can just use a freaking phone. But he assures Elizabeth that this isn’t goodbye. I really hope they recast Lucky after this. Enough is enough. If they need some room in the budget, I have some suggestions for people who could be cut. Rhymes with “Cranko” and “Shrieky.”

Luke walks into the Q’s, having taken the time to change into a suit. Monica screams for Alice to kick him out, but he just wants to know where Tracy is.

Lulu tells Dante that she wants to forget the past few weeks as well. But she’s not quite ready to kiss him yet. As soon as she leaves the room, he calls Valerie to let her know exactly what Lulu knows — and doesn’t know. She assures him she’ll keep his secret.

Nik Laura and Lucky

Laura finally notices Nikolas is acting like someone shot his dog, which is an odd response to happy news. He claims to be upset over Jason not being there to see his son, and almost seems like he might be about to confess the truth… when Lucky walks in.

Elizabeth and Jake are talking about the stuff that really matters, like what his life’s been like these past five years and who took care of him all that time and how she thought he was dead. JUST KIDDING. They’re talking about motorcycles, because this kid had exactly one personality trait before he “died” and they are going to beat that drum for the rest of time. Right on time, big Jake walks in. DUN!

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14 thoughts on “So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

  1. As contrived and horrific as it all sounds, I have to return and watch it. Because JAKE (the kid not the man) is back!!!!! Ohhh YAYYYYY…*happy dance*

    It took them long enough to reverse the absolute worst freakin plot contrivance ever- killing off baby Jake- which was apparently the last and final straw for me to give up watching GH. Thanks to this lovely blog I can just read up on it. But Jake is back. YEAH YEAH YEAH. I’m just super thrilled for the character LIZ.

    Yes, I’m happy for my much beloved character to get her kid back..Don’t Judge me…LOL

  2. I didnt’ see the last five minutes…..I wasn’t home to watch, and my computer concked out on it…….for some reason it does not like the station that I watch it on..or something like that

    susan

    I don’t know, I think that Helena did something to that kid…….he seems like a robot….

    yeah he has to get used to liz and all that, I get it….but the way that he was with luke….so robotic like….I worry that she’s brainwashed him, I really do

  3. I rather enjoyed this episode. As rushed as all this was regarding little Jake’s return, I’m just happy he’s alive and back with his mother. I like that this epi centered around vet characters with just a splash of some newer ones, instead of them taking over the episode like Ava, Franco, Nina, etc. would have.

    I enjoyed seeing BH and JJ acting together again, but I am in total agreement regarding a romantic relationship for Elizabeth and Lucky. No, thank you. I did find it hilarious that Lucky is not going to parent his children b/c of…reasons, DARK reasons. WUT??? Okay, whatever. This does nothing to change the issue of him being a deadbeat. Once-a-week Skype phone calls aren’t going to cut it. When Elizabeth had that line about calling him when the kids were teenagers, I wondered if that is when Lucky will become a full-time dad again. Guess she’ll just have to explain to Cameron and Aiden about Jake and re-introduce them to each other…alone. Hey, Lucky has inexplicable Spencer darkness to battle. Oookay.

    And I enjoyed the moment Becky and Tony got to have, after being left alone together (although this doesn’t change the fact that Luke did in fact run down Jake, so I didn’t really like her thanking him, but she’s overwhelmed and grateful so I get it).

    I did enjoy Jason and Monica. I thought her line about fewer and fewer people knowing Jason Quartermaine was also foreshadowing Jason Q. reemerging as a big part of him, along with Jason Morgan. Wonder how he’ll take Sonny killing AJ. I would hope if he’s this fired up over ELQ b/c of Michael, surely he’ll be furious once he realizes how much bigger AJ’s murder was and I’m just kidding! I’m not going to actually hold my breath about that b/c Sonny got a pardon and bygones! Fury over ELQ makes much more sense…

    I’m sorry, but I just need to say it: Jason is stupid. He wakes up from a coma with memories of Elizabeth and Jake, has a flash of being with Sam, and them talking about moving in together. He feels connections to Elizabeth, Carly, and Michael. Danny is drawn to him. He feels something every single time he is at the Quartermaine mansion. He has lethal skills. Good grief! 2+2=4, dude!

  4. I enjoyed the scenes with Jakeson and Monica, however it would have been nice to see some flashbacks. We all know that Jakeson has a new face so why not show the scenes where he was a baby and when he was played by Steve Burton wearing a reindeer sweater? And it was lovely to have Monica back on the canvas although it will probably be another six months before we see here again.

    I seriously believe that Helena programmed little Jake the way that she did Lucky and Jakeson. If I were Elizabeth, I would start sleeping with one eye open. What do we think the chances are that Elizabeth takes Jake to see a therapist? Say Dr. Kevin Collins or perhaps bringing Tom Hardy back? Any child who has spent that much time on Cassadine Island given all the stuff that’s been going on, Robin being kidnapped, Stavros coming back from the dead again, hanging out with Helena, would make any child ripe for therapy.

    I wish I understood the way they are using people on this show. People disappear for months at time, stories that we should see happen off camera (Lucy and Duke’s entire relationship). It’s been almost a year since we learned that Rosalie has a secret and yet we still don’t know what it is. Does anyone really care? And don’t get me started on the TJ story line that never was. This could have been a great opportunity for Julian to get in good with Alexis and Molly, by blasting the security guard and the police on the front pages of that rag he owns. He could even give Molly an internship at the paper. Doesn’t she want to be a writer?

  5. I’m going to have to YouTube this and the others with JJ. When Luke, Laura, and Lucky first came back to town is around when I first started watching .GH. I loved their family dynamic. Would love to see that repeated on the show. Especially the parent child relationship.

  6. With Jake being so young, and Liz in obvious shock that her son is alive, I, too, would treat the boy with kid gloves and not pepper him with lots of questions. Helena is evil and we know that the small snippet that we saw with Jake means there is more story to tell with such a young boy. I am just beyond thrilled that little Jake is back home with his mother. It is unfortunate the show is peppered with so many characters, because a small child coming back from the dead and how it impacts his family and relatives is such a huge story, so I expect lots of drama to unfold!

    Dante is not dumb and he had to know spending so much time with Valerie was going to lead to some bed time between the two in-laws and co-workers.

    Luke is almost off my screen!

    I never want to see another round of romantic LnL2 or Niz, ever!

    Liz holding onto the lie that Jake is Jason is silly, since the man has had numerous memory flashes and he has yet to go see a therapist.

    • The thing is, I just have zero confidence that this show will delve into any of the follow up for this that I’m actually interested in. We know Helena is evil, yes, but what about the women who were raising him on the island? Did they mistreat him? Does he love them? Were they kind to him but also subtly damaging/brainwashing him in different ways? (His statement that he didn’t have a mother, for example — what was he told to make him think that?)

      His strange lack of curiosity and/or seeming distress about being completely uprooted from the only life he’s ever known, and his almost instant acceptance of all these strangers who say they’re his family could be the symptom of some real emotional problems that the show is going to explore… or it could be sloppy writing. And guess which one I find more likely.

      But if they end up getting into it and the homecoming is a lot more stressful and difficult than it has been so far, and Liz takes him to the massive amounts of therapy he so obviously needs, then I’ll stand corrected.

  7. Are we taking bets as to how long it takes for Valerie to pass out/vomit?

    Also, someone fill me in there – Nik’s dad is Stavros (aka fake Bo), not Stefan (aka fake Patch)… but Stavros is the one who was also obsessed with Lulu during this whole ice princess thing? And there’s like some Stavros/Lulu embryos on ice somewhere? Does this mean that at some point in the future there will be a time when Nik can legitimately say that his half-sister is his half-siblings mother? Because that is the kind of ridiculous soapy stuff I live for.

  8. Best part out of a whole lot of good parts: RELUCTANT FEELS

    I get Dante chickening out. Lulu is . . . not the most forgiving person. I suspect she would/will try to claw his eyes out at first. Not blaming Lulu at all! As she should. I thought the cheating was OOC and stupid, but now the actually cheating is done, I get him chickening out and not telling. I also get the logic that it’s better for her to never know if he never plans on doing it again. He doesn’t know he’s on a soap and it all must come out eventually (unless, of course, it’s the Jason secret. Then who the hell knows.)

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