I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.
You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.
Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie.
Speaking of, Lulu tells Dante she knows all about him and Valerie. Of course she means the kiss and not the boning. But she’s already pretty upset. Dante says he is so, so sorry. Yeah, buddy. Join the club.
Jason (so-called hereafter, because now there are two Jake’s running around and that’s going to get old really fast) is at the Quartermaine house looking for Michael, but only Monica is there. YAY, MONICA! I was seriously starting to worry that Leslie Charleson had been kidnapped or something.
Sam has come to collect Patrick from the hospital, as both kids have been shuttled off to Mac and Felicia for the night. Which is kind of hilarious, considering Mac and Felicia have no relation to Danny at all? Like, it’s really nice of them to volunteer for free overnight babysitting for a random toddler so Mac’s niece’s ex-husband can get lucky, but damn. (Although let’s be real here: Mac Scorpio never met a kid he wasn’t related to that he didn’t want to raise, so Sam should actually be worried that she won’t be getting Danny back.)
Lucky apologizes for showing up with no warning but Liz just pulls him into a hug, telling him how worried she’d been. He brushes over an explanation about the kidnapping, but she runs upstairs to get Aiden before he can drop the big Jake news. I love that “oh, I was kidnapped” is such a legitimately common occurrence in this family that no further explanations are even needed. Aiden comes running down the stairs and almost immediately spills the name of mommy’s new boyfriend.
Monica tells Jason that Michael is actually out on a date. Which Jason would have known if he’d bothered to call before trekking across town. But if anyone actually used their phones, this wouldn’t be a soap opera. Monica invites him to stay and wait, since Michael is out with Sabrina and will therefore probably be home by 7:00. Jason seems a little affected by being in the Q house, and immediately gravitates to a picture of himself with AJ.
Dante abjectly apologizes and begs Lulu’s forgiveness. Lulu (and the eight tons of eye make up that the stylists persist in thinking is attractive for reasons that remain a complete mystery to me BUT I DIGRESS) tells him that it depends on whether it was just the one kiss or something more. Dante immediately confesses that they slept together and grovels at her feet. JUST KIDDING! He lies his ass off because of course he does.
Patrick fills Sam in on Hayden’s condition. (Patient confidentiality? What patient confidentiality?) Sam’s excited at the thought that she might wake up and tell them who Jake is. She’s also still wondering at Hayden’s connection to Nikolas.
Monica and Jason hang out, eating snacks and talking about her dead kids. As you do. I would complain about the contrivance, but I’m still way too happy that Monica’s finally a part of this story.
Lucky comes downstairs after putting Aiden to bed with a story. Hilariously, Luke and little Jake have now just been standing around twiddling their thumbs outside for at least twenty minutes. (Do you think Luke showed him the spot on the road where he ran him down yet? Good times.) Elizabeth gives Lucky the good news about how Josslyn is cancer-free now, which gives him a natural segue to finally drop the Jake bomb.
IT DOESN’T GO WELL.
Elizabeth is in furious denial until Lucky tells her Jake is waiting right outside. Luke brings him in and they have an emotional reunion which is only slightly spoiled by the fact that the little kid playing Jake is just not a good actor at all. I mean, I understand why they brought him back for this but, either we’re supposed to think this kid is kind of a sociopath or he has the emotional range of a turnip.
Monica tells Jason his own origin story: blah blah, at first she wanted nothing to do with him but then she realized he was the second coming. I will say this: the line about the last time she ever saw Jason Quartermine felt a lot like foreshadowing, and I am super happy that they’ve chosen to build up his Quartermaine connections over his relationship with Sonny. If Jason gets his memory back and chooses to retain some of his Jason Q qualities, it will almost make all of this crap worthwhile. Almost.
Meanwhile, Laura’s over at Wyndemere to update Nikolas on all the recent family drama. He reacts to the news that his presumed dead nephew has been found alive on his own island with all the enthusiasm of someone who’s just found a missing sock under the couch. Laura thinks it’s just too bad Jason isn’t alive to see it. Nikolas’ constipation face intensifies.
Jason meanwhile, is telling Monica that based on everything he’s heard about himself, he was clearly a Good Man. Monica tearfully agrees. Uh, guess you didn’t hear about the part where he killed people for money, then, huh?
Liz is slightly overwhelmed, so Luke distracts Jake with toys while she and Lucky go outside to decompress. I love that Jake straight up doesn’t not give a crap about any of this. “Oh, this random guy just showed up and told he he’s my father? Oh, I’m leaving the only home and people I know? Oh, this strange lady is crying and saying she’s my mother? BUT ARE THERE VIDEO GAMES?”
Elizabeth keeps thinking she’ll wake up and find out it was all a dream. Girl, I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and realize this whole plot is just a desperate Liason fanfic. She and Lucky hug and cry and can’t believe they have their son back.
Jason finally gets up to leave, since apparently Michael is getting lucky tonight after all. Monica apologizes for wasting his time, but he sincerely assures her that talking to strangers about the town saint is his favorite pastime.
Liz thanks Luke for bringing her son back, and they share a nice moment:
ELIZABETH: You know, you used to intimidate me.
LUKE: Really? I hope that’s not still the case.
ELIZABETH: After everything we’ve been though, Luke…
LUKE: You know, for such a tiny little thing, you have awesome resilience.
Luke tells her she has a second chance, which is rare, and not to give up on happiness when she finds it.
Lulu is furious with Dante, but Dante says that he initiated the kiss and Valerie isn’t to blame. He would also really like to pretend the whole thing never happened. The entire audience agrees wholeheartedly.
Meanwhile, Jordan tells Valerie that she needs to pull up her big girl panties and deal with this situation like a professional adult. Somehow, I don’t see that happening.
Luke heads off to find Tracy. But he stops on the porch for a heart-to-heart with his firstborn about what’s been bothering him. Lucky tearfully confesses that he’s tired of running and wants to be there for his kids, but he’s terrified of the “darkness” that lives inside of him, the same way it did in Luke. I’m honestly trying to take this all seriously because I really want Lucky not to be a deadbeat dad for no reason. But whenever he or Luke starts talking about their dark side, all I keep picturing is this:
ANYWAY. Luke gives him a pep talk and tells him that honestly facing the “demon” inside him is the only way to beat it. It’s all super vague, new age mumbo jumbo, but Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson still have enough of a connection to almost sell it.
LUKE: My God, I love you.
LUCKY: I love you too, Dad.
LUKE: Now you do me a favor. If this battle gets bloody and you get weary, let me know. Let me know, son. And I will be there [snaps fingers] like that.
LUCKY: Maybe next time I’ll rescue you instead.
LUKE: You already have.
After Luke leaves, Lucky takes off to go update Laura on how things went with bringing Jake home. Because once again, no one on soap operas can just use a freaking phone. But he assures Elizabeth that this isn’t goodbye. I really hope they recast Lucky after this. Enough is enough. If they need some room in the budget, I have some suggestions for people who could be cut. Rhymes with “Cranko” and “Shrieky.”
Luke walks into the Q’s, having taken the time to change into a suit. Monica screams for Alice to kick him out, but he just wants to know where Tracy is.
Lulu tells Dante that she wants to forget the past few weeks as well. But she’s not quite ready to kiss him yet. As soon as she leaves the room, he calls Valerie to let her know exactly what Lulu knows — and doesn’t know. She assures him she’ll keep his secret.
Laura finally notices Nikolas is acting like someone shot his dog, which is an odd response to happy news. He claims to be upset over Jason not being there to see his son, and almost seems like he might be about to confess the truth… when Lucky walks in.
Elizabeth and Jake are talking about the stuff that really matters, like what his life’s been like these past five years and who took care of him all that time and how she thought he was dead. JUST KIDDING. They’re talking about motorcycles, because this kid had exactly one personality trait before he “died” and they are going to beat that drum for the rest of time. Right on time, big Jake walks in. DUN!