Friends, viewers, countrymen… where to start with last two days? Let’s all just take a moment and think about the fact that with the ratings in the toilet, someone — most likely multiple someones — got together and decided giving Hayley Erin material in which she had to convey realistic human emotion was a good idea.
Really think about that.
YEAH. THAT HAPPENED.
On the other hand, if the show’s not going to be good, it’s nice that it’s at least hilariously bad? And I can honestly say I enjoyed the scenes of Kiki reacting to Silas’ dead body more than I’ve ever enjoyed any other scene with either of those two characters.
There were so many amazing parts to those scenes! Like Kiki having the stunning revelation that Franco just might not be a good person after all. Bear in mind this is a serial killer who, in the time that he’s known her, has knifed his own mother, threatened to kill her boyfriend’s mother, and helped kidnap her infant sister, and also that this is the SECOND time she’s had this revelation. (The first being during said kidnapping, when she caught him about to go causally murder an innocent witness. Bygones!)
Or like the memorial tour through Michael Easton’s worst hair disasters. I’m not sure what’s sadder — that they thought a reminder of Silas at his ugliest and douchiest would make the audience sentimental, or that this crappy character got double the amount flashbacks that freaking Luke Spencer did.
But the most AMAZING part of all was the sheer volume of Hayley Erin’s screams. Kind of like a basket of baby bunnies being murdered? I tried to transcribe some of the dialog from this scene, but since it was all either incoherent mumbling or a level of shrieking beyond ALL CAPS, there really was no way to do it justice in mere text. This picture pretty accurately captures the essence of the performance, though:
ACTING! HER! BALLS! OFF!
I assume the stage directions in the script for that day instructed her to dislocate her jaw to keep her mouth open as wide as possible at all times.
Meanwhile, Kiki’s loving boyfriend spent most of the last two episodes giving his sulky duck lips a work out while whining about how unfair it is that being a dick makes people treat him like a dick. I think my favorite thing about Morgan is how much everyone in his family knows what a loser he is. I mean, his mother’s pep talk involved telling him: 1) he’s a liar, 2) he’s not even a good liar, 3) nobody likes him:
CARLY: You’re so much like me, I don’t trust you right now.
MORGAN: You are being so unfair right now.
CARLY: I used to lie to anyone about anything and feel completely justified. And I was good at it. I was better than you — I was convincing! And you know what that got me? Nothing. I was an outcast and no one trusted me. Except for Jason. He was my true friend and there as nothing I could do that would push him away. You got a friend like that?
That’s just mean, Carly. You know Morgan doesn’t have any friends, much less a ride or die one. Come on.
Anyway, I assume none of the three suspects we’ve been given is actually guilty, but I’m still kind of hoping it’s Morgan. Both because actually killing a man to keep his shitty secret from his shitty girlfriend is totally in character, and also because the schadenfreude of someone Kiki loves killing her father would be delicious. I hope Michael just laughs and laughs and then finds out who the killer is and keeps it from her for no reason for months.
Finally, I’d be remiss in not mentioning the pièce de résistance of crapitude, i.e. the return of the Five Families, terrible Russian stereotype day players, and Maurice Bernard thinking he’s a believable badass:
Bob Guza got a giant boner this afternoon and had no idea why.