The answer to this and so many other pressing questions — is this show ever going to stop trying to make Kiki happen? Will Maura West lose that godawful wig before I go insane? Are Anna and Jordan going to make out any time soon? — is sadly, tragically: no.
The latter is extra tragic, because how super adorable was Anna and Jordan’s reunion on Friday? SO SUPER ADORABLE.
I refuse to believe that all that business with Jordan pushing Anna to get serious with Sloane was anything but a cover for how much she wants to date Anna instead. JE REFUSE.
I don’t know why the powers that be think that All Sonny All the Time will cure this show’s many, many problems when all I want in the world is for awesome lady detectives to go out and detect stuff and also make out every now and then. It’s a true mystery.
Speaking of Sonny, the hilarity of someone proclaiming that he “will never let anything happen” to someone he cares about juxtaposed with that person immediately getting kidnapped will never get old. Except for how it got old twenty years ago and how does anyone say those lines with a straight face? ALSO, I CANNOT BELIEVE MICHAEL GAVE THAT BABY BACK TO THIS DOUCHE.
Outstanding role model for children!
But I don’t want to make it seem like it’s all bad. I mean, 99.9% of the show is still either boring or terrible. (Or both! So much both!) But on the plus side, I’m pretty sure Julian almost went down on Alexis on camera the other day? So… that’s something?
And also we got this scene:
I know it’s just set up for everything blowing up in her face when the truth about her and Dante comes out, but it’s still really nice to see Valerie actually interacting with other members of her family. You know, the people she supposedly stayed in town to get to know better?
Especially because everything else about her introduction has been so botched. Nothing about Valerie’s insta-attraction with Dante has been believable, and her isolation on the canvas didn’t help me care about her. (What was the point of moving her into Wyndemere when she barely interacted with Nikolas while she was there?) Instead of spending months moping around making moony eyes at Dante, she should have been helping Carly plan her wedding, talking Lucas through his relationship woes, spending time with Bobbie, actually bonding with Lulu to make her eventual betrayal actually mean something.
The worst part is there have been so many missed opportunities for soapy exposition about wacky Spencer family history. Carly casually explaining that she’s marrying a mob kingpin for the fifth time! Bobbie reminiscing about Carly coming to town to steal her husband or that time Luke saved the world from Nikolas’ grandfather! Maxie getting introduced not as Lulu’s psycho BFF, but as the recipient of BJ’s heart. I live for that stuff and we got none of it!
Anyway, Valerie’s obviously pregnant and that’s obviously going to be awful. But in the meantime, I’m just going to enjoy the belated Spencer family bonding they’re finally letting her have. One more month until the new writers fix everything, right? RIGHT?