This week on… oh, who cares?

Just for a change of pace, I wanted to talk about the one story line I don’t actively hate right now. Unfortunately, Brad and Lucas seem to live in some sort of time bubble that only allows them to appear for one day every other month, so we’re stuck with the rest of this mess instead.

Hayden and Nikolas2

Hayden and Nikolas3

Hayden and Nikolas are now going on a cutesy flirty dates at the Floating Rib! I have so many questions about this development. Like what hair color is Rebecca Budig using, because it really looks fantastic! Also, why doesn’t Hayden seem concerned in the slightest about her lack of memory? Oh, and we seriously supposed to be rooting for a romance between an amnesiac nymphomaniac and the man who had her shot in the head?

Unfortunately, the answer that last one is yes, and we should all quit bitching about it because Luke raped Laura and that was a totally fine and non-controversial choice that was in no way a product of its time and made possible solely by two actors with a whole lot more natural chemistry than Tyler Christopher and Rebecca Budig.

Hayden and Nikolas

Look, writers. I want to like Hayden, if only because she is clearly not going anywhere. But if a charismatic actress with fabulous hair was enough to make a character interesting, then I would also care a lot more about Nina and Ava than I do. Hayden’s been around for the better part of a year now — why is she so isolated on the canvas? Why hasn’t she attempted to track down her old life or had any contact with people she knew before, like Ric? Her sole character motivation before the coma seemed to be greed and having sex with anything that moved. Now she barely seems to care about anything at all. She’s less a character than a blank sheet of paper.

Fix it. And for god’s sake, find her a love interest that hasn’t already tried to murder her. I feel like that’s a pretty low bar, even for this show.

Dillon Lulu fantasy

Meanwhile, Maxie and Dillon attempted to shoot a love scene, and if you weren’t cringing in embarrassment through everything to do with that, then we are very different people. He also finally came clean about his giant boner for Lulu. Yay?

(FYI, ladies? If a guy ever casts you in his “movie” even though you have no acting experience and then casts himself as the other lead even though he isn’t an actor either, and the first scene is a sex scene being filmed in the back room of a deserted casino boat and there are only two other guys and his sketchy friend who’s “documenting” it with a handheld camera? There is a significant chance you are actually just starring in this dude’s porno.)

Dillon and Maxie

DILLON: You’re not gonna say anything to  Lulu, are you?
MAXIE: As if. This is not my circus, Dillon. And however inappropriate your feelings, they’re totally understandable.

Actually, no. It’s not. First of all, can we stop pretending that Dillon and Lulu were some great lost love for the ages? She lied to him to manipulate him into cheating on his wife; he bullied and badgered her when she wanted an abortion. They were stupid, selfish, shitty teenagers, and then they didn’t speak for 8 years.

But even if I had been a fan of them in their original incarnation, when both actors have been recast and their characters haven’t had contact for almost a decade, the writing needs to basically build the relationship as if it’s a brand new relationship. Instead Dillon’s been making soppy moony eyes at her since the second he got back to town. They didn’t want to do the work and the result is I find his infatuation completely unbelievable.

I mean, not quite as unbelievable as Paul Hornsby — aka the most boring man alive — revealing himself as the new big bad… but again, that is a low bar, even for this show.

Yeah, that Paul Hornsby. I KNOW.

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14 thoughts on “This week on… oh, who cares?

  1. I keep reading your recaps hoping that you’ll announce that the show has done a great soapy twist to undo ………basically every thing. And they make me laugh.
    The whole Dillon, Georgie, Lulu mess still upsets me. I loved the Dillon/Georgie romance. I’ve never been a big believer of the whole happy couples are boring school of thought. But if they are going to implode the couple I wish it was in a way that respected the story, characters, and fans. All of a sudden it was Georgie who?

  2. i agree, i always thought that happy ouples could be interesting, but nope…not them

    we have to have the nails on a chalk board val and dillon, and now this stuff with lulu…

    yes they should have built them up more…..then they have, and all that..

    and i wanted ot like paul, but now so what, he’s the new big bad at the mob, i’ve lost interest in that, gee since robert arrested burt ramsey….

    ho hum….

    you know what would have been more interesting was if we found out that burt had a son or daughter who was trying to get back at anna, or something like that…

    but not this

    and yes where is brad and lucas, and his um wife……

    susan

  3. Someone mentioned they drink wine when they watch this show; I’m not a huge drinker so what do you recommend? I’m hoping that will make the transition smooth, and help to revitalize my vitals or whatever medical jargon there is that I probably should know after watching a show for 7 years.

    • Here are the official GH alcohol survival drinking guidelines endorsed* by this site:

      Nina, Franco and/or Kiki are on screen: roll your eyes, take a big gulp of two buck chuck, and press the fast forward button
      Elizabeth swears she’s going to tell Jake the truth and then does the exact opposite of that: sigh deeply and down a glass of dry riesling
      Valerie/Dillon/Lulu/Dante whine about their feelings: have a whole bottle of nice pino noir and look up pictures of cute animals on the internet
      The Five Families appear: go into the kitchen to make yourself a vodka cocktail; hope the scene will be over by the time you get back
      Michael calls Sonny a good father: cry angry tears, swear your vengeance, take a shot of tequila

      *We do not actually endorse these.

  4. “Unfortunately, the answer that last one is yes, and we should all quit bitching about it because Luke raped Laura and that was a totally fine and non-controversial choice that was in no way a product of it’s time and made possible solely by two actors with a whole lot more natural chemistry than Tyler Christopher and Rebecca Budig”

    Ah, you saw that, huh? Gotta love how the actors reference a love story that Tony Geary has spent the last 15 years trying to his best to decimate.

    I can fanwank that Dillon came to town lonely, met up with Lulu, saw what she had with her husband and son and starting mixing up his feelings for wanting what she had with having feelings for her. I can’t really buy Maxie being like “no no it’s cool I won’t tell Lulu even though you’re parked on her casino boat”. I also don’t buy her not being all “wtf, dude, you cheated on my sister with Lulu, and now you’re hanging out with her again when *she’s* married?”

    • It frustrates me because I’ve wanted them to bring Dillon back for so long. And they’ve just thrown him into this lazy retread of what was a truly terrible story the first time around.

  5. Given that they’ve messed up the fact that Dillon actually was in Port Charles for Georgie’s funeral, I can’t be too surprised that the writers have Maxie acting so cool about Dillon’s lust for Lulu. I find it hard to believe that Dillon has been carrying a torch for Lulu all this time. Scott Clifton’s Dillon maybe but not this newbie who seems far too self-confident and cocky to have pined for a girl he barely had a relationship with. I also agree with your opinion of Hayden. I find it hard to understand why both Jake and Hayden have no problem with the fact that they have no memories and are content to just live their new lives without question. You would think that Hayden would have questioned Rick thoroughly. It might actually give Rick something to do other than be a punching bag for Sonny and his kin. And wasn’t Hayden married before? Where is that dude?

  6. I’m still annoyed they had Nik shoot Hayden in the head in the first place. I thought they had interesting chemistry, the whole bad-girl who is unashamed about enjoying sex and the prince, who *is* pretty uptight. But I can’t really ignore the shooting – just like I can’t ignore the rape… but I guess at least that’s been addressed on screen a number of times? While Hayden’s got no memory and doesn’t know Nik shot her, I’m not comfortable with this at all. Once she’s aware of what happened, if she still decides to pursue a relationship with him then I’m less iffy about it, I’ll just think she’s dumb. Either way – ruined.

  7. It’s like my body was rejecting the thought of watching GH during the week, so I watched all five epis yesterday. I am not okay.

    The only thing I can bring myself to comment on is what was that crap Dante spewed on Friday’s epi? Was he really complaining about not being the one to be able to step in for Sonny’s business (wtf) and complaining how Avery is being raised by a psychotic person??? The Corinthos Clan can hate it all they want, but Ava is Avery’s mother. If Sonny gets to parent her, so should Ava, even though they’re both terrible. No one else has a say (outside of the courts, of course).

    I won’t touch Michael’s double standard regarding Ava being a mother, making it inappropriate for her to run the Jerome Organization b/c…yeah.

    I would love to consume all the wine while watching, but I don’t want to become an alcoholic, thus becoming undeserving of life, per GH.

    I am not okay at all.

    • Oh dear. I cannot in good conscience recommend watching more than 2 episodes in a row, for the sake of your blood pressure and sanity.

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