In an effort not get completely burned out on these recaps again, I’m going to switch over to this format and see how that goes. Because, guys? I think this season might actually be good for me. I know, I thought that last year and then it all went spectacularly downhill. But hope springs eternal, etc.
1. So, Caroline and Stefan are still awkward and adorable! They’re also trying to be friends again but also unable to get past Stefan’s big confession of love. There is some sexy splinter removal, though, and in the end Caroline give this speech:
CAROLINE: Hey, Stefan? I am happy. You make me happy. My best friend’s gone. My mom’s dead. The whole town is destroyed, but when I’m with you… I’m happy.
And then they make out a whole bunch and I AM ALL ON BOARD THIS TRAIN.
(Also, Caroline is keeping literal hand-written diaries for Elena to document every moment of their lives for the next 60 years. Just imagine the excruciating reading that’s going to make.)
2. Meanwhile, Damon and Alaric have been on a summer-long drunk road trip around Europe, with Bonnie as their sober companion. Except it turns out Alaric has actually been on a secret fake-drunk “trying to resurrect my dead wife” road trip instead, while Damon was too lost in his post-Elena pity party to notice. Well, I’m sure that will end well.
Tragically, Kat Graham seems to be growing her hair back out and it’s in a really awkward stage. I am mourning for her cute bob already. Bonnie and Damon bicker and banter and there are three seconds where he contemplates letting her get run over by a truck to get Elena back. But then he remembers that she’s his best friend and “if anything ever happened to you, I would lose my mind.” OH MY HEART.
And then they decide to go kill some heretics together and it’s both a terrible decision and also the best for me personally? GUYS, I AM SO ON BOARD THIS TRAIN THAT I AM ACTUALLY THE CONDUCTOR NOW.
3. Over on the plot side of things, Mama Salvatore has been trying to ease her heretic family into the concepts of moderation and keeping a low profile. Unfortunately, they are mostly a bunch of mean girls who are disillusioned with the future and would like to murder everyone.
(But two of them are lesbians! So that’s… nice?)
The gang makes one attempt to kill them and when that fails, their amazing solution is to force evacuate all the citizens and surrender the entire town to the heretics indefinitely. That seems like giving up rather easily, but hey, at least they’re trying to give a crap about civilian lives this season? Anyway, that explains the deserted town and Damon’s Batman impression in last year’s finale.
4. Enzo continues to exist and be terrible. After getting told by both Mama Salvatore and Caroline to pick a damn side for once, he apparently chooses Mama Crazy and her murderous mean girls, because of course he does. Whatever, Enzo. You are the worst, as always.
5. The most intriguing thing was the cold open flash forward to three years in the future, where Damon seems to have gone into a voluntary coma to wait for Elena (WHATEVER, DRAMA LLAMA) and Stefan is being stalked by a nameless hunter woman who wants him dead. I have no idea what that’s all about. But I am interested in finding out? So that’s a step up for this show.
Next time: Caroline headbutts Enzo. Awesome.