Ah, the third try at a fifth wedding. What could be more sacred? If you answered “everything?” you are correct. But it doesn’t matter, because Carly and Sonny are tying the knot — again, some more — and we’re recapping this train wreck.
Carly wheels Sonny into the hospital chapel — where, you may recall, she is fully expecting to be crashing some strangers’ wedding for no reason — and instead finds Morgan, Michael, and Dante wearing tuxes. Gasp! Sonny asks if she’ll marry him right now.
Maxie’s on the phone down at the docks, making last minute wedding arrangements. Dillon paces and bitches about the time Nathan’s jealous freak out has cost them. Have I talked about how much I hate Kirsten Storms’ hair lately? They need to seriously dial back on the bleach and stop pulling it back if they’re not going to keep up with the roots. STOP MAKING MAXIE LOOK TERRIBLE, SHOW.
Nathan, meanwhile, is at the station, seriously contemplating a donut. Just as he’s about to take a bite, Valerie rips it away and throws it in the trash. Ryan Paevey reacts with possibly the most genuine emotion I’ve ever seen him display.
Back at the chapel, NuJoss comes in, leading Kristina, Lulu, Sabrina, Bobbie, and Lucas. Carly reacts to seeing her youngest child for the first time in a month after secretly flying solo across the world with the vaguely pleased surprise of a person discovering five dollars in an old jacket.
Meanwhile, Paul is at Ava’s gallery, trolling Anna by texting her from Sloane’s phone. Ava walks in, and he tells her he’s taken care of the Carlos loose end and also has some new business for her to take care of. Ava stammers — stammers — that she can’t help him. This is so weak, y’all. The Ava Jerome who first came to town would never be reduced to groveling in front Paul Hornsby, of all people. She’d have ripped his throat out and taken the tape back the night he first came to her.
Dante and Lulu talk about how happy Sonny and Carly look. Dante thinks Sonny has everything a man needs. A thriving criminal empire built on human suffering? Loyal sycophants who will defend him no matter how badly he hurts them? Dimples?
Valerie yells at Nathan for going to Dante with the pregnancy test before asking her about it. He promises to stay out of it from now on. Maybe I’m just desperate for Valerie to get a new plot, but I am way more interested in her friendship with Nathan than her obsession with Dante?
Over on the docks, Maxie tells Dillon he needs to get his Lulu issues under control. He whines about Lulu’s bad reaction to him kissing her in the middle of a conversation about how she doesn’t think of him that way. I fantasize about punching him in the face. Fortunately, Maxie spotting a corpse floating in the water interrupts his Nice GuyTM pity party.
Over at the station, Anna gets “Sloane’s” last text, promising to never bother her again. Jordan has called her in to answer some questions about poor, sexy, dead Carlos. Anna does a bad job of not acting suspicious, but they’re interrupted by a call about the body.
Ava appeals to Paul’s paternal sympathies, since she needs to be able to show the court she’s a better parent than Sonny and Carly. Considering a court already ruled Sonny unfit once, that seems like it would be easy, except that Ava is also a terrible human. Then again, she does have a painting of a giant dinosaur head. Can Sonny say that? No, he cannot.
Lulu and Sabrina have an incredibly contrived conversation about how good looking the Corinthos clan is. Sabrina smirks that they have good genes, although Michael “technically comes from different stock.” Which is an awfully casual way of bringing up the dead biological father Sonny murdered in cold blood, but I guess if Michael doesn’t care about that anymore, why should anyone else?
Lulu warns Sabrina that Michael is more like Sonny than any of his siblings and to beware of what she’s getting into. Sabrina brushes off her concerns. Shut up, Sabrina.
Meanwhile, Sonny’s kids stand in a circle, giving him their blessing and a tongue bath about how wonderful he is:
MICHAEL: You know, we’re here for you, dad. Any guy can have kids, but it takes a real man to be a father.
MORGAN: That’s what we have.
In case you were wondering, that sound you just heard was me throwing up in my mouth.
NuJoss is freakishly cheerful. And apparently plays the recorder? I guess a summer with Jax really does work wonders. Lucas tells Carly that she and Sonny “set an example of what it means to truly love” and that when he and Brad get married it will be her fault for being such an inspiration. A) Thanks for making me throw up again, show, and B) I’m pretty sure that’s more airtime than Brad has gotten in over a month.
Somehow, Maxie and Lulu have managed to wrangle up a completely new dress that fits Carly perfectly with about an hour’s notice, because of course they did. I can’t complain too much about implausibility, though, because the last dress was hideous. Everyone gets into position, but as soon as the chaplain begins to speak, Sonny cuts in and tells him to skip to the end so they don’t get interrupted again. Um, that seems like information you could have conveyed at any point before the ceremony actually began, but whatever, you rude asshole.
Sonny and Carly exchange all new vows apparently off the top of their heads, and it’s all blah blah, love, and blah blah, you save my life. In lieu rolling my eyes, I’ll just leave this clip, which, again, was only two years ago, and really says everything there is to say about this relationship:
Back at the gallery, Paul relents for the moment. Probably because he, too, is bored with watching Ava be reduced to sniveling like this. But he warns her to wrap up her custody case, stat. As soon as he leaves, Anna walks in to grill Ava regarding Carlos. Meanwhile, the body Maxie and Dillon found in the water is unrecognizable, but has Carlos’ ID. How convenient!
Bobbie congratulates Sonny and then has the nerve to gently suggest he make a change to his lifestyle before anyone else he loves gets hurt. Carly immediately apologizes for this terrible transgression of injecting reality into the proceedings.
Dante gets a call about Carlos. Sabrina goes into hysterics, while Carly’s face pretty obviously wonders if Morgan did it. Hilariously, he starts to throw a hissy fit in response and then promises to “be cool” as a wedding gift — but just this once! He’ll be back to full on rage monkey as soon as their special day is over!
Carly’s “crap, my kid killed someone” face has
been getting a real work out lately
After Morgan storms out, Sonny reassures Carly that he’s too stupid to have killed Carlos without getting found out. Well, that’s probably true. Sonny thinks Ava’s the one who killed Carlos to cover her tracks.
Josslyn wants to know where they’re taking her their honeymoon and Sonny suggests an Iowa cornfield, to her delight. I guess NuJoss is still a weirdo corn freak? But she’s lost that bitchy Carly edge, which is sad. I miss weird, mean Children of the Corn Joss.
At the station, Dante runs into Dillon and warns him to stay away from Lulu. I can already tell this confrontation is going to be an epic douche-off, but luckily, that’s saved for tomorrow. Elsewhere, Maxie’s having trouble giving her statement because it turns out finding a decaying corpse is a little upsetting.
When Valerie offers some comfort, talk somehow turns to the pregnancy test Maxie found in the trash, causing Valerie to freak out so intensely that she’s basically just guaranteed Maxie will figure out the real secret. Nice job, champ.
Sabrina tells Michael that she just doesn’t believe Carlos tried to kill Sonny. I mean, he did try to kill AJ and did actually kill Duke, but Sonny? She just can’t believe it! Meanwhile, Paul summons Anna down to the docks to give her the news about Carlos. Her poker face needs work.
Carly and Sonny lay on his hospital bed, talking about how different they imagined their wedding night would be. Ew.