1. So Tyler is apparently off with Jeremy now? I would kind of like it if everyone who leaves this show from now on gets a throwaway line about how they’re now off with Jeremy, until there’s basically an entire traveling circus of character cast-offs following him around off screen.
True story: I tried to save this cap as “Matt is dead
again” but I already had one with that name
Sadly, while his BFFs are off having adventures together, Poor Matty Blue Eyes is still stuck being the butt monkey of Mystic Falls. I so want this season to be a good one for Cute!Matt, y’all. And by that, I mean that I would like him to give all of these assholes the finger on his way out of town to a better, drama-free life.
2. Damon taking all the blame for killing that heretic to protect Bonnie! Is so super good for me! That is all!
3. Speaking of Bon Bon, I literally facepalmed when she left Alaric alone to destroy this season’s McGuffin of evil. Seriously, Bonnie? It’s like you’ve never even watched this show before.
(Also, the hilarity of one character who’s come back from the dead asking another character who’s come back from the dead if he’s crazy to think it might be possible to talk to his dead wife was pretty great. Oh, Vampire Diaries. Why do you even bother to have funerals anymore in this town? The only place where people stay less dead is Port Charles.)
4. Meanwhile, Caroline and Stefan are apparently heading into a Dark Angel rip-off wherein her vervain skin has literally become poison to him. Pretty sure my level of tolerance for this development will depend on how long it lasts, because this show owes me some hot sex that I actually care about after all the Damon/Elena banging it’s subjected me to.
Anyway, the non-lesbian heretic is obsessed with Stefan because of course she is. Oh, and after that whole hullabaloo about how they couldn’t visit with Elena because the tomb was getting spelled shut forever… it got opened pretty damn easily, and now she’s a comatose hostage. So I guess Elena is the second McGuffin of the season? I guess that’s one way to keep her spirit alive.
5. I have a feelings I’m going to get super sick of the flash forward device if they keep it up all season, but for now I am intrigued. Who is trying to kill the gang? Who is Caroline’s mysterious fiance who is not Stefan? If it’s Enzo, I swear on all that is holy that I will burn this show to the ground. TO THE GROUND.