1. This week’s flash forward features perhaps the most tragic death on this show yet: Stefan’s beautiful little red car! Which he torches for… no obvious reason. How would that help him escape whoever’s chasing him? WHAT ARE YOU DOING STEFAN? Put it into storage if you’re not going to use it anymore. Jeez.
Also, we get a cameo from Tyler — hi, Tyler! — wearing a power suit and not wanting to deal with Caroline and Stefan’s drama. I feel that, girlfriend. Stefan also makes a cryptic remark about his “scar” opening, and it looks like his shoulder is bleeding. Curiouser and curiouser.
2. And in a flashback, we find out that back when they were both human, Valerie (aka the Hetero Heretic) punched 16 year old Stefan’s V-Card! And poor baby Stefan’s baby heart was broken when she left and never came back. The sight of 33 year old Paul Wesley pretending to be a 16 year old is precious, I should add.
But it turns out Valerie didn’t return because she was knocked up with his baby… which she then miscarried after a brutal beating at the hands of Mama Salvatore’s shitty vampire boyfriend (and up and coming big bad), Julian. Blah blah, tragic thwarted love, blah blah she’s been obsessed with Stefan ever since.
3. Meanwhile, over in the present: Caroline is inexplicably threatened by the CliffsNotes version of this story, as if some nobody that Stefan knew for one day two centuries ago is somehow a more intimidating ex than Elena, his magical doppelgänger destiny dream girl. Seriously, Caroline, get a grip. You are better than this!
4. Also in the present, to perpetuate the fiction that he and Stefan are feuding, Damon has moved in with his boyfriend and wasted no time becoming a shitty roommate.
But he also walks around in skimpy towels and keeps Alaric’s murder stone secrets from Bonnie, so it probably evens out on the bad roommate scale. But of course the truth about the damn murder stone comes out, and Bonnie is way more forgiving than I would be.
5. Speaking of Bonnie, the three of them head off on a fun road trip to find some bargaining leverage to use against Lily. And meet the last heretic! Who has assimilated to the modern world amazingly well! And actually seems like kind of a decent guy?
So of course he ends the episode getting ripped out. Of freaking course.