1. Alaric and Caroline are engaged in the future. OKAY, NOW THIS SHOW IS JUST ACTIVELY FUCKING WITH ME.
Aside from the fact that they have zero chemistry — and possibly the most they’ve ever interacted was when he tortured her while he was evil — this is just gross. And I know that on a show where 35 years olds plays teenagers and characters celebrate their bicentennial birthdays, relative age gets kind of wonky.
But let’s keep in mind the fact that Alaric was Caroline’s high school teacher. He’s a twice widower and the adopted dad of her best friend. If we accept that age gaps like Elena/either Salvatore brother are acceptable because being turned into a vampire retards emotional maturity at the age of death, then Alaric is a grown ass man dating a 22 year old with whose emotional growth stopped at 17.
2. Oh, and also, she’s been mystically impregnated with his children without her consent! Yes, yes, Candace Accola is pregnant in real life. But forgive me for not being excited about yet another story where Caroline is physically violated with absolutely zero emotional follow through in the narrative.
(And if you think there will be emotional follow through, I invite you to remember that this is the same show where the main romantic hero spent several months repeatedly raping her in the first season with no repercussions to speak of. Yeah.)
3. Speaking of things that are gross, it has not escaped my notice that the only remaining non-white member of the heretic family has been given zero characterization besides the fact that he is literally speechless. The contrast was especially evident when he got a minute of screen time doing something other than silently glower in the background this episode. For the record, I am 1000% more interested in Silent Beau’s feelings about living in the future than the gaggle of generically nasty white girls who have been getting all the screen time thus far. But given this show’s track record with men of color, I fully expect him to be dead by Christmas.
4. Julian still neither interests me nor engages me as a credible threat. Are you really telling me that Stefan and Damon couldn’t have taken him out if they’d worked together? I guess we’ll find out, now that they have a surprisingly sweet murder pact. But still: that fight was weaksauce.
5. Cute!Matt is so damn done with everything. At this rate, I will not be surprised if the show ends with him killing everyone. Actually, I think Matty mowing everyone down with an uzi would be my preferred finale. Make a note, Vampire Diaries writers! YOU’RE WELCOME.