This week, on revisionist history…

Helena’s dead! Again! Some more! You’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excited over it when 1) she is clearly immortal, and 2) she “died” in the same episode where Carlos miraculously came back to life, proving once again that death has absolutely no meaning in Port Charles.

(J/K! Quartermaines stay dead forever!)

Helena has a bad memory

At least this gave the writers an excuse to get all the remaining Cassadines together on Cassadine island — you know, Helena, Nikolas, Sam. Wait a minute, wasn’t there another Cassadine? Maybe someone with a ton of history with Helena, who has hated and feared her for her entire life? Someone who’s been conspicuously absent from most of this Dark!Nikolas story, even though she’s so closely related to both him and Sam? Anyone? Bueller?

But no, why would Alexis by present for the death of her greatest enemy, or to see Helena curse her daughter? Where’s the drama in that, right? I certainly also wasn’t interested in seeing Elizabeth react to coming face to face with the woman who stole her child from her and made her believe he was dead for four freaking years.

Anyway, who has time for questions like WHOSE KIDNEY DOES JOSSLYN HAVE? when you can make the death of Helena goddamn Cassadine all about Jason Morgan. After all, there’s only so many hours in the day, and so much history to rewrite:

Liz can't even remember which terrible stuff she actually did

HELENA: Oh, you’re the player, Elizabeth. No, you tricked Nikolas and me into believing you were carrying his child, and that was a cruel deception.

That is an fascinating interpretation of what actually occurred on screen, which was Helena switching the paternity tests to make Elizabeth, Nikolas, and everyone else believe that Aiden was his. Does… she not remember that? Do the writers? Because Liz’s response was less indignant and more guilty and abashed and–seriously? Do we seriously need to start retconning even more reasons that Liz is terrible? Is it not enough to just deal with the terrible things she’s actually done?

Meanwhile, Epiphany remembered she has a dead son! And then… talked about him to comfort Sonny, the man who basically got him killed. Bravo, show? You sort of remembered history? But the best part — and by “best” I mean “made me sit up and scream ‘WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING RIGHT NOW, PIP?’ at the television” — was this:

Epiphany has lost her damn mind

EPIPHANY: I imagine your love is pretty powerful.
SONNY: What about when the father has hurt the son without meaning to?
EPIPHANY: Sonny Corinthos, you are definitely no saint. But I have never seen you hurt any of your children.

I mean, I suppose it is literally true that Epiphany wasn’t present to physically see Michael getting shot in the head for standing next to Sonny. Or Sonny shooting Dante in cold blood. Or Kristina nearly getting blown up by a car bomb set by Sonny. Or Sonny murdering AJ. But I’m pretty sure she treated at least half of them. So, in conclusion… WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

(By the way, which one of those was Sonny referencing? If you answered E) none of the above, then you are correct! He wasn’t feeling guilty about any of his choices and actions. No, he was upset about possibly the one thing that has ever befallen one of his kids that wasn’t actually his fault: passing on a genetic disease! So that’s… typical.)

The one bright spot in this mess was the truest line that possibly any character has ever said on this show ever:

NOBODY WANTS KIKI

CARLY: Nobody wants, Kiki, sweetheart! Okay? Nobody wants her.

Oh, Carly. From your lips to Frank Valentini’s ears.

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24 thoughts on “This week, on revisionist history…

  1. i even forget most of the time that sam is a cassindine..

    and the first part when they were talking about the missing cassidine, i thought they were talking about alexis….um, where is she in this story….shouldn’t she oh gee, i don’t know, know that the stupid woman might be dead once and for all……that kind of idea…..since step-mommy couldn’t stand her at all….

    and i didnt’ listen to her, because i never bought that mikos was the love of her life, i always thought that it was stavros’s dad…whoever that might be……stable boy, butler, town’s person, whatever…commoner, you want to mention…..

    and that’s the story that always should have been done….that stavros’ isn’t the real prince, that’s stefan….and that’s why she couldnt’ stand him, because he was really mikos’s son, that she had to marry…..an arranged marriage….you know that kind of idea…..oh and he really is nicik’s dad……now that story would have shaken everything up instead of oh, i’ll go along with stupid granny after all……boring….boring..boring

    instead

    susan

      • yeah….so why have her there, oh yeah, i remember, because jason was….so other then that…

        it’s stupid, writing….it’s not consistant, that’s why……

        they don’t remember how they wrote a story to save their lives…..and all that stuff….

        susan

    • Mikkos was the father of Stavros and Helena worshiped him. That’s why she cursed L&L and why she killed Alexis’s mother. Because he actually loved her and that would not be tolerated by Helena.

  2. This show is bound and determined to have Liz tamper with DNA tests! Ugh. Liz, Nik and Lucky had no idea that Helena tampered with Aiden’s paternity test until Monica suddenly (RME) noticed that the kid looked like Lucky’s baby pictures, but darn it the woman spent YEARS looking at Jake and was aware that Liason had sex nine months before the boy was born, and yet Monica and Edward did absolutely nothing to find out the truth!

  3. Alexis is so busy having sex with Julian and being jealous of Olivia that she has no time for Sam and her problems. I was amazed last week that she actually stopped by to hear the news about Jason since apparently she wasn’t invited to Liz and Jake’s nuptials. And I though the same thing about Helena’s comments but remember this is the show that had Maxie get all up in Dylan’s face about not coming to Georgie’s funeral when there is footage on YouTube that the writers could have watched that said otherwise. Is there no one on this show who knows its history? Shows used to have script editors whose sole job was to catch things like this. And I laughed when Michael said that Sonny always put his children first. That’s a laugh.

    • Georgie’s funeral when there is footage on YouTube that the writers could have watched that said otherwise. Is there no one on this show who knows its history? Shows used to have script editors whose sole job was to catch things like this. And I laughed when Michael said that Sonny always put his children first. That’s a laugh.

      that’s your key word there, they used to….now, they just don’t care….

      new writer comes on, they don’t do their homework, change alot of stuff, have us shaking our heads..heck even the same writer doesnt’ remember what was written last month, let alone what more then 10 years ago or whatever…

      susan

  4. I mean, I suppose it is literally true that Epiphany wasn’t present to physically see Michael getting shot in the head for standing next to Sonny. Or Sonny shooting Dante in cold blood. Or Kristina nearly getting blown up by a car bomb set by Sonny. Or Sonny murdering AJ. But I’m pretty sure she treated at least half of them. So, in conclusion… WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

    (By the way, which one of those was Sonny referencing? If you answered E) none of the above, then you are correct! He wasn’t feeling guilty about any of his choices and actions. No, he was upset about possibly the one thing that has ever befallen one of his kids that wasn’t actually his fault: passing on a genetic disease! So that’s… typical.)

    The one bright spot in this mess was the truest line that possibly any character has ever said on this show ever:

    which is why i can’t stand the guy….he’s never said he’s sorry for anything…..and until he does, he’s just a character that i’ll never care about

  5. Hold up, someone please explain to me the Cassadine family tree. I know Alexis is the bastard child of… Helena’s husband? But I get confused with Stefan/Stavros and which is Nik’s father. I watched semi-regularly when Stefan was around and I assumed HE was Nik’s father at the time but I’m not sure that’s actually correct. I also thought Stefan and Stavros were the same person for a while but that’s not right either. But if Stavros is Nik’s father than his embryos with Lulu are a whole new convoluted level of eww. And what’s this about one of them not being an Actual Cassadine? Regardless, there’s no way Helena is actually dead.

    I can’t with Sonny. I just can’t. He’s ruining my enjoyment of Carly.

    • Mikkos Cassadine fathered Stavros and Stefan with Helena (his wife), and Alexis and Kristina (her daughter’s namesake) as a result of an affair with an opera singer. Alexis was raised with her half-brothers on Cassadine island after Helena murdered her mother, while Kristina was hidden and raised by a different family. Stefan was introduced as Nikolas’ uncle, but they retconned his parentage several times. I believe it was finally revealed that Stavros was still his father, though.

      You can see a family tree here, if that helps: http://general-hospital.wikia.com/wiki/Mikkos_Cassadine.

    • he is his father…but i keep on saying that they should have made stravos not mikkos’s kid…..that he’s anyone but his kid…and that’s why helena loves him so much…..because she was really not in love with mikkos, she had to marry him…..and all that stuff..

      so she hates stefan because he really is mikkos’s and hers…but not a love child…see what i mean…by that…

      yes, nick was stefan’s for a brief second…….and all that…

      but…..as it now stands, mikkos had four children…who knows, there could be more….like this valentine that they keep on talking about, but never comes into play.

  6. Why must you make me sad so close to Thanksgiving? First I have to FF through Pip, because I can’t deal with her propping Sonny, then you insist that Q’s stay dead forever (LIAR! This latest regime change swore no back from the deads, and we see how long that lasted), and they way they did Helena’s “death” hid her fabulous legs.

    Now how many virgins do I have to sacrifice to have you do a “Things characters are thankful for” post? I’ll find them. Even if I have to go to a…crap, where would I go? I don’t know, but I’ll find them.

    • Things I Am Thankful For, for MD:

      1) Maxie has an actual job again
      2) there is no two, everything is horrible, and I am thankful for nothing

      p.s I expect at least five virgins for this comment

      • Not what *you’re* thankful for, but the characters. I know you don’t have hope, we all know that Hope is dead, Prospect Park got pissed and then went bankrupt. So only 4 virgins for you.

        • Maxie is thankful for Nathan’s abs. And so am I.
          Olivia is thankful that Julian didn’t react to the paternity news with threats to kill her and long court battles (looking at you, Sonny and Ava)
          Liz is thankful that Jason still has amnesia.
          Nik is thankful that he can’t remember that he actually used to give a rats ass about a lot of the characters on the show.
          Kiki should be thankful that anyone gives a crap about what happens to her because I don’t think anyone watching actually does.

          • After watching yesterday’s episode I wish Alexis had channeled her inner Cassadine and shivved Olivia before dessert. Hated seeing Natasha muted while Olivia hijacked her dinner in her own house. The real Natasha would have pushed her out the nearest window.

          • Virgins for Incandescent Flower! Off to the Black Friday Small Business Saturday Cyber Monday Virgin sale! (Or would that be better for Giving Tuesday?)

          • i’m not sure if my BIA was doing shop the neighbourhood yesterday (that’s what we call it here) at all…..there were no signs, no nothing…..they gave out bags and stuff last year…i think that htey said on the news, one of the other BIA”s nearby was a good place to be…but nope, not mine……and that is the BIA (business improvement area) that started it all…

            so here, i thought that it really stunk….i tell you

            this year’s shop the neighbourhood

            susan

    • just learn to read, the opposite…….

      they say we’re going to get rid of the mob…and look what happened….

      we’re doing this…….no backs…and they’re back..

      they all do it…they just lie about it, because it’s what we want to hear

      susan

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