Helena’s dead! Again! Some more! You’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excited over it when 1) she is clearly immortal, and 2) she “died” in the same episode where Carlos miraculously came back to life, proving once again that death has absolutely no meaning in Port Charles.
(J/K! Quartermaines stay dead forever!)
At least this gave the writers an excuse to get all the remaining Cassadines together on Cassadine island — you know, Helena, Nikolas, Sam. Wait a minute, wasn’t there another Cassadine? Maybe someone with a ton of history with Helena, who has hated and feared her for her entire life? Someone who’s been conspicuously absent from most of this Dark!Nikolas story, even though she’s so closely related to both him and Sam? Anyone? Bueller?
But no, why would Alexis by present for the death of her greatest enemy, or to see Helena curse her daughter? Where’s the drama in that, right? I certainly also wasn’t interested in seeing Elizabeth react to coming face to face with the woman who stole her child from her and made her believe he was dead for four freaking years.
Anyway, who has time for questions like WHOSE KIDNEY DOES JOSSLYN HAVE? when you can make the death of Helena goddamn Cassadine all about Jason Morgan. After all, there’s only so many hours in the day, and so much history to rewrite:
HELENA: Oh, you’re the player, Elizabeth. No, you tricked Nikolas and me into believing you were carrying his child, and that was a cruel deception.
That is an fascinating interpretation of what actually occurred on screen, which was Helena switching the paternity tests to make Elizabeth, Nikolas, and everyone else believe that Aiden was his. Does… she not remember that? Do the writers? Because Liz’s response was less indignant and more guilty and abashed and–seriously? Do we seriously need to start retconning even more reasons that Liz is terrible? Is it not enough to just deal with the terrible things she’s actually done?
Meanwhile, Epiphany remembered she has a dead son! And then… talked about him to comfort Sonny, the man who basically got him killed. Bravo, show? You sort of remembered history? But the best part — and by “best” I mean “made me sit up and scream ‘WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING RIGHT NOW, PIP?’ at the television” — was this:
EPIPHANY: I imagine your love is pretty powerful.
SONNY: What about when the father has hurt the son without meaning to?
EPIPHANY: Sonny Corinthos, you are definitely no saint. But I have never seen you hurt any of your children.
I mean, I suppose it is literally true that Epiphany wasn’t present to physically see Michael getting shot in the head for standing next to Sonny. Or Sonny shooting Dante in cold blood. Or Kristina nearly getting blown up by a car bomb set by Sonny. Or Sonny murdering AJ. But I’m pretty sure she treated at least half of them. So, in conclusion… WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.
(By the way, which one of those was Sonny referencing? If you answered E) none of the above, then you are correct! He wasn’t feeling guilty about any of his choices and actions. No, he was upset about possibly the one thing that has ever befallen one of his kids that wasn’t actually his fault: passing on a genetic disease! So that’s… typical.)
The one bright spot in this mess was the truest line that possibly any character has ever said on this show ever:
CARLY: Nobody wants, Kiki, sweetheart! Okay? Nobody wants her.
Oh, Carly. From your lips to Frank Valentini’s ears.