1. We finally see who’s hunting Stefan and Damon in the future! And it’s their mom! Only not really because Damon’s all hopped up on werewolf blood and hallucinating. We do get a quick blurry glance at the real mystery killer, and am I crazy or does she look slightly Elena-ish? Honestly, who the hell knows at this point. I’d be shocked if the writers even knew who it was.
2. Back in the present, Cute!Matt asks the most pertinent question ever: WHY IS ENZO STILL HERE? This is why you’ll always be my favorite, Matty. And then Enzo gets tranquilized by a team of mysterious commando hunter dudes and carted off in a cage and I’m sure we’ll never see him again! (Shh… just let me have this moment.)
3. Also in the B plot: Caroline is acting less totally fine with the her mystical pregnancy bullshit than last week! It’s sad have to be surprised the show might not be treating being impregnated with your high school teacher’s babies like it’s the best thing ever, but this is where we’re at with this show and effed up messages about consent. Anyway, that only got about two seconds of screen time, because this episode is 95% heretic family drama.
4. Speaking of which: turns out all those people who’ve been hanging out with IV bags in the high school were surprise guests at Nora and Mary Louise’s anniversary murder party! Which seems like kind of a lame resolution to that whole mystery, especially considering neither Matt nor Bonnie (who doesn’t even show up in this episode) get to be involved in resolving that plot line. In any case, Nora and Mary Louise get engaged and the music swells like these are actually characters we’re supposed to like instead of one dimensional sociopaths who we barely know.
5. Which is kind of the problem with this entire episode and the direction the season has taken as a whole. They both require that I care about the heretics as people, and I just do not. At all. Did you feel anything when they were all tearfully saying goodbye to Lily during the slowest, most ridiculously drawn out staking death? I mean, really? They’ve all spent every episode bitching about her and now we’re supposed to believe their affection?
Julian was literally just trying to force Lily to murder her own child and we’re suppose to give a crap about his love for her? He beat a pregnant teenager into a miscarriage! I don’t care about his feels! Meanwhile Nora, Mary Louise, and Valerie are all murder happy mean girls who spent several episode torturing Caroline — who, FYI to the writers, is a character I actually DO care about — just for kicks. So I’m not really feeling their pain either. I guess Beau isn’t terrible, but he also gets a minute of screen time each episode and Just. Don’t. Care.
Step it up, Vampire Diaries! You are boring me.