A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.
General Hospital 2015
DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.
JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job.
MICHAEL: Rosalie! I feel like I haven’t seen you in months!
ROSALIE: I know! That’s so weird, right? It’s like I completely disappeared for no reason.
MICHAEL: So strange! Anyway, I know we slept together than once and then never spoke again, but want to be my personal assistant?
ROSALIE: Wow, that was easy. I mean, yes! Sure! I will absolutely not betray you for reasons that will still be unclear a year from now.
MICHAEL: That was an oddly specific guarantee, but glad to hear it!
MAYOR LOMAX: Anna, now that I’ve been re-elected, I’m firing you and hiring Agent Sloane.
SLOANE: At last, all my nefarious plotting has paid off! Ultimate power is mine!
ANNA: Isn’t going from a federal agent to the police commissioner of a small town kind of a downgrade?
SLOANE: Wait, yeah. It kind of is. Why did I want this so badly?
HELENA: Nikolas, I’m so proud of you for rigging that election. At last, you’ve achieved ultimate power over one small town’s civic government!
NIKOLAS: Thank you, Grandmother. Now will you finally tell me what the League of Evil is up to?
HELENA: Oh, the usual. Raising the dead, brainwashing assassins.
NIKOLAS: Your ideas intrigue me, madam, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
FLUKE: Well, family, I want to thank you for coming out tonight. I think you’ll all have a blast.
LULU: Thanks, dad.
FLUKE: It’s going to be a real explosive time, if you know what I mean.
MICHAEL: I kind of don’t, but that’s okay.
FLUKE: I just think this party is going to be dynomite.
TRACY: Luke, stop punning. It’s making everyone uncomfortable.
JULIAN: Listen, Sonny, both our sons are in terrible danger!
SONNY: That’s it. We have to break out of prison to save them.
JULIAN: Whoah, don’t you have an entire criminal organization at your disposal?
SONNY: I’ve got Shawn.
JULIAN: You’re right, we have to break out and do this ourselves.
FRANCO: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
AVA: Julian, Franco’s on my side of the car!
FRANCO: Am not!
AVA: Are too!
SONNY: Franco, stop touching Ava.
JULIAN: Don’t make me turn this prison break van around! I’ll do it, I swear!
MICHAEL: I have to throw this bomb in the river so I can save everyone on the boat!
SONNY: No, I have to throw that bomb in the river so you’ll love me again!
MICHAEL: Seriously, get out of my way!
SONNY: No, it’s my bomb! Gimme!
MICHAEL: You know, in the time it’s taken us to argue about this, we could have done it already.
FLUKE: Yes! Both of my bombs have gone off! My whole family is finally dead!
DANTE: No, I’m okay, actually. The house didn’t even collapse.
SONNY: Yeah, I’m fine too. And I was three feet away from that bomb when it went off.
JASON: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m a brain damaged hitman, not an explosives expert.
SONNY: Take me to prison!
GOVERNOR: Nah, it’s cool. You’re free to go.
ANNA: Governor, multiple law enforcement agencies have spent 20 years trying to put this man away!
GOVERNOR: I know, but I really think it will help my reelection prospects to pardon the biggest Don on the Eastern seaboard.
MICHAEL: FLAMES… FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
JASON: Take me to prison!
PATRICK: Nah, it’s cool. An old lady who’s always committing terrible crimes said she put a mind control chip in your brain. You’re free to go.
SLOANE: Wait, seriously? Are we at least going to arrest her?
NIKOLAS: No, I’m just going to send her to live in a castle on her private island like usual.
SLOANE: Okay, why did I want this crappy job so badly?
JULIAN: Well, Alexis finally forgave me and the threat to my family is gone.
SONNY: And we’ve even sort of come to a truce!
JULIAN: Yeah. That was really nice! Anyway, I’m getting back in the mob. Just thought I’d give you a friendly heads up that I’m going to destroy you.
ALEXIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
SILAS: Ava, you survived being shot and falling off a bridge into freezing water!
AVA: I know! It’s pretty amazing!
SILAS: But now you’re dying of cancer.
FRANCO: Nina, I broke out of prison to save you!
NINA: Thank god! So you warned the staff that your mother was trying to kill me?
FRANCO: Oh. No, I overdosed on LSD. Your idea sounds better though.
ALEXIS: Mr. Corinthos, do you deny that every single one of your children has been kidnapped, shot, nearly blown up, or sent to prison at least once?
SONNY: Only an idiot would deny that!
ALEXIS: So how can you expect the court to believe Avery will be any safer with you?
SONNY: Jeez, what part of “because I said so” is so hard to understand?
JUDGE: Yeah, I’m giving Mr. Quartermaine full custody.
SONNY: Damn this corrupt system!
CARLY: Michael, how can you take Avery away from Sonny? You know that being a father is really important for his self-esteem!
MICHAEL: You want me to risk her life so that Sonny can feel better about himself?*
CARLY: Yes! Obviously!
*Actual show dialog.
NINA: Franco, I’m back! I faked insanity at my trial so I could stay with you!
FRANCO: But I was faking my insanity to stay in here with you!
FRANCO: Isn’t that hilarious?
NINA: FLAMES… FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
ELIZABETH: Jake, you’re finally free and I’ve realized for the hundredth time that Ric is an asshole. We can finally be together!
HAYDEN: Yeah, about that…
HAYDEN: So, let me get this straight. You want me to lie to an amnesiac, make up an entire false life, and live as his wife. Indefinitely.
HAYDEN: Why on earth would I do that?
RIC: Are you really going to get hung up on petty details like logic and motivation? Let’s just say you’re a destitute nymphomaniac.
HAYDEN: Works for me! Wanna have sex?
RIC: Well, that escalated quickly.
JASON: Look, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t remember you at all.
HAYDEN: Why would I care about that? Let’s have sex.
JASON: And I’m kind of in love with another woman.
HAYDEN: That’s nice. Let’s have sex.
NIKOLAS: I know you’re can’t really be Jake’s wife.
HAYDEN: Okay, you got me. Of course the only reason you’d know that is if you knew who he is.
NIKOLAS: Crap, I am really bad at this.
HAYDEN: So, you wanna have sex?
NIKOLAS: Eh, why not?
LUKE: So, funny story. Turns out I killed my parents and the repressed memories created a dark personality that periodically takes control and is responsible for every horrible thing I’ve ever done!
LUKE: I know! I can’t believe it took over a year to figure out something so obvious!
TRACY: So… you have DID, just like Connie?
LUKE: No! Weren’t you listening? I have a DARKNESS inside of me that manifests as an alternate personality. Completely different thing.
LUKE: It all makes sense now!
TRACY: Does it?
RON CARLIVATI: YES. IT DOES.
BOBBIE: Patricia, my beloved older sister that I haven’t mentioned in thirty years! I’m so happy I found you. But why have you never contacted us before?
PATRICIA: Well, after Luke murdered both of our parents on the same day, I thought it would be a good idea to ship you both off to a whorehouse and never speak to you again.
PATRICIA: Oh, look at the time! Guess I’d better die now.
VALERIE: Now that my mother’s dead, I’m going to stay here and get to know my new family.
BOBBIE: Great, I’m sure we’ll be sharing lots of scenes!
LUCAS: Really looking forward to having another new family member!
CARLY: And I have this huge house where you can stay and spend time with my kids!
VALERIE: Thanks, guys! For a second, I thought I might have to move into Lulu and Dante’s studio apartment and never speak to any of you! Wouldn’t that have been stupid!
SPINELLI: Maxinista! The Jackal has returned to reclaim your love.
MAXIE: What? Aren’t you madly in love with Ellie?
SPINELLI: Yeah, just pretend the last two years never happened.
SPINELLI: Don’t worry, none of this will matter in a few weeks anyway.
SLOANE: Jake, you’ve been undercover with the Jerome organization for three whole days now. How have you not cracked this case wide open yet?
JASON: Damn it, Sloane, I’m a hitman, not a spy!
SLOANE: Wow, it’s almost like blackmailing an amnesiac with no law enforcement experience isn’t the best way to solve cases.
JASON: Yeah, go figure.
SLOANE: Shut up, this job is really hard!
OLIVIA: Pregnant with a dangerous criminal’s baby again. If only there was a way to stop having unprotected sex with mobsters!
NED: No worries, I pretend to be the father of mob babies all the time. We’ll be fine as long as no one close to Julian remembers the last time we did this plot.
NED: I walked right in that one, didn’t I?
ELIZABETH: Ric, how could you think I’d forgive you for paying Hayden to pretend she was Jake’s wife?
RIC: Well, you did take me back after I locked a pregnant woman in a secret panic room in our house and drugged you into a coma…
ELIZABETH: Love is about honesty! And respect! How could you take my choices away?
RIC: I am totally going to throw this conversation in your face in about seven months. You know, just as soon as the writers remember I exist.
MOLLY: Dad, I can’t believe you’ve been scamming an amnesiac this whole time!
RIC: I know, honey–
MOLLY: Just kidding! I had no reaction to this on screen.
ELIZABETH: Jake is Jason? How could you keep this from everyone?
NIKOLAS: Oh, Elizabeth. Must we get bogged down in petty details like logic or motive? Can’t a man just betray his loved ones for no reason without getting the third degree?
ELIZABETH: So… what you’re saying is from now on, we don’t need an in character motivation for anything we do?
ELIZABETH: Well, that seems weird, but okay. GET READY FOR SOME CRAZY EYES.
SPENCER: I’ve been horribly maimed and I nearly killed Emma while having a temper tantrum. I could really use a maternal figure.
BRITT: Hey, don’t worry, I’m here for a visit–
COURTNEY’S GHOST: Nope, he meant me.
COURTNEY’S GHOST: I know, right? And people actually voted for this over Stefan Cassadine or Serena Baldwin. What a world.
OLIVIA: I’m going into labor!
SAM: Um, didn’t you conceive this baby on New Year’s Eve?
SAM: And isn’t it only May right now?
JULIAN: What’s your point, honey?
SAM: Nothing! Carry on!
JULIAN: My completely full term baby has mysteriously died.
ALEXIS: I’m so sorry, Julian.
JULIAN: And it’s made me finally realize that I need to leave the mob.
ALEXIS: That’s great–wait, what?
JULIAN: Yeah, my son getting shot by a mob rival and your house blowing up were one thing, but losing my baby to completely unrelated causes? Well, that’s really made me think about my choices.
JULIAN: Also, I bought you a house.
ALEXIS: You know what, I’m just gonna go with it.
MICHAEL: I really need a nanny for little AJ. I could hire a professional–
SABRINA: Or you could hire a nurse who was recently fired for trying to kill a patient!
MICHAEL: Hmm… that’s a compelling offer, but I don’t know.
SABRINA: Would it help if I told you the patient I tried to kill was this baby?
MICHAEL: You’re hired!
LUCAS: I’m so happy we’re engaged, Brad.
BRAD: Me too! Say, is bigamy still illegal?
LUCAS: Yes, why?
BRAD: No reason!
KIKI: Michael is letting Sabrina take care of Avery? I can’t believe he would endanger our baby sister like that!
MORGAN: Obviously, we have to drug him so he’ll do something reckless while he’s caring for her.
KIKI: It’s the only way to prove we’d be more responsible guardians!
KIKI: Well, Avery’s been kidnapped again.
MORGAN: Wow, that dramatic irony happened even faster than usual.
NINA: Why is everyone looking at me? I haven’t kidnapped any babies in months!
FRANCO: Sweetie, you just married a complete stranger.
NINA: Yes! To prove how sane I am, duh!
NIKOLAS: Hayden fell into coma just as she was about to tell Jason the truth.
ELIZABETH: What a lucky coincidence!
NIKOLAS: Yes… coincidence.
ELIZABETH: Why are you winking at me like that?
NIKOLAS: No reason!
LUCY: Duke, you’re obviously still in love with Anna. I think we should break up.
DUKE: Oh. Were we… dating?
LUCY: Maybe? I could never tell.
DUKE: Me neither.
LUCY: Well, it’s over now. Your death will be way more tragic if you’re back with Anna.
DUKE: Wait, what?
SHAWN: I’m so glad we’re on the same side now, Jordan. I totally respect you now that you’re working for the good mafia.
JORDAN: Uh-huh. Hey, when we’re talking about crime, could you speak into this recorder and enunciate really clearly?
SHAWN: Wait a minute. I think I know what’s going on here–
SHAWN: You’re having hearing problems! You know you should really see a doctor about that. The good mafia has excellent health insurance.
JORDAN: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.
ANNA: The love of my life is dead again and I murdered his killer in cold blood.
SLOANE: Is now a good time to confess that I rigged the mayoral election to steal your job?
ANNA: Let’s have sex.
SLOANE: Well, that escalated quickly.
JORDAN: Honey, I had to arrest Shawn. He shot a woman in the head.
TJ: What? I can’t believe this!
JORDAN: I know it must be a shock, and you have every right to be angry with him–
TJ: You’re not a mobster? I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.
JORDAN: I walked right into that one, didn’t I?
MADELINE: How is it that the one prisoner who didn’t participate in that jailbreak is the only one being punished for it?
RIC: Yeah, I’d love to help you with that, but I’ve decided to marry your daughter and swindle her inheritance instead.
MADELINE: I can’t believe the man I hired to steal my daughter’s fortune would be so unethical!
NINA: Do you hear that baby crying?
RIC: No, dear. Are you sure that’s not your guilty conscience?
NINA: Oh my god, my guilty conscience lives in the phone in your pocket!
RIC: Seriously? I mean, yes. Yes… that must be it.
LUKE: Family, I’m home! After two months of therapy, the doctors think they’ve cured four decades of crippling mental illness.
LULU: That’s great, dad!
LUKE: And I got this tattoo that reminds me of the father I murdered! To show how sane I am now!
LUKE: Spanky, I know I’ve lied to you, humiliated you, stolen from you, and tried to kill you. On multiple occasions. But if you give me one more chance, I really think this marriage can work.
TRACY: Do you absolutely promise to never, ever, ever, humiliate me in public again?
LUKE: Cross my heart.
LAURA: Hi, everyone! I’m home!
DANTE: Lulu lied about where she was going this weekend. This can only mean our marriage is over.
VALERIE: Don’t you think you should at least wait until you’ve talked to her before jumping to conclusions?
DANTE: You’re new around here, aren’t you?
LAURA: Holly, now that we’re alone, I guess we should talk about the elephant in the room.
HOLLY: You mean my affair with your husband while he was possessed by the dark spirit of his dead, evil father?
LAURA: Actually, I meant the fact that you don’t even remember your entire relationship with Bill Eckert. I mean, what the hell? How many drugs were you on in the 90s?
HOLLY: So many, you have no idea.
LAURA: Jennifer Smith? You’re the one who kidnapped our son?
JENNIFER SMITH: No, that was my dad. I just wanted to have sex with Luke.
LAURA: Girl. Wow. That is just sad.
LUKE: Frank Smith? But I killed you twenty years ago!
FRANK SMITH: Oh, like death actually exists in this town anymore.
LUKE: Fair point.
LUCKY: Jake is alive! So you see, that’s why I had to go along with Frank Smith’s plan!
LAURA: Oh, so Frank Smith took Jake?
LUCKY: No, he had nothing to do with it.
LUKE: But then why–
LAURA: Luke, just go with it.
CARLY: I can’t believe Jake is alive!
ELIZABETH: I know, it’s a miracle!
CARLY: But… whose kidney does Josslyn have?
ELIZABETH: No idea! Just go with it.
ELIZABETH: JUST GO WITH IT.
LAURA: You’re leaving again?
LUCKY: I don’t want to, mom. But what choice do I have? Stay here and actually be a father to my children? Be reasonable.
NIKOLAS: It’s cool. Jason’s their father now.
NIKOLAS: But keep it on the down low, because I have literally killed people over this secret.
LAURA: So why did you just tell us?!
NIKOLAS: Why do I do anything? What’s the meaning of life? What the hell is this darkness Lucky and Luke keep yammering about? All of these questions have no answer, mom.
DANTE: Valerie, I’ve made a terrible mistake. Lulu can never know we slept together.
VALERIE: I understand. But don’t worry, I’m going to be too busy with my new job to cause any problems with your marriage.
DANTE: Thanks for understanding.
VALERIE: No problem. See you at work tomorrow!
SAM: Nikolas, you’re behind the ELQ takeover? I can’t believe you’d do this to Emily’s family.
NIKOLAS: What choice did I have? Take over some other company? Live in a slightly smaller castle? Survive with only one private jet?
PATRICK: It’s kind of weird that Robin has totally abandoned her daughter and given up on our marriage, right?
ANNA: That’s just her crippling PTSD, Patrick.
PATRICK: Should we maybe try to help her with that?
ANNA: Oh, I’m sure she’s better off dealing with it all alone in a foreign country with none of her friends or family around to provide support.
PATRICK: You’re right. Let’s just ignore the problem completely.
JULIAN: Ava! You’re alive!
AVA: No, sorry. That’s an easy mistake to make, but I’m Denise DeMuccio, Ava’s identical fraternal twin that you’ve never heard of before. See? I’ve got dark hair and everything. So I can’t be Ava.
SONNY: No one could possibly be stupid enough to fall for this.
MORGAN: Oh my god, she’s right! Her hair is black!
SONNY: I walked right into that one, didn’t I?
MORGAN: Denise, why are you crying hysterically?
AVA: Your brother won’t let me see my baby. Um, niece. My baby niece! Who I’ve never met! And am totally obsessed with!
MORGAN: There’s certainly nothing weird about that!
AVA: I just feel like I’m going to die if I don’t see my baby. Niece! My baby niece!
MORGAN: Would my penis make you feel better?
AVA: Well, that escalated quickly.
SABRINA: Michael, I really think giving Avery back to Sonny is what AJ would have wanted.
AJ’S GHOST: What.
MICHAEL: You really didn’t know AJ, did you?
SONNY: Carly, will you marry me? Again?
CARLY: Sonny, you’re arrogant. You’re ruthless. You’re vindictive. You’re violent. And when you get angry, you can be really cruel.*
SONNY: Hahahaha. Yeah, I’m awful.
CARLY: But those dimples!* How could I say no?
*Actual show dialog
LUKE: Well, I’ve had my last scenes with Tracy and Barbara Jean. I even remembered I had a daughter for once! And now it’s time to say goodbye to the most important person in my life.
LAURA: Oh, Luke. We’ve certainly had our ups and downs, but I’ll always love–
LUKE: What? No! I meant Sonny, obviously.
SONNY: Hey, man.
HAYDEN: It’s nice being out of that coma, but this amnesia kind of sucks. Maybe it would help if someone could tell me about myself?
NIKOLAS: You like having sex with strangers.
HAYDEN: …that’s it?
NIKOLAS: To be honest, you’ve been really lacking in characterization so far.
HAYDEN: Well, that’s all gonna change! From now on, no more sex with strangers. Only moving in with strangers is allowed!
NIKOLAS: Much better!
DANTE: Mom, you can’t keep wandering around town. Julian is going to find out his baby isn’t dead.
OLIVIA: Don’t worry, honey. I’ve got the perfect cover.
JULIAN: Olivia, you’re home! And… you’ve got a baby. WTF.
OLIVIA: What are you talking about?
JULIAN: The baby. That you’re holding right now.
OLIVIA: I don’t see a baby.
OLIVIA: Nailed it!
NED: Olivia, I love you, but I can’t support keeping a child from his father anymore. Also Days of Our Lives has way better health benefits.
OLIVIA: Oh, Ned, I understand. But it’s fine, because Julian and I have come to an agreement!
NED: Sorry, can’t hear you! Health benefits!
KIKI: MY DAD IS DEAD.
MORGAN: How… terrible.
NINA: Yes. What a tragedy.
KIKI: OH, THE HUMANITY.
SAM: Huh. Silas was still on this show?
MADELINE: Out of curiosity, who gets his money?
KIKI: WHY, GOD, WHY.
PAUL: Tracy, after twenty years, I finally have an interest in our son!
PAUL: No, not really. I’m here to become the new mob kingpin.
AVA: All right, fine! I’m Ava Jerome!
KIKI: OH MY GOD.
MORGAN: But… you have black hair.
KIKI: OH THE HUMANITY.
KIKI: YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH MY MOTHER?!
MORGAN: Only because I thought she was your aunt!
KIKI: OH MY GOD!
AVA: Honey, I just tripped and fell on his penis, I swear!
KIKI: I’M GOING TO GO DRINK NOW!!!
SABRINA: My clothes have been getting tighter and tighter for the last five months. Which is weird, because I was throwing up every morning for a while, there. It’s a total medical mystery!
TRACY: Oh my god, you’re pregnant.
SABRINA: [knocks a lamp over with her belly] How can you tell?!
JORDAN: TJ, I know you’re still inexplicably angry that I’m not actually a drug dealer, but you can’t live with a mob boss. It isn’t safe!
SONNY: Relax, Commissioner. I’d never let anything happen to a child living under my roof.
TJ: Well, I’ve been kidnapped.
SONNY: Wow, that dramatic irony happened even faster than usual.
CARLY: Michael, I know you’re still inexplicably angry at Sonny for murdering your father–
MICHAEL: No, I’m over that now.
CARLY: You are?
MICHAEL: Yeah, seeing him get shot while endangering a teenager has made me realize how unfair it was to be mad at him for constantly endangering children due to his violent lifestyle.
MICHAEL: Also, I think I’m going to join the mob now.
AUDIENCE: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
PATRICK: Sonny, you’re paralyzed.
SONNY: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
PATRICK: It’s just medical fact.
SONNY: IT’S NOT, IT’S NOT, IT’S NOT!
PATRICK: Are you… throwing an actual tantrum right now?
SONNY: YOU’RE A STUPID POO POO HEAD AND I HATE YOU!
PATRICK: That’s it, I’m out.
LUCAS: Brad, it’s been four months. Can we please set a wedding date?
BRAD: Holy crap, we’re still on this show?
ROSALIE: It’s hard to believe, but so am I!
BRAD: Fine, I guess it’s finally time to reveal our terrible secret.
BRAD: No, not really. Check back in another six months. Maybe.
DILLON: Well, my five hundred page script is finally done! It’s the totally original story of a sad white boy and the manic pixie dream girl who breaks his heart. I’ve cast myself in the lead of course.
MAXIE: Oh, of course.
DILLON: It’s guaranteed win at least twelve Oscars.
MAXIE: Amazingly, this still sounds better than anything I’ve got going on right now.
PAUL: Ava, here’s the deal. I’m blackmailing you. You’ll be the face of my criminal empire, or I’ll send you back to prison.
AVA: Or… I could kill you right now and take the evidence?
PAUL: No, you can’t.
PAUL: The writers said so.
LULU: Dillon, how could you expose Dante and Valerie’s affair in public like that?
DILLON: Because Dante is unworthy of your love! And obviously humiliating you was the only way to show you that I’m the better man!
LULU: That’s it, I’m out.
DILLON: But we’re still cool to shoot my movie here, right?
LAURA: Elizabeth, you know how little Jake was kidnapped and spent four years living on an island under the care of a malicious psychopath with a penchant for brainwashing and psychological torture?
ELIZABETH: Uh-huh. What do you think of this wedding dress?
LAURA: And now he’s been uprooted to a family and home he doesn’t remember?
ELIZABETH: Oh, sure. That kid is a ticking time bomb of repressed insanity.
LAURA: Well, have you tried talking to him about any of that? Or maybe tried some therapy?
ELIZABETH: Sorry, what were you saying? I got distracted thinking about Jason’s eyelashes.
ANNA: Emma, what’s wrong?
EMMA: What if Sam’s husband comes back and she and daddy can’t get married?
ANNA: Darling, don’t be silly. People don’t come back to life. Except for your mother. And Duke. And me and your grandfather.
SAM: And little Jake. And Helena. And Lucky. And AJ. And Frank Smith. And–
ANNA: The point is, it’s impossible, all right?
SAM: Yes, right. Completely impossible.
CARLY: Stop the presses! Jake is Jason!
NIKOLAS: DEAR GOD.
ELIZABETH: THIS IS COMPLETELY NEW INFORMATION.
SAM: I walked right into that one, didn’t I?
PATRICK: Okay, the support group for presumed dead spouses showing up at weddings meets downtown every Thursday. I’ll get you a flier.
ELIZABETH: Jason, this doesn’t change anything for me! Let’s get married right now!
JASON: Honey, I love you, but I am legally married to someone else.
ELIZABETH: What, like bigamy is illegal all of a sudden?
BRAD: That is a totally easy mistake to make, believe me.
CARLY: Sonny, I’m so sorry I’m late to this hearing you rescheduled without telling me. I was in a car accident, and then the most incredible thing happened!
SONNY: I threatened to kill the mother of my child in open court and lost custody–
CARLY: Oh my god!
SONNY: –which is obviously all your fault.
CARLY: Wait, what?
SONNY: And coming to court covered in blood? Real classy, Carly.
CARLY: You know, I’m starting to remember why I divorced you four times.
SONNY: Jason! You came back to me!
JASON: Yeah, I gotta… go… now.
SONNY: Let me cuddle you to my bosom!
SONNY: And stroke your hair!
JASON: About that–
SONNY: Has anyone told you the Gospel of Jason Morgan?
JASON: I WILL LITERALLY CHEW MY OWN ARM OFF TO GET OUT OF HERE.
MORGAN: All right, Ava. You can have my beautiful body.
MORGAN: Just let my dad have custody of Avery and I’ll be your boy toy again.
AVA: You seriously thought I would give up my child to have sex with you?
MORGAN: Aha! I knew you never loved me!
AVA: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.
CARLY: Honey, I really think Morgan might have mental problems.
SONNY: Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?
MORGAN: YOU ALL JUST WANT TO STEAL KIKI FROM ME!
SONNY: Okay, he’s crazy.
CARLY: Nobody wants, Kiki, sweetheart! Okay? Nobody wants her!*
*Actual show dialog.
ANNA: Doctor, I think I’m losing my mind. I keep hallucinating this man I killed.
DR. MADDOX: Well, have you considered the possibility that he’s still alive?
ANNA: Oh, come on. Someone coming back from the dead? In this town?
SAM: Jason, I flew all the way to Greece to help!
ELIZABETH: No, Jason, I flew all the way to Greece to help!
SAM: I’m here to help more!
ELIZABETH: Are not!
SAM: Are too!
ELIZABETH: Are not!
SAM: Are too!
JASON: Um. Should we break this up?
NIKOLAS: Probably. They could go on for a while.
HELENA: Hello, Elizabeth. I suppose you’re here to confront me about Jake.
ELIZABETH: Um, his name is Jason now.
HELENA: No, I mean little Jake.
ELIZABETH: …Jason’s penis?
HELENA: Ew, no! I mean your son? Who I kidnapped? And made you think was dead for four years?
ELIZABETH: Sorry, this is just not ringing any bells.
SAM: You knew who Jason was all along!
ELIZABETH: No! That’s… crazy… I mean. What? HAHAHA.
JASON: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
ELIZABETH: Okay, fine! I did it!
JASON: How could you do that to me? To everyone that loved me?
ELIZABETH: Oh, Jason. I know it sounds crazy.
ELIZABETH: No, that’s all I’ve got. Sorry.
PATRICK: Sam, I love you, but we have to break up.
SAM: I know. I really love you too, but you’re right.
EMMA: No more girlfriends, daddy!
AUDIENCE: You know what? It is really impossible to make a joke about this.
JASON: The woman I loved has been lying to me for months. I’ve got a wife and two children I don’t remember. And apparently, I’m a career criminal.
CARLY: I know, it’s so awful, Jason.
SONNY: Yeah, it’s terrible. You’re too miserable to solve any of our problems for us!
CARLY: I’m glad you understand who the real victims in this situation are.
HAYDEN: Shawn, I have some good news and some bad news.
SHAWN: Do I know you?
HAYDEN: The good news is you didn’t actually shoot me in the head. The bad news is your record of never actually managing to hit anyone ever is still intact.
CARLOS: Guess what, I’m alive!
SABRINA: Oh, wow. Someone came back from the dead. Shocker.
CARLOS: And I can’t believe you’d let another man raise my child!
SABRINA: Um, weren’t you going to raise Patrick’s child and never tell him about it last year?
CARLOS: What’s your point?
NATHAN: Maxie, don’t you think it’s time you got a real job?
MAXIE: What? How could you say that? I am perfectly fulfilled by planning friends’ weddings and personal shopping–
NINA: Crimson’s about to become relevant again.
MAXIE: Oh, thank god.
NINA: I know I have no experience and spent the last twenty years in either a coma or a mental institution, but hiring an amateur photographer to take pictures of randos around town really seems like the best way to save this high fashion magazine.
JULIAN: Wait, I want this magazine to fail. What’s your excuse?
MAXIE: Listen, I’ve been unemployed for three years now. I will literally go along with anything.
DANTE: I can’t believe Lulu hasn’t forgiven me yet
VALERIE: She’s being totally unreasonable.
DANTE: I mean, it’s been like two whole days!
VALERIE: How much time does she need?
DANTE: And I apologized at least twice!
VALERIE: You’re a prince among men.
MICHAEL: The baby seems a little big. I think it’s obvious what’s really going in here.
SABRINA: Michael, I can explain–
MICHAEL: You’re having a gigantic monster baby!
FELIX: I can’t believe I was ever attracted to you.
LAURA: Honey, you’ve got kind of a crazy demented look in your eyes.
LULU: Don’t worry, mom. I won’t do anything I’ll regret.
JOHNNY: I’m on the run from the law, can I crash on your boat?
LULU: I need you to murder my cousin.
JERRY: Robin, you’re still not done with the one measly task Helena gave you? Boy, they just do not make slave labor like they used to.
ROBIN: She told me to find a cure for death!
JERRY: And now she’s dead! So good job with that, slacker.
MONICA: Well, the charity gala we just started planning last week is tomorrow. Do you think we should start sending out invitations?
TRACY: No, we don’t want to seem too eager. Let’s wait until the morning of.
MONICA: Okay. Hey, what’s that horrible noise?
TRACY: Oh, that’s just the sound of everyone who’s ever planned a real charity event internally screaming.
PATRICK: Anna, Robin is in trouble!
ANNA: What? How could you tell? Was it all those suspicious phone calls? The way she abandoned her entire family?
PATRICK: No, I saw a lady wearing a pin.
ANNA: Good god, let’s go rescue my daughter!
FRANCO: Hey, now that you’re also a town pariah, we should hang out!
ELIZABETH: I know I haven’t been mom of the year lately, but have your forgotten that time you KIDNAPPED MY CHILD?
FRANCO: Yes, and so have the writers. So get your dance shoes on, we’re BFFs now.
ELIZABETH: I am way too sober for this conversation.
SONNY: Boy, it’s been a pretty dark year, huh?
CARLY: Yeah, somehow even our family becoming the center of everything again hasn’t really helped.
SONNY: Well, here’s some good news for you — my paralysis has been magically cured! Everything’s coming up Sonny after all!
Happy belated New Year, everyone! May 2016 bring us all plot movement, characters actually acting like themselves, and about 99% less Kiki. (Yes, I know I said that last year too. HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.)