I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.
And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.
Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure.
Sonny having to accept a lesbian daughter! I mean, you know he’d care way more if it was one of his boy children, but still… Alexis and Julian getting to go to LGTB support meet ups together! The possibility of actual, real life lesbian action finally happening on this show! And Kristina is nicely positioned as a member of two central families, played (now) by a decent actress, who has been gone long enough and is at the right stage in her life for realizations about her sexuality to make sense.
If they don’t backtrack or mess this up, it will be a miracle. And Parker herself kind of seems like both a predator and an asshole? But I’m less interested in the pairing than I am in the long term story possibilities Kristina being either a lesbian or bisexual could open up.
Provided, of course, she doesn’t immediately join the population of mostly invisible gays that currently includes Lucas, Brad, Felix, and Felix’s off screen boyfriend. (He’s from Canada, you guys. You wouldn’t know him.) In conclusion: DON’T FUCK THIS UP, SHOW. I AM BEGGING YOU.
“No seriously, how much are we paying you?”
Meanwhile, over in the continuing trash heap that is Elizabeth Webber’s life, the Worst Babysitter In The World left junior psychopath in training Jake alone for an hour, in which she somehow heard absolutely nothing while he: 1) threw a rock through his living room window, 2) let Sam in the house and had a fight with her, 3) watched her tumble down the basement stairs, 4) came back upstairs again, wrote a goodbye note, and went out the front door.
(If Jake has gotten hit by a car on the World’s Most Dangerous Road again, and ends up needing a new face just like his daddy, I will honestly laugh and laugh and laugh.)
Sam, by the way, may want to rethink her choice to constantly wear three inch stilettos while chasing down bad guys, considering she cannot walk past a flight of stairs without taking a tumble. SENSIBLE SNEAKERS, GIRL. Look into it.
Also, all those extreme close ups of her unconscious face really emphasize how she is wearing roughly a ton of purple glitter on her eyes. Take it down, a notch, make up people.
As for Sam’s parents, the less said about the breastfeeding storyline (very feminism! much topical! wow!) the better. But at least it seems like the weird and awkward Olivia/Julian/Alexis triangle might be dead? PLEASE BE DEAD. I cannot take another scene in which Olivia attempts to metaphorically pee all over Julian — a man she can barely seem to stand otherwise — in order to stake out her territory, while Alexis acts like an affronted 14 year old in the background.
HOS BEFORE BROS, LADIES
And finally, Lulu and Dante signed their divorce papers and managed to squeeze some genuine emotion of out the moment, despite how bad the last few months of their story have been. Which is quite an accomplishment, because they have both become so terrible that I don’t even know whose side I’m on anymore. I guess Rocco’s? Maybe?
But this was still bittersweet. And Emme Rylan, who the make up department also usually does their level best to turn into a circus clown, looked amazing for once.
I’d be sad to break up with her too, Dante.
Anyway, I’m not going to say all is forgiven, because, among other things, Franco is still wandering around providing actual therapy to the actual children of his past victims, and they are actually now thanking him for it, and that makes me crazy in a way that I don’t think I can accurately articulate.
But, like… lesbians, you guys! On this show! It’s not Sam and Liz finally admitting their passion for each other, but I’ll take what I can get, you know?