It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).
Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true.
Also in the MetroCourt, Josslyn’s spent the day at work with Carly. Because she’s too young to be home by herself? I mean, this girl frequently travels back and forth from Australia on her own, but okay. Josslyn thinks spending the day at Sonny’s work would have been more exciting, seeing as he is a mobster and all. Carly is shocked — shocked! — that her daughter has figured out very well kept secret that she lives with the Don of the Eastern seaboard.
Speaking of Don Corinthos, he’s busy not getting struck by lightning while praying to God for help with his criminal empire. The Davis girls arrive; Kristina is pleased to see him there. Alexis? not so much.
Michael finds Anna at Chez Corinthos and stonewalls her about Sonny’s whereabouts. Why is this a huge secret? It’s not like Anna wants to arrest him. And even if she did, not telling her where he is at that moment wouldn’t stop it from happening.
Down at the pier, Morgan lurks in the shadows while Paul, aka the newly retconned undercover agent, promises to hand the money over as soon as he’s seen the goods.
Maxie is still freaking out about being late to the wedding. Considering the bride isn’t even dressed yet, she really shouldn’t worry. When Nathan puts on his holster, she wonders why he’d need it. Um, Maxie? This is Port Charles. More shoot outs happen in churches than anywhere else. Nathan stupidly agrees to leave his gun behind, but then they get derailed again by the discovery of a woman’s glove in his tux pocket. Scandal!
Nikolas and Hayden finish having sex again, and he again thinks they should get ready. She’s still reluctant, but finally gets out of bed, promising to bring back dress options for him to choose from. Girl, what are you doing? You don’t have time for fashion shows! Take a damn shower and put some clothes on! While she’s out of the room, Nikolas texts Sam to ask for an update on the investigation into Hayden’s past.
Julian thinks cutting his hand means Olivia’s vision has been fulfilled. Olivia is clearly doubtful and makes a bullshit excuse for Leo not to come to the wedding.
Back on the docks, Dixon, the newest big bad mobster walks away for a moment, and Paul, aka THE WORST UNDERCOVER AGENT EVER, takes the opportunity to call Anna and discuss all the hidden ATF agents that are lurking in the area, waiting for the exchange to occur. Morgan also continues to lurk. Somehow none of these lurkers notice each other.
Maxie interrogates Nathan about the mystery glove, which he claims not to remember, since this is a tux he hasn’t worn in years. They banter really awkwardly about his richy rich childhood before finally heading to the church. Nathan’s face could be hiding something, or could just be constipated. It’s often hard to tell.
Josslyn tells Carly that she’s always known what Sonny does, probably because she can read and also lives in this town where the mob is regularly featured in basically everything that happens. But not to worry, she thinks it’s cool! Somewhere on the other side of the world, Jax just woke up in a cold sweat and has no idea why.
Carly says she knew one day she’d have to have this conversation with Josslyn… and then proceeds not to say anything other than they’re done talking about it. Good parenting, Carly! A+ choices, as always.
To follow that up, she heads over to Kiki and Ava’s table and immediately begins angling for Kiki to forgive Morgan for cheating on her for the millionth time because he is a hot mess and she is literally his only friend. Ava cordially invites Carly to shut it.
Kristina explains that her wedding present is a truce between Sonny and Julian. Alexis asks for a moment alone with second baby daddy (which makes me wonder where baby daddy three is — is Ric even on this show anymore?) then points out that Sonny hates Julian and thinks their wedding is a huge mistake. He doesn’t deny it, but says that it was important to Kristina. They bicker about whether or not Julian is actually out of the mob, but Sonny gives her his word that he’s not there to cause trouble.
Julian has left champagne, roses, and a romantic letter for Alexis in the dressing area. She offers a drink to Kristina and Sam, but not Molly, who reminds her mother that she’s a woman now, because apparently sex makes you a woman? Good to know. Also: jeez, Molly. I’m glad you’re finally getting some, but stop reminding your mother that you have a sex life!
After they all exchange I love yous, Alexis kicks them out because she has to finish her vows as well as get dressed. Sure! There’s definitely time for that! I swear to god, everyone in this episode is in a different time zone from each other.
Outside, the church is starting to fill up with guests. Olivia is surprised to see Sonny there. They both agree to be on their best behavior. Franco and Nina enter, and the former is annoyed to see Sonny there. Well, now you know how the rest of the town feels whenever you show up anywhere, Franco. They bicker about his hatred of weddings and churches. Nina say he’ll have to get over it, because they’re definitely getting married in a church. Except Franco has no intention of marrying her. Oops.
Alexis reads Julian’s letter, which is very sweet and leads into a nice montage of their relationship highlights. Derek Wells! Gallery kisses! Tight black undies! That terrible belted blouse! Break ups! Make ups! Role play!
Sam, whose spectacular black eye has miraculously disappeared, greets Nikolas and Hayden and congratulates them on their marriage. Because apparently, she is now totally over Nikolas plotting for months to let her believe her husband was dead! Bygones! Nobody’s actions have any consequences anymore!
Kiki finally listens to Morgan’s message and immediately tells Sonny that his screw up son is doing something stupid and dangerous down on the docks. Just kidding! She runs out of the church to call Morgan back, who didn’t put his phone on silent becuse of course he didn’t. Dixon’s men quickly find him. Paul’s face is amazed that there is someone more incompetent than him on the pier right now.
Franco tries to explain that he loves Nina but has an aversion to marriage, leading to him basically shouting about how marriage ruins everything in the middle of the church. Julian makes a face like he’s wondering why his daughter’s sort of rapist is at his wedding. ME TOO, JULIAN.
Michael promises Anna that no one who works for his father would have any reason to be involved with any hypothetical arms deals going down on the docks. Carly and Josslyn come home, and Joss finds Sonny’s gun box lying on the ground. It doesn’t seem like she knows what it is, which — once again — seems like greaaaaaaaat parenting. (Gun safety? What gun safety?) Carly and Michael proceed to freak out, because of course the gun is missing and of course Morgan took it.
Sam continues to be way too cordial to the man who was willing to let her son grow up without a father so his own brat would never have to live without a butler. After giving him an update on the case, she heads over to Sonny and gives him an update on how Jake’s doing at Shriner’s Hospitals for Children(TM), which you might not have heard is a wonderful organization that treats children all over the country regardless of their ability to pay.
Lucas tells Brad (yay, Brad!) that he’s nervous and relying on him for moral support. Brad gives him something to keep his spirits up: a divorce decree from Rosalie! Lucas is happy but wants to know how he pulled it off, given all the drama about the terrible secret and ruined lives that would supposedly result from their not being married anymore. Brad launches into an epic explanation that totally makes sense and justifies over two years of hints and hyperbole and contrived plot points. JUST KIDDING! Julian announces the ceremony is about to start before Brad can say a word, and I bet you a million bucks we never actually get an explanation for the Rosalie secret. WHATEVER, SHOW.
Morgan blusters about how strong Sonny is and what a big mistake they’re all making, and blah blah don’t disrespect him. Dixon, like any sane person forced to interact with Morgan, just wants to kill him, but Paul argues that Morgan is obviously bluffing and it’s easier to let him go than risk trouble with Sonny.
Kristina, Molly, and Sam walk down the aisle, and even Molly manages a smile and a kiss on the cheek for Julian. Alexis walks most of the way on her own, but Julian comes to meet her and they walk to the altar arm in arm, which is nice. The girls take turns reading Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116.
Kiki calls Michael to warn him she can’t reach Morgan. Michael and Carly freak out some more. Adorably, Michael claims that Morgan won’t do anything unless provoked. Cut to: Morgan refusing to walk away, and instead pulling a gun on Dixon. Yup, sounds about right.