How many characters can NOT die in one episode?

Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.


Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers.

And yes, even Morgan, after doing his best to commit suicide by stupidity on the docks — and then by actual suicide on the hospital roof — is STILL GODDAMN ALIVE. As are Franco, Nina, Nathan, Hayden, and every other pointless person taking up space on the canvas. I feel I’m being punished somehow.

Not only are they all not dead, but we had to sit through a week of them not dying while listening to the idiotic posturing of Dixon, aka the lamest mob villain since Ian Devlin, plastic surgeon/hitman.

Dixon is the worst criminal

In service of giving Sonny his big “hero” moment, we’re meant to believe that a man who was supposedly a smart, dangerous international criminal: 1) was completely fooled by Paul, aka THE WORST UNDERCOVER AGENT EVER, 2) was nearly taken out by Morgan, of all people and 3) took time out of fleeing for his life to take an entire wedding hostage, just for shits and giggles.

And then, while learning the names and life stories of every single wedding guest with his back turned to half of them most of the time, he proceeded to ignore any offers to assist him with continuing to flee for his life in favor of playing mind games with Sonny.

But it’s cool, you guys! Because Sonny got to heroically stand up and Carly’s come to a startling realization that she will totally forget in a week. So totally worth it, right?

Carly has a realization

SONNY: Morgan wasn’t supposed to be a part of it.
CARLY: But of course he’s a part of it, Sonny, because he’s our kid! This was always waiting for him, the violence, the guns, the blood on the ground. All of it, Sonny. We made this happen. I just didn’t realize it until now.

Sure, she’s also “realized it” at least seventeen times over the years, including that time Sonny shot her in the head as she was giving birth to Morgan, and that time Sonny’s business got Michael shot in the head, and that time Sonny tried to kill Jax and and she shipped Morgan off to military school to keep him away from the violence. But I’m certain this time, the lesson will really stick!

This effing, effing show.

I don’t know what Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante‘s strengths are, but they really need to figure it out and start playing to it. Because big mob events and hostage situations are definitely not it.

Elizabeth redeemed

JASON: Look, we were friends before you knew who I was. I’m willing to bet we can be friends again. […] You’ve made amends. Can we just put this behind us? Can we be done?
ELIZABETH: Yes, I want that too, I do. I just want to get back to who I used to be. I want to be someone that you could trust again. And I want to trust myself.

Meanwhile, over at Shriner’s Hospitals for Children(TM), Liz, Jason, and Monica completely buried the hatchet over that pesky near-year long lie about his identity. Since they already botched the opportunity to have a really great, emotional confrontation with Monica after the lie came out, it’s probably for the best that the whole thing just gets buried now. Lord knows I’m ready for Elizabeth to start being Elizabeth again, and if there’s any way for her friendship with Jason to be salvaged from this mess, I am just biased enough to take it.

But I remain annoyed/infuriated that Nikolas isn’t paying nearly the price that Liz had to. I mean, in order for her to earn her soap redemption, she’s lost her relationship, her self-respect, her house, and nearly her child. She’s also prostrated herself in expressions of remorse to everyone in town. Meanwhile Nikolas, who’s never expressed any real regret at all and hasn’t lost anything, is not only invited to Alexis’ wedding but getting Sam to do him favors because he was stupid enough to marry a con woman? Are you freaking kidding me?

Curtis and Hayden

HAYDEN: He’s not like that anymore. He’s a wonderful man. He’s a good father to his son.

Speaking of Hayden, I neither like nor particularly care about her as a character. But the fact that we’re meant to believe she has now legitimately fallen in love with a man she knows had her shot in the head and is defending him with delusional bullshit like “but he loves his son!” makes both me and Curtis’s beautiful beard me incredibly sad. Girl, get to an abuse hotline and get some help.

This is what we’re getting from the “feminist” writers? Really?

Alexis and Julian wedding

At least Alexis and Julian’s vows were nice?

I don’t even know, you guys. Was this the worst sweeps ever? There’s been some stiff competition over the years. Cast your vote!


20 thoughts on “How many characters can NOT die in one episode?

  1. This is what we’re getting from the “feminist” writers? Really?

    sadly yes


    On Mon, Feb 29, 2016 at 12:57 AM, Despair in the Afternoon wrote:

    > tenillypo posted: “Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like > it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing > idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to > inform you that they are all still woefully, tragic” >

  2. Hey! Toxic Balls had Patrick. That alone makes it 10x better than this crapfest.

    Also Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante strong suites are a balancing out the crazies. They are usually paired with headwriters who need to be reigned in. RC and Hogan Sheffer come to mind. Alone? They are fillers. Their GH stint is shaping up to be same as their Y&R stint, which is to say BORING and reeking of network interference.

  3. Well it’s not like Hayden’s the first person to be in love with someone who either shot her or had her shot in the head. GH’s leading lady for much too young Carly was shot 19 (SORASED) years ago and is only now realizing Sonny’s life brings violence to his family.

    I spent most of the time telling Morgan to jump, even more so when fresh after being the hero at a wedding he should never have even been at, Sonny turned yet another storyline to being all about him.

    I did love Julexis’ wedding and their family being there. The letter, montage, vows and everything up to when it turned into St. Sonny saves the day again.

    • True, although as much as I joke about Sonny shooting Carly in the head, at least he wasn’t actually trying to hit her? I mean, their relationship has had many abusive moments, but that one was more stupidity than anything. Whereas Nikolas was straight up trying to murder Hayden AND she fell in love with him afterward, while knowing that. Unbelievable.

  4. I concur with everything you said. Overall it was an awful, awful sweeps. Network interference played a huge role, I believe, along with not so great choices by the producer and writers.

  5. lol, monkey flu was silly but there were a lot of good parts I remember. Including Lulu bringing the monkey into the house and Nik going, “yes, yes I see, that is a monkey.”

    • oh, and Carnival of Boredom was in Sept, so not a sweeps event. Plus it had Johnny, Dante, Patrick and Ethan getting adorably dunked into water, so it wasn;t THAT bad. :)

  6. I honestly do not know much about soap writers. Is there somebody that anyone would want to see get the job?
    Or maybe somebody completely new.

  7. Random but I had a dream RoHo was out at GH and it literally woke me from my sleep, I was so concerned! Afterwards I had to seriously evaluate my life and possible obsession with this show. That, of course, lasted all of two hours before I was back on twitter to see if my dream/nightmare came true lol.

    As for sweeps, I’m with you. It was probably one of the worst ever. Jean and Shelly do not have a creative bone between them. As evident by how many stories they’ve recycled from their Y&R days. Or straight up robbed from Guza. I don’t think they’re going to be with us much longer though. From what I’ve noticed the ratings are not any better than they were with Ron, and that’s apparently why he had to go, right?

  8. 1 – Toxic Balls was epic in its own way; don’t fight me on this.
    2 – Anything that would take out Courtney has my eternal high praise, b/c I thought it would never happen.
    3 – Honestly, I knew one way or another Sonny would get out of his punishment for murdering A.J. in cold blood. I hated the way it went down and it was super quick, but I expected it. Also, there was some pretty great scenery chewing I heartily mocked.
    4 – The Carnival (not sweeps but a big event, nonetheless) was iconic in that it spawned an entertaining musical interlude all about Jason, even though he walked past the ride that Kristina was buried under. Jake and everyone else getting hurt became all about Jason and his inner turmoil. Classic!

    For the aforementioned reasons, this sweeps is the worst yet, imo. Kiki still lives! I don’t get this. Everything Morgan did will be brushed under the rug b/c he had a manic episode. We’ll never have people calling Sonny and Carly (??? I can’t remember if she was there when Morgan confessed to going off his meds, so correct me if I’m wrong; but Sonny most definitely knew) out for knowing that Morgan had stopped taking his medication and letting him run loose. Sonny was so convinced Morgan wouldn’t hurt anyone or get anyone else hurt and that he just needed to hit rock bottom.

    This was a chance for tptb to get rid of the dead weight that’s not working, but they seem to continue to think that all these newbies are major characters. They keep trying to make “Fetch” happen. None of them died! In what soapy world do annoying, new characters who’ve had ample time to gel with audience and still haven’t survive?!

    And Carly can take her Self-Awareness Tour 2016 and stick it where the sun don’t shine. I can understand her still getting back with Sonny after the incident with him shooting her in the head, b/c in all honesty as you pointed out, it really was an accident and he didn’t mean to shoot her. That said, the fact that she didn’t get it when Michael had a bullet in his brain, or when she sent Morgan to away to school under a different name so he wouldn’t have anything to do with Sonny, or when Sonny tried to murder Jax disgusts me. I’m tired of her ranting and raving when something tragic happens b/c she only gets it for five seconds and then she’s back to her same old schtick. I just don’t buy it. I’ve seen this one too many times from her. This is why I hated her for getting in Elizabeth’s face for the decisions she and Jason made regarding Jake or judging Brenda for taking her kid and leaving b/c Sonny trying to murder Jax was the last straw. She agrees with them when something bad happens to someone SHE loves, but goes right back to judging when everything is great in her world. Do they want to tell me again how Avery is safer with them?

    Morgan dying would have been a shocker and massive consequence for his parents to face. I didn’t think the show would ever truly go there, but I really wanted them to take that route. The fallout would have been amazing.

    • Hate to break it to you but we need newbies on this show as much as the legacy characters. You really think this show was going to stay all about Sonny and Jason? Do you think it was always all about them? No, it wasn’t and it was better off for it. There was a time when even Sonny, Jason, and Carly were newbies. This show needs changes and fresh blood every now and then. The good thing is we’re not just the useless Italian Godfather trash we were getting for years. The last writer did us one favor (apart from bringing back the Nurses Ball) and that was getting rid of what was left of the Zacchara family. If I never get to see those Soprano rejects again on this show, I’ll be very happy indeed.

      • Nothing has to be broken to me. I’ve watched soaps since I was four. Obviously, every character was new at some point. It’s the way it’s done and the amount of new people when others were pushed to the background that bothered me and I stand by that. Just look at the cast from 2012-present. Now, that’s calmed down a bit (a bit), though my bigger issue has always been the writing.

        At no point did I suggest Sonny, Jason, and Carly should be totally featured on this show. Just b/c I have problems now with the show, doesn’t mean I loved it then, b/c I didn’t. Guza did turn GH into Soprano-lite, so I agree with that. I don’t see how my problem with newbies means I want the three you mentioned all the time. That’s crazy. At present, I can’t stand Sonny and Carly and Jason is almost there for me. I haven’t been able to stand the mob element really since the 90s b/c then it was more elusive. Btw, those three aren’t the only vet characters on the show.

        You can have the new and tie it in properly. For instance, Hayden’s character is a mess. Her father has no connection to the show and yet I feel as if I should think she’s important or that her secret was epic. She’s not and it wasn’t. Kiki is a character that they keep trying to make happen and it’s not working. At least not for me.

  9. The whole Morgan situation makes me so sad because it COULD be a great story and bipolar people could really use some more representation, but not like this. Making the character everyone hates bipolar, and then at least somewhat implying his terribleness is a result of BEING bipolar, is almost worse than no representation, I think.

    And oh good lord YES, I was thinking the same thing about Carly and her “realization”. She has had this epiphany so, so many times and it NEVER sticks. At this point, just let them be together or let her stay away from him for good. I’m tired of her never learning her lesson.

    I’m trying to think of things on the show that I DON’T hate right now. I’m glad Alexis and Julian got married and seem happy, despite the circumstances? It’s nice to see Sam and Jason reconnecting? Kristina figuring out her sexuality seems like a promising storyline and hasn’t been messed up so far?

    … So, the Davis ladies, basically.

  10. I think the better question is when was the last good sweeps? S&Bs wedding? The 50th anniversary and the return of the Nurses Ball? Literally I can’t think of anything memorable happening after that? Steve Burton leaving the show? Ava finally killing Konnie?

  11. Sad to say, but this show couldn’t get any worse. I refuse to waste my time even caring who lives or dies. Whenthe midget mobster dies for sure, for ever I might come back. But who knows by then I will not waste time on that, and just keep it off.

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