Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.
Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers.
And yes, even Morgan, after doing his best to commit suicide by stupidity on the docks — and then by actual suicide on the hospital roof — is STILL GODDAMN ALIVE. As are Franco, Nina, Nathan, Hayden, and every other pointless person taking up space on the canvas. I feel I’m being punished somehow.
Not only are they all not dead, but we had to sit through a week of them not dying while listening to the idiotic posturing of Dixon, aka the lamest mob villain since Ian Devlin, plastic surgeon/hitman.
In service of giving Sonny his big “hero” moment, we’re meant to believe that a man who was supposedly a smart, dangerous international criminal: 1) was completely fooled by Paul, aka THE WORST UNDERCOVER AGENT EVER, 2) was nearly taken out by Morgan, of all people and 3) took time out of fleeing for his life to take an entire wedding hostage, just for shits and giggles.
And then, while learning the names and life stories of every single wedding guest with his back turned to half of them most of the time, he proceeded to ignore any offers to assist him with continuing to flee for his life in favor of playing mind games with Sonny.
But it’s cool, you guys! Because Sonny got to heroically stand up and Carly’s come to a startling realization that she will totally forget in a week. So totally worth it, right?
SONNY: Morgan wasn’t supposed to be a part of it.
CARLY: But of course he’s a part of it, Sonny, because he’s our kid! This was always waiting for him, the violence, the guns, the blood on the ground. All of it, Sonny. We made this happen. I just didn’t realize it until now.
Sure, she’s also “realized it” at least seventeen times over the years, including that time Sonny shot her in the head as she was giving birth to Morgan, and that time Sonny’s business got Michael shot in the head, and that time Sonny tried to kill Jax and and she shipped Morgan off to military school to keep him away from the violence. But I’m certain this time, the lesson will really stick!
This effing, effing show.
I don’t know what Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante‘s strengths are, but they really need to figure it out and start playing to it. Because big mob events and hostage situations are definitely not it.
JASON: Look, we were friends before you knew who I was. I’m willing to bet we can be friends again. […] You’ve made amends. Can we just put this behind us? Can we be done?
ELIZABETH: Yes, I want that too, I do. I just want to get back to who I used to be. I want to be someone that you could trust again. And I want to trust myself.
Meanwhile, over at Shriner’s Hospitals for Children(TM), Liz, Jason, and Monica completely buried the hatchet over that pesky near-year long lie about his identity. Since they already botched the opportunity to have a really great, emotional confrontation with Monica after the lie came out, it’s probably for the best that the whole thing just gets buried now. Lord knows I’m ready for Elizabeth to start being Elizabeth again, and if there’s any way for her friendship with Jason to be salvaged from this mess, I am just biased enough to take it.
But I remain annoyed/infuriated that Nikolas isn’t paying nearly the price that Liz had to. I mean, in order for her to earn her soap redemption, she’s lost her relationship, her self-respect, her house, and nearly her child. She’s also prostrated herself in expressions of remorse to everyone in town. Meanwhile Nikolas, who’s never expressed any real regret at all and hasn’t lost anything, is not only invited to Alexis’ wedding but getting Sam to do him favors because he was stupid enough to marry a con woman? Are you freaking kidding me?
HAYDEN: He’s not like that anymore. He’s a wonderful man. He’s a good father to his son.
Speaking of Hayden, I neither like nor particularly care about her as a character. But the fact that we’re meant to believe she has now legitimately fallen in love with a man she knows had her shot in the head and is defending him with delusional bullshit like “but he loves his son!” makes both me and Curtis’s beautiful beard me incredibly sad. Girl, get to an abuse hotline and get some help.
This is what we’re getting from the “feminist” writers? Really?
At least Alexis and Julian’s vows were nice?
I don’t even know, you guys. Was this the worst sweeps ever? There’s been some stiff competition over the years. Cast your vote!